Friday, January 25, 2013

Secret eating


I don't always say everything about my struggles with my weight on this blog because my husband reads it and I'm ashamed. I generally love that he reads my blog but it does mean that it isn't an anonymous space for me to admit to all my failures. However, I think it is very bad for me to keep things secret so I'm going to talk about my uncontrolled eating.

My worst food triggers are anything chip-like. Fat+salt+crunchy. Twisties or Doritos or even savoury crackers. Even if I don't like the flavour (for instance salt and vinegar) I will eat it anyway. If it is in the house, I can't seem to resist. And I am well aware of this. Yet I still occasionally get deluded into thinking I can handle it.

Four times over the past couple of weeks I've bought a  packet of something to have a snack in the cupboard in case we had visitors or the kids had friends over, but then surreptitiously eaten them all myself over the course of a couple of days. The latest was today. Dad has just been here visiting with his partner and we usually sit up late playing cards; I'd bought a packet of chips and some chocolate and some things for a cheese platter to have for supper. After the kids were in bed I decided we didn't really need that much food, especially as dad had mentioned he was on a bit of a diet (one that still lets him have a bottle of wine a day, obviously). I told Tim that I was feeling a bit out of control with food and could he please hide the chips. He suggested that we wait and see if we ate them that evening, if not he would hide them from me until the next suitable event.

Turns out dad is finally starting to feel his age and he left almost immediately. He says 2012 is the year he went from being middle aged to being old (he is 72). So we didn't need any of the supper. I didn't bring it up again with Tim. I'd made an effort to get them out of my reach, hadn't I? Not my fault if if failed. One effort was all I had in me.

I've had almost exclusively carbohydrates today and I feel like crap. I started with my warm oats, then the kids and I went shopping. I often get us each a treat when we go shopping together, and today I decided that the way to avoid binging on the family-sized chips at home was to have a small packet of exactly the same product. So I wouldn't feel deprived. WRONG! Then lunch was a bread roll with butter and vegemite (ie fat and salt). More carbs. I was feeling pretty groggy by this stage and had a bit of a nap.

By mid-afternoon I was obsessed with the thought of those chips. I love chocolate, but I can have a square or two then stop. A tub of ice cream would take me a year to get through. Peanut butter seems to be an issue for some people, but I don't get that at all. It's just something to have on toast occasionally or make satay sauce with. But chips?

When the kids were out in the backyard I sat on my bed with a book and the chips and shovelled them in. Listening between each mouthful in case the kids came in. Shoving my pillow on top of the packet and quickly wiping my mouth and fingers when they did come in. Not really enjoying, but not stopping. Quite disturbing behaviour.

Later I poured the rest of the chips out of the packet into the bin. Only way to be sure.

I cooked dinner about an hour later than usual because of course I wasn't hungry, and then I still only ate half of mine (and that was a lot more than I wanted).

I guess the only solution to this is to not have it in the house. I already knew that. I think the voice on one shoulder tells me I am strong enough to resist; and the voice on the other shoulder reminds me that if I do fail, well, I get to eat chips. I look forward to the inevitable fail. I can't listen to either of those idiots!

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