One more sleep

Friday:

One more sleep until my birthday! Since I opted to have a couple of celebrations here in the house instead of going out somewhere (I am also going out to dinner with just Tim and the kids), that means lots of cleaning! And shopping. Busy day. This afternoon we even unpacked the last moving box still sitting in Aiden's room. Do you know I think that is the last one, not counting the stack in the garage that may never be opened again. So there's an achievement.

I've decided to restart healthy eating on Monday. I can't delay forever. But I did use this week to eat up various things I had in the house, and I will be eating freely on the birthday weekend - but not so much I feel sick, it's a balance. I'll be eating normal amounts of real (favourite) food plus dessert and cake. Then Monday it's back to the grindstone.

School holidays is a tricky time to start, sure, but there never is a perfect time. I'll just have to be mostly strict, occasionally moderate - damn there is that word that I'm not good at. I'm more an 'all or nothing' kind of person. But one thing I'm determined on, I won't be bringing more junk into the house. If I do have a treat, it will be when I'm out. No cupboards full of temptations.

Thursday

Thursday:

Thursday already? Where has the week gone.

I'm feeling pretty rubbish with headache, runny nose, sneezing, pelvic pain, sore foot, etc etc blah blah. I'm trying to be more positive but I can't think of anything! I think I'd complain less if I had something else to talk about.

I worked on my book a bit (final read through before I give it to people), folded several baskets of laundry, dragged myself up to the shops to get a couple of things so the kids would have something for lunch tomorrow, didn't take the kids to Acrogym because I was feeling so rotten. That's about it really. I look forward to a soak in the bath and an early night.

Tomorrow is the kids' last day of school before two weeks holidays. Need to plan some stuff to do!

Writing

Tuesday:

I feel so much better today. I woke early with pelvic pain as usual, but even then could tell I'd slept well and shaken off the cold or whatever I had. My head was much clearer and I did some really good editing work on my novel all day - I actually got to the end having made the major changes I needed to make. Now I just need to read through it again and probably make minor changes, before giving it to Tim and Jasmine to read. Jasmine has been so keen to read it for ages. I am itching to print it out but I do need to go through it one more time. No doubt after more people have read it and pointed out the stuff I've missed, I'll need to make more changes! I did some major hatchet work this time so I'm a bit worried it's like Frankenstein's monster now and doesn't fit together properly. I'm too close to see. I need fresh eyes.

I didn't go to my book club meeting. I missed last month by accident, today was a last-minute on purpose decision. I'd only read a quarter of the book because I hated it. It was "The Dressmaker" which was made into a movie recently. I looked up some reviews online to see if anyone agreed with me and at least 3/4 of reviewers did! The writing style is choppy and the narrative jumps from character to character in a very confusing way, I couldn't remember who half the people were because there were so many. I looked up the plot and it seemed ok so maybe they managed to make a good movie out of it. I thought about going to the meeting anyway but decided against it. Cold drizzly day and I was busy writing my own book!

Also the shopping centre is a bit of a danger zone for me at the moment. Best I stay away from aisles of junk food as many days of the week as I can.

For and against

Monday:

Hmm, looks like I didn't blog on the weekend. I guess I was a bit tired. On Saturday Tim took Jasmine back to Canberra so she could have a sleepover with some of her old friends. It's a 3.5 hour drive from here, so there and back takes a big chunk of the weekend. Jasmine had a great time, Tim caught up with some friends but had a horrible night's sleep on a thin mattress on someone's floor.

I was here with just Aiden. I still wasn't feeling so well, so in the afternoon we watched the first SpongeBob movie (and I had a bit of a nap in front of the TV) and in the evening we watched the second SpongeBob movie! I don't think the movies live up to the show, it's better in a short format. I never sleep well when Tim is away so I had a restless night.

On Sunday Tim and Jas got back at lunchtime, just in time for family to come over for our regular meal together. Since Ping is still in the queasy early pregnancy stages I am hosting every week. By the time everyone else left I was pretty wiped out from cleaning and cooking and socialising. I think Tim was even tireder! I eventually had a lovely soak in the bath which brought on a big epiphany about my novel and how to tie some things together. A bath is almost as good as walking to help the ideas come.

Today I went to the doctor to get my foot done again, then shopping, then home for the finale of Game of Thrones. Epic! This was a great season.

My weight this morning was 82.1 kg, up a bit.

