Keeping busy

Thursday:

It seems I cope with grief and loss by keeping myself very busy so I don't have to think too much. Almost as soon as I heard I went and started researching funeral homes and memorial options. Since then I've made what feels like a million phone calls to family and mum's friends, making sure everyone knows about her death and the funeral arrangements. and responding to sympathy calls and texts. I've had a preliminary phone interview with the funeral home and I'm going to Sydney to sit down with them (and my brother) on Saturday. Apparently it's a two hour meeting. Then chat to the celebrant after that, and the people making the "order of service" booklets. Who knew it was so complex?

I've been through just about every photo I own, both digital and printed, to find only a handful of photos of my mother for the service. I guess, like me, she didn't like having her photo taken. Nearly all the ones I have are with her holding one of my babies. I need to choose music for the service, and write a eulogy. And find clothes for them to dress her in (even though it will be a closed casket). And take charge of all her financial paperwork. And get the Will to the executor. And ask my uncle to host the gathering after the funeral.

There are people who would help me with this stuff (Jasmine helped me go through all the photos) but I am appreciating being busy at the moment.

Months ago we booked a holiday on the beach, fully pre-paid and non refundable. It is coming up fast, so I am also planning that. It feels very odd to go for a holiday at this time, but I am not going to deprive the kids of their fun. And I suppose I can sit around and feel sad just as well there as here. It will be nice to get away, gaze at the endless ocean. I'll have the time for quiet reflection that I'm not giving myself now.

I guess I started dietbet at a bad time. I certainly haven't been restraining my eating the last couple of days - but actually that has more to do with it being that time of the month when I crave fat and salt. Mum's death just means I let myself off the hook. And then this holiday coming up. I have thought about dropping out of this dietbet (you can, in the first 7 days, and get your money back). I'll give myself another couple of days to decide, but when I was looking through all those photos I saw how good I looked ten years ago (when I thought I was fat! Ha!) compared to how I look now and it made me not want to put that quest aside.

The other thing that is going on is that I am judging collections of short stories for an award and I was a bit lazy and then mum got sick, and now I have about four weeks to read 20 more books. Not huge "Lord of the Rings" type books, more like 200 pages each. I have let the award conveners know my problems but I am still committed to getting it done. So when I'm not on the phone about mum, I'm reading reading reading! I don't need to spend any time being sad when I am so busy.