This morning it was harder than ever to get out of bed in the cold pitch-darkness. I had been awake since about 5 am, waiting for the alarm to go off, with Tim tossing and turning beside me. I treasured every moment I was still snuggled down under the covers, but kept checking the clock to see how long I had left. At 5.45 I dragged myself up.
I have been packing my gym bag the night before so everything is ready, towel and water bottle and change of clothes in the bag, gym clothes sitting on top where I can find them easily even with only a little light coming through the crack of the ajar ensuite door. Pull my hair into a ponytail, brush teeth, grab something to eat in the car on the way, and out the door.
Today it was Body Step. My favorite class, but the most energetic. After the warm-up, I was exhausted. After 15 minutes I was in tears. I was just so tired. Fourth straight day of vigorous exercise was too much for this obese sedentary body. I would not let myself leave the class, but I barely did the routine, moving too slowly, small steps, often marching on the floor rather than using my step. Even so, it was hard. I kept hearing Michelle from Australia's Biggest Loser shouting "no crying in the gym!" but the tears kept coming. I was up the back of the room, and hoped that anyone looking at me thought it was sweat. I hadn't had enough sleep for days, plus I was just physically exhausted. Once I had myself under control, the thought of telling Tim that I needed a day off set me off again. I hated the thought of disappointing him. I made this committment to work hard, and my body was betraying me.
A blogger I follow, BitchCakes, goes to weight watchers and often talkes about 'reframing'. I need to reframe this experience into a positive. I am not a failure. I did the class as well as I could, even though I was so tired. Taking a day to rest my body is not giving up. I am making this a sustainable lifestyle, not a 2 week crash diet. I am not lazy. I have been working very hard at my diet and exercise, and also at my day job which has been very hectic. I have had a huge job that was actually due yesterday - I told them I needed another 24 hours and finally got it in at 8 pm today. So I have had that to deal with as well. And I did it. Tim has been working very long hours too, up to 11 pm one night, it is 8.30 pm now and he isn't home yet, so I have been getting both kids to bed by myself most nights as well. Tomorrow I can rest my body and my brain. All I have on is the grocery shopping, and looking after myself with rest and healthy food. I could even have a nap if I wanted. Oh bliss!
Food today has been similar to previous days. I am still eating real food, but too much of it and sometimes when I am not really hungry. I am within my calories, but only because of the exercise (I counted this morning as part Step and part walking, I also walked the kids to school and playschool - I don't count the slow walk with a 3 year old but I do count the 15 minutes of brisk walking home).
I can hardly express how relieved I am at the thought that I don't have to get up until 7.30 tomorrow. That is more in my mind than the not doing exercise. I am still struggling against feelings of failure and giving up. I will listen to my body tomorrow, maybe do a gentle walk, but nothing strenuous. Right now I am going to catch up on my emails and the blogs I read, watch the 'House' episode I taped on Sunday, and when Tim gets home I will have a hot bath and sink into bed. See you tomorrow. After the sun is well up.