I know I need to get on with getting healthy, I've let it slide a bit lately. Or rather, I keep starting but only lasting half a day.

Reasons to start eating healthy right now:
I need to lose weight to help my health issues.
I want to lose weight to look better.
My body needs more real nutrition when my health is compromised, not less.

Reasons to not start eating healthy right now:
I still have yummy frankenfood in the house that I don't want to throw away.
It's my birthday in  less than a week with some celebrations planned so, you know, I might as well wait and start next Monday.
The kids go on holidays for two weeks straight after my birthday and that makes it tricky, maybe I should wait until they go back to school.
I finally see the gyno in four weeks, it's really hard to focus on healthy food when I've got all these issues, I could wait until after that appointment... or until I'm actually better... I may need minor (fibroid removal) or major (hysterectomy) surgery so I'd need to recover from that...

I'm sick of trying and failing yet again. Sometimes I feel very ready to go on a diet make a lifestyle change but right now I'm clinging to my comfort foods. I'm not depressed, but I'm tired and not feeling well. Yet if I wait for the perfect time it will never happen. If I wait until I feel healthy and have no pains anywhere before I start exercising - how likely is that? No obese person would ever start!

At the doctor's today someone was chatting to the receptionist about how it was the coldest day for years, or ever, or something. I had to giggle internally. Yes it's cold, you need a jumper, and it's also raining which is chilly if you get caught in it, but compared to Canberra (or many many other places in the world) this is positively balmy! Not that I would like to stand out in the rain waiting for the bus like Jas had to do after school today. But it's perfect hot bath weather.

Common cold

Friday:

Well I've come down with something (most likely the common cold) which might explain why I've felt extra listless the past couple of days. I'm sure I'll survive it, and on the bright side there are still eight days to my birthday so I should be better by then.

I did as little as possible today - buying essential groceries and cooking dinner. Aside from that I read, had cups of tea, watched TV and played computer games. If it wasn't for an aching face and sore throat, that would be a pretty much perfect day in my book!

I cooked steaks for dinner, chosen for ease of preparation, and only then noticed that the tray of T-bones was labelled "diced pork". I did think it seemed very cheap at the time, so I don't think I will be asking for an anti-refund! I wonder how many steaks were mis-labelled.

As I was writing that a friend from Canberra who had since moved to Darwin (far north of Australia, long way from here) called to ask if I could go to the airport next week to supervise her daughter (who is 12 like Jasmine) changing planes here and having to wait at the airport alone for an hour or so. Bella and Jas used to play together so it would be nice for them to meet up. Unfortunately Jasmine has a party that afternoon and can't go and that is the main reason Janet asked me, I said I still would if she needed me but it would be me and Aiden without Jas. She'll probably get a relative to go. I'd rather not go, it would be a bit of a hassle, but on the other hand it is nice to be useful and feel like you're helping someone and keeping little Bella safe, I'll certainly do it if she wants me to.

Rubbish

Thursday:

Today I wonder why I even bother trying to write. My book is rubbish, my writing is rubbish... even if I ever get it finished, no publisher will ever take it. Arg and bleurg.

KFC

Wednesday:

It turns out people who want to track macros with a Fitbit use the MyFitnessPal app and it syncs. Lots of complaints about it on the Fitbit forums! You'd think it would be a relatively easy thing to add. Anyway. I haven't put mine back on, not sure what I'm going to do there.

I was really struggling again today and the only reason I ate well for most of the day was that I wasn't sure what time the TV man was coming back so I couldn't leave the house to go out and buy junk! (He came around 2:00, TV is fixed now.) But in the evening I couldn't face cooking - especially a healthy portion of healthy food - so I took the kids out to get KFC. I keep imagining it will be somehow better than it is. Greasy and yuck. But I ate a lot of it. And I actually feel better, so go figure. And the kids were happy. Tim will not be pleased with his oily chicken and limp chips when he gets home.

Macros

Tuesday:

I think night sweats are worse in winter. At least in summer you dry out quickly. In winter you either get up and change your pyjamas or you get all cold and clammy. I wasn't keen on having a shower at 2am, but I probably would have been more comfortable for the rest of the night if I had.

The TV man came today. He got it going temporarily but has to bring a new part tomorrow.

