Sunday, September 25, 2011

Crash and explode into fragments of self-loathing


Tough day. Tim woke at 6am. He's been doing that a lot lately due to stress. So I get woken too by his tossing and turning. And he comes to bed late, most nights, and I rarely sleep before then. So neither of us are getting near enough sleep. I was/am exhausted from the weekend of cleaning and looking after guests and eating junk food. My body is abused wreck.

My father-in-law and his girlfriend were still here when I left to take the kids to school (in fact Chris wasn't out of bed yet) but I went to the gym anyway. BodyPump. Ye Gods it was hard. My legs were cramping up horribly during squats. But I pushed through it and even stayed for the abs and stretches even though I couldn't do much of it. I was really hoping the guests would be gone by the time I got home because I really needed to get to work and my father-in-law is a talker. No matter how frantically busy or disinterested or actually-leaving-the-room his audience, he keeps talking.

So I got home and they were still there, Chris still in her pyjamas, and they stayed until 11.30. Frustrating. Then I did some work, had my healthy back-on-track lunch, did some more work. Then the little voice started...

I had encouraged brother-in-law Nick and his wife to take junk food away with them yesterday, and Des took more today. But there was still lots left. I packed it away in a bag in the cupboard ready for D&D tomorrow (enough there for about three suppers, actually). I was confident, this morning, that I could resist it until tomorrow. After all, I was saturated with junk food. Over it. With a mouth ulcer that made it painful to eat. First day back on my diet. Easy to resist. Yeah, right. About 1 pm, the little voice...

"Chips." "No, I'm not going to." "You know you will." "No I won't." "You might as well give in now, you know you will eventually anyway. Save yourself the painful struggle." "You're probably right, I will give in, I always do." "I know." "But no, not today, I will be strong today." "You know you won't. It's chips. Lots of yummy chips. You can't resist chips."

It didn't really take very long, once I started thinking about them. So I got out a bag of chips. And ate the WHOLE BAG. When I was eating them, I felt great. I was simultaneously watching an episode on The Doctors where they were talking about how doing addictive behaviours gets the brain to release dopamine. Oh yeah, that dopamine is good stuff. But of course when I finished the bag, with just a handful left in the bottom, I felt ill. Physically and emotionally ill. A whole bag is unusually excessive for me. I just kept eating and I don't know why. Apart from the dopamine, of course. And the tiredness. And probably PMS. But they are just excuses. More than 900 calories worth of fat and salt. I now feel miserable and ashamed of myself and bloated.

I will get Tim to hide the rest of the bag tonight, offer it tomorrow night at D&D, and get people to take home the rest or throw it away - anything that tempts me, at least. Chips, in particular. I don't have a sweet tooth (apart from chocolate) and I don't care much for lollies.

Another downside to the binge-eating is that it took quite a big chunk of time when I was supposed to be working. I sat and read while I ate, and not even one of the many books I need to read. It was a plunge into destructive time-wasting.

Just after eating, I was reading a sexy love-scene in my book. My first reaction was a spark of arousal and looking forward to spending time with my husband. My second reaction, so quick I barely had time to notice the first reaction, was self-loathing and feeling like I didn't deserve sex. That my chip-laden body was disgusting and unlovable and most definitely not something anyone would want to have sex with. The ephemeral spark was crushed.

I refuse to simply "write off" today like I have for the past few where I didn't bother to track my food or eat well. I will eat a healthy dinner and write it all down and move on from here. And get rid of all temptations out of the house.

Maybe I should open the packets now and tip it all in the bin where it will be irretrivable. But I have already told people they don't need to bring anything tomorrow. And I really am convinced that I won't be tempted again before this evening when Tim can hide it. Surely I've had enough to hold me until then.

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