Sunday, September 11, 2011

Struggling today


Today really feels like a struggle. I am not physically hungry, but I want to eat. I want to nibble at something crunchy and salty and unhealthy. I know what I have planned for dinner and I hope to get some tasty fruit for afternoon tea while doing a mini-shop with the kids after school, so the only thing that would be acceptable to my diet right now is a yoghurt, basically. And I don't want a horrible cold slimy sweet yoghurt. I want fried chicken! Or chips! Or a hot chocolate.

I could have a hot chocolate, if I was prepared to spend an indulgence on it, but: 1. I want to save both indulgences for supper tomorrow night, and 2. I don't want to have an indulgence in this mood. It would feel like I've given in.

I went to the gym this morning and got changed in the downstairs part even though the class was upstairs because I wanted to weigh myself again. Even though I knew a bad result would make me feel bad/worse. But the door to that room was closed and I didn't want to try it in case an instuctor was giving someone a health check in there. So I didn't get to weigh myself.

Then I did BodyPump, which I usually enjoy. It was hard. It was my fifth day in a row of exercise, including two classes yesterday -- one of them Pump -- and my body was just tired. My shoulders hurt and my knees hurt and my toe hurts where I tore the nail last night. I left before lunges. I just couldn't face them. This meant I did about 40 mins. I am trying to see the positive of having done that much.

I am working today -- really easy work of the first read-through of a manuscript. But my mind keeps wandering and my eyes keep blurring staring at the screen. I've done a bit of housework. Anything other than what I really should be doing. I don't know why today is so hard. I don't even have PMS. I feel guilty for feeling like this when my life is so easy. Maybe I'm just tired. I think I have found before that the fifth day of exercise in a row is bad, maybe it's still a bit much for me. I have to push myself hard -- but in moderation. Hmm.


At the shops both kids chose a packet of chips (crisps) for their Monday shopping treat. I got a punnet of strawberries for myself. I love strawberries, and a whole punnet to myself really is a treat this early in the season. But oh Gods I wanted those chips. Standing in the check-out queue I was seriously debating with myself whether I wanted to lose weight more than I wanted a family-size bag of cheezles with cream cheese in the middle. It was a close-run thing! I was literally nearly crying as I struggled with myself. If there had been a junk food display next to my register I don't know if I could have stayed strong.

Then the kids ate their chips in the car and I was inhaling that beautiful salty fatty potato smell. I wanted to ask them to share. But I felt that "just one" would be my undoing and I would end up crash-tackling my own children for their whole bag of chips. They finished at home, and when I was clearing up the empty packets I saw one tiny chip on Aiden's chair. So little, so tempting... I threw it in the bin.

In the end, I settled for having too much pasta at dinnertime and fatty Thousand Island dressing on my salad. I am feeling over-full and bloated, but much more at peace with something really satisfying in my stomach. I think I did pretty well today, after all.

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