I just coded my dinner in the Fitbit tracker and realised that it doesn't show any macros! How many carbs etc. Only calories in (and calories burned). Bummer. Since I don't find it comfortable and I'm not trying to beat my own walking record or anything, I might stop using it again. I prefer the food tracker I was using before, CalorieKing, which breaks everything down into protein, carbs etc. It's a Fitbit Charge HR, so if anyone knows something I've missed about how to see more info, please let me know.

Oh well, second healthy eating day in a row.

B: leftover broccoli cheese, tea.
L: satay chicken and vegetables with quinoa, tea.
S: apple.
D: beef fajitas (one mini tortilla, the rest in lettuce leaves).
S: vegetable soup.

... that Fitbit thing put me in a bit of a snit, I took it off (decided to charge it instead of tossing it in a drawer, but still) and went into a sulk and spent the rest of the evening wrestling with food. In my defence it is that time of the month (and with uterine fibroids, that time of the month is supercharged). So I ate some dark chocolate. Still within my calories, so tried to convince myself that I was still on my diet. Cashews. More chocolate. Cheese and crackers. Fail.

Six years

Monday:

Six years ago today I started this blog with "12 days of hell" as I went to the gym every morning leading up to my 40th birthday. I did stick to healthy living for those 12 days, but obviously it didn't last for the following six years.

This morning I weighed 81.8 kg, down from 82.2 last week. (six years ago I started at 83.1, so not much difference really).

Twelve days to my 46th birthday, twelve days of healthy living (then a couple of days off)! I'll be doing something similar to the eight week BSD that I was on before, but a few more carbs so I don't get miserable. I've been wearing my Fitbit for a few days now but haven't been tracking food - started that today. I've had some problems with the band rubbing my wrist, in the past, so I'm trialling wearing it on my other wrist at night and swapping back in the morning.

I've set it for 5000 steps which is all I can manage at the moment.

I did the shopping this morning, no nasties in my trolley today. I zoomed around because I had to rush home to see Game of Thrones, which airs here simultaneously with the US so that is 11am Monday here. Gruesome episode.

I've finished that book "Big Brother", it is about obesity but also about relationships and self image and lots of other things. Really good. I keep seeing paragraphs I want to quote at you! Like how she feels really virtuous when she is on a diet, how she knows that weight doesn't define self worth but she kind-of believes it does anyway, how she's realised that weight loss isn't magic and even if she can get her brother thin again his life will still suck if he doesn't change other things (instead of sitting at home, unemployed, watching TV).

B: yoghurt and passionfruit, tea.
L: chicken and salad, tea.
S: vegetable soup.
D: chicken and vegetable satay with quinoa.
S: banana.

Movies

Sunday:

Yesterday we had lunch with family before going to see the movie "Warcraft". We took the kids even though it was rated M, even Harry Potter movies are rated M. We all play the computer game that it was based on, World of Warcraft. It was quite a good movie, not stellar. Everyone seems to agree that it would be a bit confusing if you don't play the game. I ate m&ms in the movies but did not partake of the ice cream everyone else had afterwards. Ice cream is ok, not my passion, not something I want to spend calories on in winter.

I went to bed really early, exhausted. Had two sessions of night sweats paired with bad dreams. Got up exhausted this morning. Pelvic pain, sore foot, no sleep, headache, feeling sorry for myself today. Cranky with my fitbit that tells me yay you got 10 hours 20 mins sleep! Really, fitbit? I may have been lying quietly in bed that long, doesn't mean I got a restful night!

On to nicer topics, today was a birthday lunch at a café, the booking was for 1:30pm so by the time everyone gets there (through pouring rain), reconnects with other guests, orders, it was 2:30 by the time we got any food. Very late lunch for me! But it was nice food, and good company. We stood around chatting for a while afterwards.

When we got home we finished off watching the last Hobbit movie. Next weekend we'll start the Lord of the Rings saga.

Big Brother

Friday:

I picked up a book at the library today, "Big Brother" by Lionel Shriver who wrote the brilliant but disturbing book "We Need to Talk About Kevin" (from the point of view of a mother of a teenage boy who kills a lot of students at his school in a mass shooting). I've only started this one, but it is really interesting so far. It's about obesity and relationships. The main character is stuck between a food-Nazi husband and a brother who has recently become frighteningly obese. She doesn't know how to help him, which I think is a problem for the family of many people with self-destructive behaviours. In the first few pages of the book she rambles about our relationship with food and this paragraph really struck me for some reason:

'Food is by nature elusive. More concept than substance, food is the idea of satisfaction, far more powerful than satisfaction itself, which is why diet can exert the sway of religion or political zealotry. Not irresistible tastiness but the very failure of food to reward is what drives us to eat more of it. The most sumptuous experience of ingestion is in-between: remembering the last bite and looking forward to the next one.'

