Sunday, January 4, 2015

Home again


I had originally planned to stay in Sydney several more days to spend more time with mum, but I just could not spend any more time in that horrible house. In future visits I will have to make other arrangements - stay with family living further away, or at a hotel.

I spent Sunday with mum at the hospital. It was like at Christmas, when she was reasonably alert on the first day but barely knew I was there by the fourth. On Sunday she slept nearly all day, only speaking to me a couple of times in the afternoon. She looked much older and sicker. I guess she has good days and bad days, or maybe she makes a big effort to stay awake when she hasn't seen me for a few days, but can't keep it up.

After that fall a few days ago they kept the safety rails up on her bed. But on Saturday night she rolled over and somehow got herself wedged between the bed and the rails. Her leg was quite badly bruised. So now they have her bed lowered right down to the floor, no safety rails, and a mattress each side of the bed in case she rolls off. They have also changed from giving her medication every few hours to a constant drip. Morphine, I don't know what else. The changes are not encouraging.

When I came back from having lunch (stinking hot humid day, I tried to sit in the shade in a park but fled back to air con pretty quickly) she woke up and asked me if I was leaving, which I found a bit confusing. But I think the morphine messes with her sense of time. My Aunty Bev, mum's sister, came in the afternoon. She finds it really hard to see her big sister like that. We had a good chat though. One funny thing, as the self will intrude, was that I was sitting in the huge chair they have for patients if they are well enough to sit up. It was a very deep chair so my short legs were sticking straight out. I felt like a plump six year old. I kind of always feel that way with my aunt anyway.

There are pictures for sale on display in the halls of the hospital, and some of them are quite lovely. I've been thinking of buying one of the several that we all liked, they are only about $200-$250 each.
Sorry if showing you breaches any copyright laws:

I guess if I did buy it, every time I looked at it I would think of mum. Don't know if that is good or bad. Nice, but sad.

Since I couldn't face another night at the house of horrors, when I left the hospital I drove to my brother-in-law's house an hour away, where Tim and the kids were staying. They'd decided to have a family BBQ so the house was full of people, or it seemed like it anyway. Loud and friendly. It was a nice, distracting change; but also quite overwhelming to someone in my emotional state. I joined a board game and had dinner but then retreated to have a quiet lie down, and never really got up again. I was completely exhausted after two nights with very little sleep plus all the emotional stress. I dragged myself up to say goodnight and have a very quick shower, then was in bed at 8:30, before my children!

This morning we drove home. So nice to be home. But also guilty that I am not with my mum. I am trying not to stress about that too much. I'll visit her when I can but worrying doesn't help anyone.

I had thought about putting off dieting until things settled down a bit. But when will that be? There is never a perfect time. So I am starting a new dietbet tomorrow. Maybe that will help keep me anchored. And I'm going to work on the relaxation too - I've downloaded a meditation app that I read about. I'll give it a go.

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