I've given up even kidding myself that I am actively trying to lose weight. I am wishing I was thinner -- a completely different thing. I have a brief bout of "I'll do better tomorrow" every night at bed time but it doesn't even last through breakfast the next day. Feeling bad about failing to be "good" just leads to more comfort eating. Thinking about dieting leads to panicked binging. I know I am in total control of what I put into my body. But it doesn't always feel that way. I want, I buy, I eat, I feel guilty.
Soon I am going away for a few days and will be on holidays, eating at restaurants and snacking at events. A lot of me feels like it's not worth the effort to be "good" for only a couple of days before that then have to start again when I get back. I could lie and say I'll eat healthily while away, but we all know how likely that is when I can't eat healthily at home.
I've been wondering if I've been having some hormonal issues, I have life-long problems I won't go into here that may be getting worse and I will talk to my doctor about very soon, maybe changing some medication. But even saying that feels like a cop-out, blaming my weight on anything other than myself and my own actions.
Why is it a constant battle with myself? Not just weight, lots of things. My behaviour does not advance me towards my goals, but I seem incapable of change.