I think about food a lot but confusingly try to distract myself as much as possible while actually eating - I read or watch TV or both. I have tried eating mindfully, enjoying every bite, and hate it. Eating bores me and makes me uncomfortable. I also don't really like it as a social occasion - watching and listening to other people eat? Why would that be pleasurable? My ideal meal is alone, with a book that will stay open more or less by itself so I can use knife and fork. I don't know why this is.

Dead TV

Thursday:

I told you our TV stopped working the other day, while we were watching it. At the time Tim checked all the cables, tried again the next day to turn it on, still didn't work, so we got onto the repair people (still under warranty as it's only six months old). We moved the old TV down from the kitchen to the lounge and have been using that. Well the repair guy was to come this morning to look at it in situ so last night we plugged it back in. And it worked fine! This morning, still worked fine. I cancelled the repair visit. I turned the TV on a couple of times during the day to check, still fine. But tonight I sat down to actually watch something and it lasted about 15 minutes. Then off, on. Off, on. Off..... on. Off. Sigh. Need to get that repair man after all. Of course I'll be calling Friday morning so there is no way it will be fixed until next week. Oh well, first world problem. Still have the old TV.

There was a Tai Chi session on this afternoon but I'm waiting until my foot is more comfortable to stand on so I didn't go. Hopefully next week. It looked like a lovely day outside, through the window.

After school I took the kids to Acrogym, sat and read and had a cup of tea at the café bit which has seats which are merely averagely uncomfortable instead of the horrible seats/stairs in the gym part. It means I don't get to watch the kids do their cartwheels etc which I think disappoints them. I went in for the last 5 minutes but didn't see much. I was trying to read the book for this month's book club, "The Dressmaker" which was recently made into a movie which I have not seen. I am hating the book. Nasty people being nasty to each other in a small country town. And it jumps around to a dozen different characters when I want to read about the main character.

Then we dashed home for an early dinner of pulled pork that had been in a slow oven all afternoon, then out to Jasmine's school for her "musical soirée". The school goes from kindergarten (around 6 yrs old) to year 12 so there was a lot of variety. Jasmine played the clarinet in the high school band, they also had a few squeaky primary school (very small) singers and drum bands and a couple of child prodigies on piano and violin, and a rock band which was amazingly good for three year 8 boys.

Speed cut

Wednesday:

Today I got past a tricky spot in my writing. I'd made so many changes to earlier chapters and characters that one scene no longer made any sense as I'd originally written it, but I wasn't sure how to make it work. It's taken a whole week of thinking and staring at the screen and pondering. But I think I've got it now. All done. Except someone who was supposed to die in that scene now doesn't, and I'm not sure what is going to happen to him!

Not much else today. I took Aiden for a haircut after school, told the hairdresser how I wanted it to look, Jasmine and I settled with our electronic devices in the waiting area, a couple of minutes later it was done. Jasmine says she checked the time and it was literally two minutes. I have never seen such a quick haircut, but it looks good! She used clippers at the back, as usual, (number 4, not very short) but trimmed around the front and top with scissors so it's not like she just had to buzz all over. Maybe just very experienced hairdresser? They are the same place that saved Jasmine's hair when it was a tangled mess, I am very impressed with them so far.

Winter sunshine

Tuesday:

Yesterday my weight was 82.2 kg, still heading upwards (I'm not surprised). But I am feeling very optimistic and cheerful today.

Tim wanted to go into the city yesterday (public holiday) but I wasn't at all confident about so much walking and we stayed home. But today I went to the doctor for some cryo treatment on my foot and I'm hopeful. It feels much better and I went for a walk this afternoon. Lovely winter sunshine. I'm enjoying it while I can.

I lost the dongle for my Fitbit in our move - the thing that makes the wristband sync with my computer - so I ordered a new one last week and it came today. I've had problems with the wristband rubbing in the past but I'm hoping that it being winter will help.

Caught up with the latest Game of Thrones. My goodness that show is violent! I love the story though. Can't wait for the next book to come out.

The Desolation of Smaug

Sunday:

Here's a suggestion, don't weigh yourself the morning after a Chinese banquet dinner! I'm not taking this weight as official, but still, I need to get back to eating healthy. I keep making plans, but then giving in at the first hint of temptation.

