Last night as I was going to bed (all replete and contented from my fast food) I looked at my CPAP with some distaste. Another night coming up the same as the previous nine or so; a couple of hours sleep, waking to find the CPAP annoying me but staying true to my goal of minimum four hours every night, getting back to sleep for another couple of hours, the relief at yanking the mask off, the sore nose, trying to get back to sleep again, last few restless hours with sleep apnoea disturbing me. I've been proud of myself sticking to my vow but I was not exactly having a fun time.
Then I wondered if I was partly causing some of the problems with my resigned but resentful mindset. I was expecting all the wakefulness - was I causing it? So I turned my mind around. I decided to sleep restfully and well, with my CPAP on, all the way to 7am. No restlessness or irritation at all, just good sleep all the way. Somehow I found it really easy to just decide this would happen.
And it did. I woke once to go to the bathroom, then slept through to just after 7am. With my CPAP on all night.
The weirdest thing was when I looked at my fitbit sleep stats. I slept solidly and without restlessness except for two points. First when I woke and went to the bathroom, about the time I always do after two or three hours, but second when I usually wake and take off the CPAP nose pillows. I still woke, apparently. But I don't remember waking. I just went back to sleep quick enough that I don't even recall it. And those last few hours were as good as the earlier ones, because I still had my CPAP on. Amazing what a change of mindset can do.
Yesterday I finished my "quality" Easter chocolate, the Lindt egg and bunny my husband gave me. Five days to eat 220 grams, with a couple of extra little eggs so call it 50 grams a day. That is about five times the chocolate I usually eat a day! Hard to keep the calories down with an extra 250 or so calories each day. I still have some little eggs left from the Easter bunny but the quality is only Cadbury good, not Lindt great, and not nearly so tempting. I put them away in the cupboard, out of sight (they were on my desk!) and I think I'll be eating a lot less chocolate for a while.
I only realised today that I won't be able to go to the gym for the next two weeks except on weekends. It's the last day of school term today so I'll have my kids home. They are too young to come to the gym and the crèche isn't open in the holidays (how stupid is that!). My husband gets home too late from work, always after dinner, for me to go then - last night he got home at 11pm, tonight about 8:10. So there would only be weekends. I'll try to put my membership on hold, I think I can do that for one week without a medical certificate. I'll just have to use my Xbox games a lot at home and take the kids for walks. I could get up early, before Tim goes to work. I'm considering that, but I don't want to sacrifice precious sleep and I wouldn't be able to go to any classes so I don't feel that using the elliptical is necessarily any better than exercising at home.
Here was me thinking I had a stretch of time ahead with no deviations from routine! How silly was I! Two weeks of school holidays coming up. Or as I said to Tim this morning, anti-holidays for me. He'll still be working so it means I'll have the kids home all day. Need to think of lots of fun things to do. That don't involve food, or huge amounts of money.
I thought my weight might be up this morning after last night's salty dinner, but only up 0.1 kg. I did drink all my water so I'm sure that helped.
I started to have strong cravings again after lunch. This time specifically for Twisties (crunchy cheese flavoured twists). I fought it and fought it but finally after nearly three hours, after the kids got home from school, I gave in. We walked a kilometre each way to the corner store and had a treat. I enjoyed my Twisties very much but did feel a bit sick afterwards - it wasn't a family size bag but it was bigger than a one-person serve. What is it with these sudden cravings? I don't understand where they are coming from.
While Jasmine was in her ballet class, Aiden and I went for another walk. He chose the direction and the path unexpectedly went up a long steep hill. We made it to the top of the path - the hill continued in trees and grass - 24 flights of stairs high according to my fitbit. We walked back down and I hit 10,000 steps as we got back to the dance studio so that was good timing.
So it was a mixed day. Some good things, some bad. I did some exercise, but didn't go to the gym (because I left it until the afternoon and then just didn't). I ate about 500 calories of junk. I am a bit worried about these persistent cravings. It's not any special time of the month or anything. Oh well, it's only been for two days, two days isn't exactly a pattern set in stone. I had a great sleep and that is still an important Non Scale Victory.
Mental health: A bit up and down.