Friday, May 29, 2015

Being more mindful


I woke in the early hours of this morning and tossed and turned, suddenly very frustrated with myself that I've been eating my emotions, not exercising at all, not even doing my physio all week. I said a couple of days ago that I didn't care about all that right now, and I didn't, but now I do! Time to forgive myself and move on. Right now I'm feeling a bit bewildered about having thought it was ok to neglect my health - how is that going to help anything? But I know it was quite a normal response to grief and stress especially for someone like myself who has a troubled relationship with food.

One thing that has helped me take a step forward is knowing when the funeral is, it means I can make plans and feel more in control. Also I finally got through to my brother and so I know he knows about dad's death and he knows when the funeral is too. Whether he gets there is up to him. That is two burdens lifted and I feel like I can breathe again.

Of course I am still sad and stressed but I feel like I can cope now.

I had a physio appointment this morning, she was very nice about my not doing my homework all week and gave me a gentle relaxing massage. My shoulder has actually been pretty good all week because I haven't been using it much. My physio was concerned that the exercises were making it ache a bit (when I was doing them) so I'm going back to the first set of exercises she gave me and we'll see how that goes. I know the long drives to Shepparton and back, and sleeping in a hotel bed, are going to be painful. I have a massage appointment lined up for as soon as I get back.

Very busy productive day. Whatever happened to all my free time? It's been swallowed up by getting this house fixed up and preparing for my dad's funeral.

I've still struggled with food today but I've been more mindful and aware of what I'm doing. It's a start.


  1. You are so right Natalie, neglecting yourself is not helping in any way. It even do the opposite as you get more frustrate. You sure have so much stress right now, take time to grief and take time to breath in and breath out too.

    1. I am trying to do better, but at the same time be gentle with myself and forgive myself for lapses.

  2. Have you been strategically not mentioning your CPAP lately?

    About your health, I'm a little shocked at your sudden change of heart. I mean under the circumstances I think it's sort of fine to take the easy route a bit, maybe indulge a bit more. It's not like you had to decided to throw in the towel forever. But good for you on such a fast come back.

    By the way, how did your brother take the news about your father? You mention him so briefly I can't get a good feel of how he has taken to all of this.

    1. No, I'm still using my CPAP every night, mostly right through until morning. I only didn't use it while I was away, not sure how I'll go when we head back for the funeral. I really should use it even then. I'm just not sleeping well even with it.

      I guess I'm starting to feel the difference between how I feel when I'm eating reasonably healthy and exercising a bit, and not. I do not feel good when I'm being unhealthy, so why would I want to feel like that? Indulging is no fun if I feel worse two minutes later.

      I'm really not sure about my brother. He might have still been in shock a bit. But he lived with mum all his life whereas my parents divorced when we were little so we didn't spent as much time with dad, so it's not quite the same. I think he is doing ok. I was much more affected by mum's death too, except that dad's death is piled on top of that and my aunt's death all in a row.