This afternoon we watched the second Hobbit movie with the kids. Great movie, very long! One day we'll have to do a weekend of all six movies (including The Lord of the Rings) in extended version, back to back. About 20 hours total run time. I did something like that once back in my uni days, with a couple of seasons of Twin Peaks. That was a freaky show to watch while sleep-deprived!

Niece

Saturday:

We babysat our three-year-old niece for a few hours today so Nick and Ping could enjoy their anniversary with lunch and a movie. We walked up to the park, quite a distance for little legs, and had lunch at McDonald's before walking home again. That took up a lot of the time, and Jasmine entertained her the rest. Emma is a little inclined to wilfulness but it all went smoothly and was fun.

My plantar wart is back. 48 hours back to full size and sore to walk on. Sigh.

In the evening we went out to a surprise birthday dinner for Tim's Aunt Vanessa's 60th. She thought she was just going out to dinner with her husband, walked into the restaurant to find 60 of us waiting! Far too much food, I feel quite bloated. Her son, Tim's cousin Matthew, is a musician and he played guitar and sang throughout the evening which was lovely. I'll have to find you a link to his YouTube channel.

My Christmas present last year from Tim was a big TV. As well as wanting a bigger screen, I particularly wanted one so we could put the old one (only ever had one TV before this) in the kitchen. In our old house I could see the TV from the kitchen while I was cooking, as well as the lounge and eating area. But in this house I can't, the lounge is separate from the kitchen. I like to watch while cooking and washing up etc. Anyway, tonight the new one suddenly died! It's only six months old! At least it's definitely still under warranty.

Does not compute

Friday:

Friday before a long weekend yay! We are celebrating the Queen's Birthday on Monday (not the actual date of her birth, of course). As far as I know, no-one here (in Australia) actually celebrates the occasion but we always love a day off. I was considering having some kind of Queen-inspired afternoon tea but I couldn't think of what that would involve. Cups of tea, obviously, that is English. Cucumber sandwiches? Scones and jam?

I was at a big shopping centre today looking for lunch in the food court. There was one Chinese place that specialised in dumplings. The menu consisted of a big picture behind the counter, meal one with a picture of dumplings, meal two with slightly different looking dumplings, meal three with very similar dumplings... you get the idea. How are you supposed to know what is inside the dumplings with no description! I thought it was quite funny. But I couldn't be bothered asking, and went elsewhere. Or maybe dumpling aficionados can tell by looking - the roundish ones are always pork, the triangular ones vegetarian etc. Maybe I'm just an ignoramus.

So after lunch (beef stir fry with noodles at a different Chinese place) I bought a lovely little raspberry chocolate brownie and ate it as I was walking around. Very yummy and not large but so rich I got down to the last bite and didn't want to finish it so put it back in the bag and brought it home. And I kept thinking about it, even though I was not in the least hungry and in fact felt a bit sickly over-sugared. I told myself I can eat it any time (as long as the kids don't see, as I didn't get them anything and one bite isn't enough to share), I didn't have to have it just because it was there. But it's like my brain  could not compute that. Brownie exists. Must eat brownie. But it will make me feel sick, I don't want it now, I will enjoy it a lot more as a tiny treat this evening. Brownie exists. Must eat brownie. Arg! I made it through the whole afternoon but I was a bit frustrated with my brain.

Great news on the foot-front, the plantar wart came off last night. The spot is a bit tender today so I'm not running quite yet (lol me, running) but I was able to do the abovementioned shopping trip without pain. It is awesome! I'm not totally confident yet, after all it has come off three times before that and instantly grown back. Even if it does, I am going to make the most of these days of comfortable walking. Cool but sunny weekend forecast, perfect to get outdoors.

Thursday

Thursday:

Today was mostly devoted to catching up on some housework stuff. Not very exciting. I'm getting better sleep but I continue to feel hungry a lot of the time, it's probably the change of seasons as it's become a lot colder here. My body wants to lay down another layer of fat for warmth!

I noticed today how oddly I walk now. Months of a sore foot, trying to keep certain parts of my foot off the ground, means I lurch along. Even when it's not hurting or I'm in public trying to look normal, I'm used to my hobbling gait. I swear, when the foot pain is over I'll be running every chance I get!

