So, after my depressing weigh-in this morning I sat around for quite a while feeling sorry for myself. Even after I got off my butt, I still felt pretty miserable all morning. It's not just that I'm still fat, it's that feeling of failure. How can you fail over and over again for years without feeling like a failure? I read all these other blogs where people are losing weight so I know it's not impossible, so why can't I? What is wrong with me?
There is a motivational poster going around that is something like "Losing weight is hard. Being fat is hard. Choose your hard." Today I felt like I could reword it "Be miserable because you can't eat whatever you want. Or be miserable because you are fat. Choose one. Or why not both? Feel like you are denying yourself AND be sad about being fat as well!" Pity party much? Well, days like this have happened before and no doubt they will come again. I eventually just got on with it.
I did do some actual thinking as well as just wallowing in misery. Still not giving up. Still not ready to just settle for this size. And anyway, it's better than gaining weight which is probably what would happen.
I've chosen to go the lowish-carb route. It's hard to stick to (as is any restriction whatsoever), but on the other hand at least I know I lose weight. Mainly I cut out anything processed, because all that stuff is just highly refined carbohydrates. Concentrate on stuff that I could produce myself if I had a big enough farm. "Things that your grandmother would recognise" doesn't exactly apply because both my grandmothers were of the plain meat and three veg school and they probably never saw Chinese, Thai, or Mexican food in their lives. They wouldn't have heard of most of the spices I use. But it is basically the right sentiment. Nothing that has been "invented" in the past 50 years or so. And limited "natural" carby stuff as well. But not too low, because that seriously messes with my mood. Today so far I have had all real foods, 959 calories and 40.3 grams of carbohydrate. I expect to go a bit higher in both most days, that just happens to be all I needed to fill me up today. I wasn't at all hungry between meals. If I get hungry this evening I will have some raspberries and yoghurt (which I make myself so I know it has nothing bad in it, just milk and cultures).
There was one large chocolate biscuit left and I was a bit scared of it so I gave it to Jasmine for dessert. Aiden doesn't like chocolate, he had a cupcake that daddy made on the weekend. I still have to resist the remaining cupcakes - I haven't had any - but I feel much safer without the yummy wafer biscuit calling me.
After a late breakfast the kids volunteered to do some extra housework for half an hour extra computer time so I allowed that and we all did a bit of work, then we went for a half hour walk outside, then had a healthy lunch of various leftovers - I had some homemade tomato soup, a slice of roast beef, and some salad - then I did a bit of deskwork (trying for an hour a day during school holidays), then we watched the Foxtel movie du jour "The Lego Movie" which the kids had seen before with daddy but I hadn't. It was ok. As soon as it was over the kids ran off to play with Aiden's huge collection of Lego.
Managed to keep the TV off most of the day which was great, but actually I'm a bit disenchanted with Foxtel already after 48 hours. There isn't that much on it I want to watch that isn't on my 20 or so free TV channels, apart from quite a lot of kids' movies. I'll see how I feel after Game of Thrones finishes. There are a couple of series that I would try but they only seem to have the most recent episodes available so I can't go right back to the start, unless they have a special "box set" like they do with Game of Thrones.
Exercise: Good. My foot started hurting again after the walk so I'm being careful.
Mental health: Very bad for most of the day, ok now.