Waste

Wednesday:

Aiden was back to school today. I didn't have anything particular planned for the day and decided to stay home and not do much, and hope my brother would contact me. He often checks his email on Wednesdays. My uncle said he would go over today, but he is pretty annoyed about it. Darren has made himself almost completely uncontactable, and at such a time! And there was no guarantee that he would be home when my uncle went over there, or out of bed if he was home. He knew dad was very sick but hasn't contacted anyone for a week.

I didn't mention before, but of course we cancelled people coming over on Sunday night for Eurovision because I'd just found out my father died about an hour before they were due to arrive. I had mostly bought "real" food for snacks - a cheese platter with nuts and dried fruit, dips with vegetable crudités, chicken wings that I was going to prepare - but I did buy some chips and chocolate biscuits. The kids and I ate some of these that evening and I have broken down and eaten more chips since then. It's very bad for me to have this stuff in the house! I'm feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment with everything that is going on plus it is that time of the month, so I have strong feelings of being entitled to drown my emotions with food. 

I just have no interest in stuff like weight loss at the moment. I'm not doing my shoulder physio either. I know this is less than ideal, but I think I need to accept that a week or two isn't going to make a big difference in the long run and not feel guilty about it.

Staying at home all day was probably a mistake. I couldn't do much planning because of not knowing when we have to head back to Shepparton for the funeral. I got a few things done but mostly sat around and felt sad and ate. Now I feel like I really wasted today. I didn't do anything I enjoyed, I just felt stressed and anxious. Sitting at home didn't help. I should have gone out and done something.

By mid-afternoon I was starting to really wonder about my brother. With dad sick, and knowing he was hard to get in touch with, why hadn't he contacted anyone? I was starting to think something might have happened to him. But he finally emailed and then called late in the afternoon. Uncle Greg had gone around in the morning and broke the news, which he didn't know. At least that is done now. But he'll have to keep in contact if he wants the details of the funeral when we get them.