Therapist

Wednesday:

I saw the therapist person today. She was nice, but I didn't find the session particularly helpful. I have an appointment to see her again in a fortnight, but I'm not sure if I'll go or not. We basically agreed that mood issues I'm having are probably mainly due to lack of sleep and maybe hormones. I'm seeing the gyno soon/eventually about the hormones. She had a couple of suggestions about sleep but I don't know if I will use any of them.

Firstly she has a deep breathing technique to use when going to sleep; in through the nose, hold for as long as possible (she demonstrated about 20 seconds which is a long time), then out through the mouth. So for starters, I can't open my mouth while I have a CPAP on (if I use it, which I told her I was, I didn't go into the fact I'm actually sleeping better without it because I didn't want a lecture but I did say I only wear it for a few hours and why, which is true when I am using it) so I can't do that. She suggested trying in and out through the nose. But isn't holding my breath so long the opposite of what the CPAP is trying to achieve? If I want that effect I can just leave off the CPAP and let my sleep apnoea deprive my brain of oxygen without the effort.

Secondly she suggested getting Melatonin, it can help restore sleep patterns. I've heard of that before, but I looked it up after the session and it seems to be contra-indicated in sleep apnoea because it can relax the muscles too much. Also it can make depression (and diabetes) worse. The site I looked at said over and over to only take with doctor supervision. So I am not trying that without checking with my GP first, I don't know what qualifications the therapist has. She didn't have "Dr" in front of her name.

And thirdly St John's Wort, a herbal medication, is something she's had success with. But she wasn't suggesting that right away, maybe later. And when I looked it up, it can interfere with a lot of medication, including birth control. So, again, not something I would take without checking with my GP.

The other thing she suggested was me getting out and meeting people more. She pushed yoga, which I have no interest in, but I countered with Tai Chi which I've wanted to try for a while. I did try to contact one place at the start of the year but they never got back to me and I didn't follow it up. Oh, and she suggested seeing a podiatrist about my foot since it was preventing me getting out and about or exercising. I'm giving this treatment a couple more days, then I think I will, it was one of the options I've planned to try.

Overall it was quite a pleasant chat but no new information and I think she talked more than I did so it wasn't like the sessions you see on TV where they get you to talk about your childhood. It was all her giving advice.

Hungry

Tuesday:

Another good night of sleep. Sleep is awesome!

I had to get Aiden a new sports uniform and decided my foot would be fine for me to walk up to the school. I was so wrong. Limped home 45 mins later after what should have been a 25 min round trip.

I'm writing this as I wait for my dinner. I had to go pick up Jasmine from a friend's house right in the middle of roasting a chicken, I turned the oven off while out. So now I am very hungry smelling delicious lemony chicken that isn't cooked yet. I am very much looking forward to it.

Tomorrow I see the counsellor therapist person. That will be interesting. They called today to confirm the appointment and ask if I could come at 3pm instead, which I couldn't because I have children coming home from school. 1pm it is.

I feel like I'm progressing well with my book. If you're not up to speed with my writing adventures, I spent a bit over a year writing my first novel (after many false starts throughout my life, it has been my ambition forever). Then I got a group of writers to critique it at the start of last year. That was very confronting, but after I recovered I agreed with most of what they said. Then my mother died. Then my father died. Then we moved house. Basically I didn't touch my novel for a year. But the editing/rewriting process is going smoothly now. I'm sure there will be another round of improvements after this, but I'm getting there. I want it to be the best (first) book I can write before I offer it for publication. It's fantasy fiction, with dragons and magic and shipwreck and minotaurs. This is a long process, but that is pretty normal especially for a first book.

Wild weather

Monday:

There was 3 cm of water inside our older car that was parked in the street during the downpour all weekend. Tim's father's house leaked and they had a little river running across the floor. Houses were evacuated in my brother's suburb (but he is up a hill). Crazy wild weather! At least we know this house is rainproof! Gloomy and cold but not raining this morning so the kids went to school as usual, I had been considering keeping them at home if it was bad. Jasmine's high school is a series of separate buildings that she would have to run between from class to class.

I weighed 81.4 kg this morning, much the same (slightly down) as last week.

