Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Morbid thoughts

later Wednesday:

In the aftermath of winning dietbet, I have eaten some snacks I was saving specially for today. And didn't count calories. But I also walked for over an hour. And drank lots of water. My attempt to lose weight is not over, but I did have a bit of a break today after the extreme restrictions I had placed on myself.

I had quite a long talk with my mum today. She is ready for this to be all over, giving me contact numbers and wrapping up her finances. She doesn't seem to be in too much pain, but has discomfort, and is just so weak and tired all the time that she sleeps all day. With no hope of getting better, at the best only short term temporary improvement, she doesn't see any point in hanging on.

It made me wonder, as I was on my long walk, which is better: to die suddenly with no fearful anticipation, or to have warning so you can say goodbye and organise things left behind? Which would you prefer? And if you would chose to have warning of your death, how far in advance? A day, a week, a year? I had a dream a while ago that I died suddenly and then hung around as an unseen ghost because I couldn't bear not having said goodbye to my family. After many years I was finally able to get through to my now-grown-up son, and he passed on my message of love and farewell, and then I was able to leave them and move on. I think the dream accurately represents my feeling that I would like to be able to say goodbye. On the other hand I would hate to hang on for years in pain or with my mind going.

Sorry for the morbid thoughts, but this is what is on my mind at the moment. I seem to be surrounded by death. My mum getting closer, but also a popular sportsman died in a freak on-field accident and Australian TV was full of that for a week, then this hostage thing in Sydney where two people died (plus the gunman, may he rot) and now all those children in Pakistan. It is bewildering.


  1. My heart goes out to you with your mother. I hope that you can find some peace somewhere along the way, and that she continues to not be in much pain.

  2. My heart goes out to you too Natalie.
    I'm sorry about your mum. She has been in pain for so long, I think I can understand where she is coming from, after all, she's been ill for such a long while. I think I too would make my peace with myself and resign myself to the end. I think I would like the chance to say goodbye, even if it's in the last 10 seconds. I haven't taken a huge amount of thought into this, but I would think I would hate to die alone. Even if it was an anonymous ambo, or random stranger, I think I would want someone there.
    My thoughts and prayers go out to you.