Friday, April 24, 2015

Bumpy day


There is a fun run coming up on Mother's Day that is raising funds for breast cancer research, so there are ads on TV and conversations on my Facebook feed about it. Every time I see the pink ribbon or a pink Tshirt I am reminded that my mother just died of breast cancer three months ago. I am definitely not ready to be involved in something like this, and I also really wish I didn't have to see it and be reminded all day long. I think about my mum often anyway, usually something like "I need to tell mum that, oh I can't" and feel sad but not too horrible. For some reason all this media about breast cancer hits me much worse. Maybe because they are talking about trying to save people but they couldn't save my mum. Even if they find a cure it will be for other people, too late for mum. It's like a punch in the stomach every single time.

Of course I want them to find a cure for other people, and who knows maybe me and my daughter one day, but I just can't deal with it right now.

I also have stuff about mum's estate still going on - nothing bad, it just takes so long! Seeing my brother tomorrow about it and had an email from the probate lawyer today. It's all normal but it means I can't put that financial side behind me, it's not over yet, it feels like it will never be over. Filling in endless forms and getting photocopies certified and discussions with the executor and this is all for a fairly straightforward uncontested Will. I just want to put it behind me. To be able to think about my mother without the taint of money hassles or the slap of remembering how she died.

I had one of my more restless nights so I am feeling tired today. It is very grey and cold. We spent the morning shopping - shoes for Aiden and myself (walking shoes for me), winter clothes for Jasmine - then grocery shopping. The kids got hungry and I am trying to cut down on holiday junk food, especially with the less-controlled weekend coming up, so we went to the fruit shop and bought some grapes for them. I didn't have any, no fruit on a low carb day allowed after breakfast. I knew I would be ok until lunch time, a stir-fry I made at home.

Eating normal amounts of healthy food can feel strange sometimes. I will finish a meal feeling no longer hungry, but not exactly full either. It is vaguely unsatisfying, I suppose because it is not what I am used to! Last night I had a big serve of really delicious casserole and I must admit I do like that full feeling. I knew about three quarters of the way through my plate that it was time to stop, but I didn't. So warm and cosy and filling. I think winter is going to be tough, but as long as I make sure I am eating lots of vegetables I should be ok. I am definitely more hungry today, not sure if it's the cold or if it's because I'm on second low carb day in a row.

Bit of confusion tonight. Jasmine had been invited to a sleepover which she thought was in two weeks, because that is when her friend's birthday is. But I got a text from the mother after dinner asking if Jas was coming... tonight! That is what happens when you let eleven-year-olds email back and forth to arrange something! So Jas had already had dinner and also we'll have to pick her up early tomorrow, but the girls still wanted to do it so Tim is driving her over now. It's not that close either, 20 minutes, because the friend has recently moved away from our suburb, so she'll be getting there close to her usual bedtime and leaving at breakfast! I suppose they'll still have all night to giggle in.

For various reasons I am really struggling with cravings tonight. Being strong so far, but not as confident as I have been this week about staying clean. Chocolate is calling me. I have made the firm decision "no" but the desire keeps coming back. I just have to hold out until tomorrow. Maybe I could stay up until midnight then it will be my treat day.

Report card:
Diet: Good. Maybe great. It's hard to believe it was great, today, the way I feel right now.
Exercise: Poor.
Water: Good.
Sleep: Good compliance, poor sleep.
Mental health: Poor.

Edit: about three seconds after posting this I went and stuffed myself with chocolate. And instantly felt a bit better emotionally, as well as physically feeling a bit sick. Well, it happens. This is not a diet fail. I am putting that behind me and moving on.


  1. My mother in law past away over 25 years ago and I still talk to her. I was close to her, we shared a lot of humor... I am not sure if there is after life, I have some faith but it's not the going to church type of faith. But talking to her really is keeping her close to my heart.

    Yes the cure to cancer is not only for others, as you say, it could be for you, your daughter, or a lot of people that are not "others". I know you are hurt but maybe the research gave enough time for your mom to do something, I remembered you said that she completed a degree, that is something really special.

    Don't give in on craving Natalie, when you have them have a fruit, water something else than what you are craving for. You have to teach your brain about who is in control. I really thing that it's a cleansing type of attitude that is the solution to craving. You might not buy into this but I have been where you are, I was always hungry. Not any more, it seems like I'm doing a lot of cutting off but it's not the case, I didn't cut off things, I stopped them because I didn't want to jeopardize the efforts that I'm doing. In other words, I need to get healthier more than I want to get some short time satisfaction by eating the wrong food.

  2. Sorry to read about your 'bumpy day' but understandable.

    Tomorrow I'm sure you will feel stronger and more positive about keeping on that healthy track.

    Take Care

    All the best Jan

  3. Oh I'm so sorry, and I can only imagine how hard it must be for you. I understand as much as I can

    Ugh if you give in (I see you did)to your cravings I get to give in to mine too right? Because you know I've been craving red meat! Particularly beef! I was joking earlier that I just want a big fat juicy hamburger, with real bacon, cheese, onions, lettuce, pickles, tomatoes and mayo with a side of chili cheese fries! Of course I'm not going to have that. This beef craving I've been having seems almost animalistic!