Hungry

Thursday:

Oh, the ups and downs.

I had a much better sleep last night. I was able to keep the CPAP on for longer, didn't need to use the bathroom until 6am, slept much more soundly. So that was great.

Unfortunately the reason I had to take the CPAP off was a bad sore throat (air blowing in makes it worse). Still sore all day today. And I was all crampy and achy from the time of the month. Basically felt ill and yucky despite the good sleep.

Then I was dreading getting on the scale. I have to lose significant weight every single day until Saturday to win this first month of dietbet. Is that so important, I hear you ask? Well, yes. Not the $12.50 that is the stake for this month, but the fact of achieving or failing. I won my first dietbet, then lost my second one when my mum died and I stopped prioritising losing weight which I think was a perfectly reasonable decision. But I no longer have that excuse. This month I slacked off my efforts in the middle weeks and then I'm hampered by water retention in this final week. The hormonal fluctuations will happen every month and I need to take that into account! I can't expect to lose all the weight in a couple of days at the end of each round. I need to be consistent all month.

And this morning my weight was up a bit. Up, not down. Too much salt yesterday? (Vegemite is 120% salt, approximately.) Too many calories? Sudden increase in exercise confusing my body? I don't know. But the goal is further away, almost impossible, and that is really depressing. I don't want to fail. I really don't want to fail two in a row.

I wanted to crawl back in bed and stay there. And order pizza and eat it in bed. But I decided that wouldn't help.

So I went to the gym. The parking meter wouldn't accept my pass, it recognised me and my face came up on the screen (which was a bit off-putting, actually) but I was denied access. I could have taken the easy way out, taken it as a message that I wasn't meant to go to the gym today. But no, I trudged in there and got it sorted. Got a parking slip, put in in the car. Back into the gym. Got onto an elliptical and hiked through Arizona. I committed to 30 mins and ended up doing 36, to finish the section. No sprinting, just slogging on through. I guess I should be proud of at least doing something. I've got to 6000 steps, not stellar.

When I got home I was ravenous. Before even taking a shower, I ate my lunch. A small serve of leftover pork casserole and a big salad of raw undressed vegetables. An apple. I felt I needed some fat so a piece of cheese. And a cup of tea. Finally satisfied. 447 calories which is ok, it was all good healthy food, but a huge volume. I'm not sure where I fitted it all.

My big news of the day is that we paid off our mortgage! Some of the money from my mum's estate came through, enough for us to pay it out. We'd previously made payments with money from both our grandparents, so we were ahead. I still have to fill in some official paperwork, but the money is paid and the house belongs to us. It's kind of amazing to think we have no debt now. None. I've probably been continuously in debt since I bought my first car twenty years ago.

Yet money can't buy everything. It couldn't stop mum dying from breast cancer. It can't make me thin and healthy (I suppose a lot of surgery and personal training would help, but I'd still have to go through the process and a lot of work). It can't make me a critically acclaimed writer (not without a lot more money than I have!).

Still, it is nice to have for the things it can do.

Late afternoon I got hungry again. And ate a nectarine and two cups of vegetable broth. And some sultanas and dried apricots. And cheese. And more cheese. And chocolate.

Is this the time of the month or the exercise or what? I can't seem to control my hunger. I haven't even worked out how many calories that was yet.

I had most of my dinner. Still a bit full from my binge. Which worries me that I will be hungry later. I am trying to fill up on healthy foods, but they are just not doing the job.

Report Card:
Diet: Poor. I assume I'm way over with calories. Have probably killed whatever tiny chance I had of winning this round of dietbet.
Exercise: Good. I'm trying to be proud of myself for an honest attempt.
Water: Ok. Poor. Still a couple of glasses to go.
Sleep: Better. Good.
Mental health: Up and down all day. Mostly down. My throat is still sore and I'm worried I'm getting sick. Sad about failing dietbet. And each round is cumulative so I still have to lose this month's goal as well as next month's!

It has been a difficult day.