Cancer

Tuesday:

So, today started well. After one day of eating clean low carb I dropped a whole kilogram in 24 hours. Only one kg to go for my dietbet! Much less daunting than two kg in a week. I know that the loss was mainly water weight, but that is fine with me. Staying low carb will keep that off while I lose some fat.

I went to the gym and did a good half hour on the elliptical and ten minutes on the bike. I was dripping sweat by the end, my hair was soaked. Good sign. After my shower I dropped in at the library then went to the shops for a bit more Christmas shopping then grocery shopping.

While I was eating some lunch (food court Chinese, the best choice I could find) I saw that I had just missed a call from my brother. I knew he had taken mum to the oncologist today to get the results of the fluid they drained off last week.

It's not good news. I don't know the exact details, I talked to mum and she couldn't remember everything the doctor had said, but the fluid was caused by the cancer not her medication. She has already started building up more fluid in the week since they drained six and a half litres. She will probably have to have it drained regularly. She is tired and weak and hardly eating; they have put her on stronger medication and anti-nausea medication to help her get some food down. If this new medication helps then she gets a bit more time. If not, it could be a matter of months. She may need me to go and look after her soon.

I was having this conversation with mum while trying to find a quiet private spot in a busy shopping centre. It was difficult. I'll probably talk to my brother tomorrow as he sits in on her appointments and might remember more details.

Obviously the rest of the day has been a bit confused and fraught. But I'm proud of myself for not turning to food. I thought about it. My stomach was churned up and I'd just had lunch and I didn't feel like eating but I considered it anyway. Would it make me feel better if I had some comfort food? I decided no. I went and did the grocery shopping, sticking to my list. I did pick up a packet of chocolate biscuits and put it in my trolley. I had a friend coming over with her kids after school (I decided to keep the appointment, I wanted someone to talk to) and we could all share the biscuits and I would only get one or two out of the packet so that would be ok, right? I struggled with it, I already had plenty of food to share at home, and chocolate biscuits definitely weren't on my plan today. After a couple of aisles I shoved them on a random shelf and walked away.

Then my friend brought some biscuits that I love over. I didn't eat any. I concentrated on talking, not eating. I had grapes and a cup of tea, and later when she left I had a piece of cheese and a nectarine. I took my daughter to dance and came home to pulled pork that had been in the oven all afternoon and made salad and ate a moderate amount and didn't have a bread roll, and when I started nibbling at the fatty skin I quickly threw it all out. The kids had had a little piece each and none of us needed any more than that. I kept to my diet plan and my calorie goals even under stress. I'm a bit surprised, but glad.

Cancelled Dungeons and Dragons tonight. It has been a busy day and I've hardly had time to think. Not that I really want to think. But I probably need to.