Lurching onwards

Tuesday:

I'm feeling a bit frustrated that I have this constant mental back-and-forth about running. I've been sticking to it because I would love to be able to run, and I enjoy listening to the app, and feel quite a lot of pressure (from myself) about not quitting everything all the time.

But I hate doing it. It is boring. And my legs hurt so much, all down my shins. Yesterday I was finding walking down stairs quite painful. I did another training run today and it hurt my shins all over again. I was limping a bit after I got home today. Am I damaging my body? Am I stupid to keep doing it when there are fun things like dancing that are just as much exercise without the bad bits?

I want to overcome obstacles, to succeed in difficult circumstances. I want to be able to look back and know that it was hard but I did it anyway. Maybe it's an opportunity for personal growth or something.

I was watching Biggest Loser Australia last night. Five contestants were sent home for a few days (which they were mostly very happy about) but almost immediately they were told they had to do a challenge, riding a spin bike for five hours. They could get other people to help them. The one covering the most distance would win something (unspecified). Four of the five seemed resigned, even quite excited about it. They asked workmates or family to take turns with them, one went to her old primary school, which her mother now taught at, and got a whole classful of kids to ride for a few minutes each.

The fifth person, a girl in her early 20s who already had a reputation as a slacker in the House, reacted quite differently. She whined and complained and had a tantrum. Five hours on a spin bike was a waste of her time, she'd wanted to spend time with her family (the others did spend time with their families, at the bike!), she had plans, she'd been misled about being able to come home, she was so angry and unhappy. So ... she hadn't been planning to spend any of her time exercising in the days at home, then? She said she would do it all by herself because she wouldn't waste anyone else's time on such a stupid challenge. Her mother kept her company, and also tried to recruit some passers-by (with very limited success) to ride a little for her.

We don't have the results of the challenge yet, but that is less important to me than the impact this person's attitude had on me. She was clearly so unpleasant to be around. She never stopped complaining. She only saw the negative. She made herself and those around her unhappy, when others used exactly the same circumstances to get pumped up and get friends and family to rally around.

Maybe, with her attitude, she knew she wouldn't have any family or friends willing to help. Sad thought.

I really don't want to be like that.

I vent a lot here and write about my frustrations but I really am trying to complain less. I want to be a positive happy person who is fun to be around. Still a lot of work to do.

So partly because of that episode, I got myself out for my zombie run today even though Sunday's session was boring and difficult. It was the same run format, but at least with a zombie this time so it was less boring. I also purchased Queen's Greatest Hits from iTunes so I have 51 well-loved songs to listen to that don't make the app glitch. It went smoothly today. Me, not so much.

I walked to the oval with the kids after arranging to meet some of their friends there (unfortunately they never showed up, but the kids were ok playing) and didn't start the app till we got settled. Warm-up then free form run which for me was short running intervals, then five 60 second running intervals. I ran the first one, made it to 45 seconds on the second, felt sick after the third, better on the fourth, 45 seconds again on the fifth because my shins were hurting so much. Then I limped around and around the oval for the two 8-minute free-form runs plus 2 mins official walking. Didn't manage any more running. By the time we got home I'd done about 1 hour 20 mins. Continuing doubts about the wisdom of all of this.

I did try to focus on some of the good parts of the outing. The intense blue of the sky, and the freshly-mown green of the grass. The music. My kids having a good time. The young couple with the big kite, it looked like it took a lot of strength to control and he had to keep helping her when it was her turn. Cute. Lots of people throwing balls for their dogs. The chained zombie trying to get loose. Plenty to enjoy.