Since my sleep has been much worse since starting to use my CPAP again, I didn't use it last night. In the past, it's taken me a few nights to get used to the CPAP but then it's got better. Not this time. Every night I would lie awake for a couple of hours, sleep an hour or two at most, then wake and claw it off. Noisy, sweaty, uncomfortable. And I was feeling so tired every day. The point of it is to help me sleep better! Without it last night, I still lay awake for a while. As soon as my head hit the pillow it was full of regrets about the past, worries from the present, and fears for the future. I tossed and turned. But at last I got to sleep and had a much better night. I felt quite good today. My doctor won't be happy with me but I don't see how less sleep is the better option.

Weekend

Sunday:

It has been absolutely bucketing down all weekend, really heavy rain and windy too. So it's definitely been an indoor couple of days. It's so dark it feels like evening even in the middle of the day. This is not a well- lit house at all, we have plans to change the lights and also add a window looking out into the backyard. What seemed quite cosy and welcoming in summer might be rather gloomy in winter. We want to get solar panels fitted on the roof and I have no idea if I need to do that before or after changing all the light fittings. Something to investigate, when I have the energy.

Yesterday and today a lot of time was spent (by Tim and the kids) working on Jasmine's science experiment. She set up a long (can't think of the word) thing in her room where she put a book in a basket which made the basket sink and the other end string pulled something up that knocked over a chain of books that made a pair of scissors cut a string that made a marble roll into a chain of dominos which knocked a spoonful of ice cream into a glass of fizzy drink, creating what we call a "spider" in Australia. They filmed take after take while things didn't go quite perfectly, but eventually it worked.

Yesterday evening we watched the first "The Hobbit" movie which we decided the kids were old enough to see. Five more to go in the franchise! They both loved it.

I continue to get terrible sleep for all the reasons previously stated. I am getting to the end of my ability to cope with this, which means tears and snapping at people. Not sure what I can do about it. I am turning to food for energy and I don't see that changing any time soon and I'm not apologising for it. Whatever gets me through the day, at the moment. If I can at least get this pelvic pain sorted, that will help with the second half of every night. But that appointment is still weeks away. I am reconsidering that decision to stick with the closer gyno, I might at least ring around on Monday to see when I could get appointments elsewhere.

Gargling paint

Friday:

Another bad night (indigestion, night sweats, Tim snoring like he was gargling paint, and pelvic pain) but I had a nap in the afternoon and that got me through the day. I didn't get much done though, except the grocery shopping.

Hmm, nothing else to say today. Have a lovely weekend!

Pointless

Thursday:

Eating clean in June lasted a whole day.

I had a particularly bad night; starting with lying awake for two hours trying to get to sleep, then three trips to the bathroom (unusual) and one calf cramp (also unusual), and culminating in waking early with pelvic pain. So I was tired and unmotivated all day. I did use my CPAP for about four hours again, but as at least two of those were lying awake I don't know how much good it did.

I saw my doctor today to see if she could refer me to a different gynaecologist so I didn't have to wait another two months for an appointment. The original one was about 20 minutes away, female, and my doctor particularly recommended her. Turns out the only other ones she knows of are more like 30-40 minutes away, and male. If it was a one-off visit I'd go to whoever could see me first but this might be an ongoing relationship so I decided to stick with the recommended (female, closer) one. So I just have to wait.

I also asked her about this plantar on my foot which often makes it quite painful to walk. We discussed last time her freezing it off if the other home treatment (my third) didn't work. After a week that has made no difference whatsoever, I decided to go for the painful freeze. But she had run out of freezing liquid! So I have to wait another week. The whole visit to the doctor was completely pointless.

Tim is getting a week off work soon and a hotel we like to stay at on the beach in Queensland is currently having a sale. But I can't see the point (for me) of going. I can't go for walks along the beach and even walking a few blocks to restaurants would hurt, I certainly can't envisage walking around a theme park all day, I'll be tired but can't sleep which isn't very relaxing, and these horrible unrelenting heavy extended periods mean I wouldn't be able to get in a pool. And I'm always on a diet (or should be) so wouldn't even be able to indulge in food (or not without guilt). I could sit in the hotel room and watch TV.

Well as you can see I'm a bit disappointed in the day. I'm ready to write this one off and crawl into bed.

Winter

Wednesday:

First day of winter!

I had a better sleep last night (I think). I kept the CPAP on for 4.5 hours, only slightly more than the night before, but I did feel I slept more of the night. The CPAP still made my nose sweaty and itchy but not sore like the first night. Got to lose this weight so I don't have to use it any more!

I ate well today, except I got a bit impatient for dinner and ate a big hunk of cheese. But no junk food. My plan is to eat clean all through June. One month at a time.