Cancer

Wednesday:

I woke with headache, fatigue, sneezing and runny nose. I was rather relieved. I would hate to have been feeling so yuck for the last couple of days for no reason!

I actually mean that. I have experienced severe depression a couple of times, in response to specific horrible circumstances. The last few days I have felt like I was slipping into depression for no reason, or not a very good reason. I am sad about my mother's death, emotionally bruised about revising my book, frustrated about my inability to lose weight, stressed about the thought of moving house and state. None of these is the same as depression; which is where you not only feel terrible, you feel like nothing will ever get better. You want to give up on life because your circumstances and your emotional state will never improve and there is nothing you can do about it.

But now I think I just have a cold or flu and that is combining with those other issues to bring me down. Temporary and I can deal with it.

I was thinking last night about the two opposing voices in my head. One says "how dare you even feel sad, let alone depressed, your life is so privileged you should be happy and grateful every day." The other says "you are entitled to have feelings like everyone else." The first voice is much louder than the second! But I think I can take something valuable from both. From the first, yes I need to practice gratitude more. Focus a bit more on the good and positive things in my life, make sure I appreciate them. From the second voice, I need to let myself feel my feelings. Supressing negative feelings is likely one of the causes of my obesity. I feel guilty if I get angry or sad. I need to process my feelings instead of squashing them under food. For the record, I had a pretty traumatic childhood that I don't talk about much here. I have a great life now, but I didn't always. I used to cut myself as a teenager because physical pain distracted me from the emotional pain. Not that that means someone who had a nice childhood isn't allowed to have feelings! I need to work on both sides of this equation. Look for the good, but let myself acknowledge and feel the bad.

It was pouring rain this morning so I drove Tim to work. A lovely thing about being in such a small city is that even in peak hour in bad weather conditions it took less than 30 mins to get there and 10 home again.

The morning disappeared again somehow with not much done. I had a nap after my chicken soup lunch and did a little work on my novel. At the moment I'm just ruthlessly cutting out the worst bits! Then I'll start fixing up what is left. It's not a complete disaster, the criticisms were mainly about the first quarter of the book. I need to work a lot on the first section. I guess that makes sense, it was the first part I wrote, with the least experience.

... I just heard from my cousin Kimberley that her mother, my mother's sister, has been diagnosed with cancer and is already in palliative care too weak for chemotherapy and they don't know how long she has. Only two months since mum died of cancer. It's just horrible. I talked to my aunt when she came to visit my mum in hospital in January and she'd been experiencing a lot of pain in her bones then but they hadn't yet diagnosed cancer. I grew up in the same street as my aunt, just two houses away, I probably played over there every second day when Kimberley wasn't over at my house. My mum was the eldest and sickly and overweight all her life, Kim's mum was always slender and fit and healthy. Made no difference. Cancer has got her anyway.

Rich and famous doesn't make you happy. Thin doesn't make you immortal. A marriage contract doesn't make you safe from heartbreak and loneliness. Today on the news a woman ran over her own toddler, backing out of her driveway. There is nothing you can do to protect yourself. Life is pain, princess.