Aunt Beverley

Monday:

I slept really well last night; according to my fitbit I barely moved a muscle all night. It was a great catch up. But then I logged on to my email to the news that my aunt died yesterday of inoperable stomach cancer. She was only diagnosed less than two weeks ago. And only about ten weeks since my mum, her older sister, died of cancer. My aunt Beverley was only 66. It's very sad. My cousin Kim and I have been messaging and she said "I'm still in shock. The pain is unbearable." I've discussed here before about whether it's better to have warning of a loved-one's death, and I've decided definitely yes. I had a year to get used to the idea that my mum was going to die soon, it was hard but I was prepared and I'd spent time with her first. My aunt was diagnosed less than two weeks ago. Ten days, I think. That is still a little time, I guess, but not much. I think a sudden death, like a car accident, would be the worst. You would probably feel so many things left unsaid, guilt for not resolving an argument or not being a perfect daughter or whatever, cheated that you didn't get to spend any more time with them. They are just suddenly gone. Even though it means seeing your loved-one in pain, knowing ahead of time still gives you some time for resolution. And my mum had time to settle her affairs and say goodbye and was ready to die. I didn't even have time to visit my aunt in another city, I found out last Wednesday.

I had already decided that after the weekend, what I needed today was a long walk out in the autumn sunshine. And after that news, even more so. It just seemed much more appealing than sweating it out at the gym or jumping around my lounge room. So I went to the lake with the warm sun and fresh breeze and the water views and the trees thinking about turning to autumn colours.

 

I was tired by the end of the 5K and also hungry. I had brought an apple in the car but after I dropped it onto concrete twice and it rolled into a filthy gutter I decided against eating it. I had to wait until I got to the shops and then had a banana. Grocery shopping was weird, they had hardly anything I wanted in the meat section. I plan my meals ahead of time and get a bit frazzled if I have to make last minute changes. So I just bought ingredients for the next two days then I'll shop again. No whole chickens, raw or cooked?! No beef ribs for casserole?! No steak that looked up to my high standards! And then I went to my favourite rotisserie chicken shop to buy lunch and guess what: no chickens ready for takeaway! 25 minute wait! Bugger that. Too hungry to wait. It was a bit annoying, as well as having some for lunch with salad it would have been the basis of the kids' lunches for a couple of days. Is there some kind of protein shortage in Canberra today? I made a less-healthy choice instead.

As well as the cake, we had a few things left over from the party. I put a couple of tempting things away in the cupboard. Why? Because a) at some point in the next few days it was magically going to be ok for me to binge on them? or b) I wanted to binge on them and if they were there I could, and then blame it on my poor judgement in keeping them? Not "current self's" fault for eating them, it was "past self's" fault for keeping them. Guess which is the right answer. But last night after I went to bed I got up and put them in the bin, carefully pouring the contents out so they couldn't be salvaged. So good job there. I definitely would have eaten them today. Now we only have stuff that doesn't tempt me. And they will go to supper tonight with Tim and his D&D friends.

I weighed myself this morning, a small increase after the weekend but nothing too dramatic. But my weight has crept up all fortnight - with three weekend events in a row - and I am above last month's weigh-in for dietbet. Yet I need to lose 3% from that winning point in the next fortnight. I really don't think there is any possible way to make this month's goal without losing a limb. Yet I am not giving up. The point of doing a six month dietbet is so I won't give up just because one month is going badly. I just have to keep trying for that end goal. It's a struggle, but one that has to continue for my health's sake. It will continue to be tricky, I imagine we will be travelling soon for my aunt's funeral, and then the following weekend is Easter and I love chocolate.

Report card:
Diet: Ok. Bad lunch, but good the rest of the day. I'm glad I took action last night to avoid a binge today. Because I really wanted those Malteasers.
Exercise: Good. 11,500 steps.
Water: Good.
Sleep: Good.
Mental health: Sad. I am not looking forward to the funeral, whenever that is. I can feel the roomful of misery already. It is going to be hard to keep it together.