Alive!

Tuesday:

Today I am totally feeling like a human again instead of a zombie snot-machine! Yay! I won't be running a 5k, but I was able to walk the kids to school and I will get back into my writing instead of staring blankly at the TV all day.

It was my twelfth wedding anniversary yesterday. Happy anniversary darling!

I did remember to weigh myself yesterday, 83.9kg (down from 84.8 the week before, my peak of 85 the week before that). I'm determined to keep that downward trend going even now my appetite is coming back.

I was thinking last night about how my beliefs about what I like eating haven't really kept up with the reality. I don't know if this is influenced by a physical addiction to some foods (it is fairly well accepted now that sugar is addictive but that is not my demon, and I've never heard of a salt/fat addiction) or if it is a psychological thing - I have enjoyed foods in the past so I expect to still enjoy them even though a big part of me knows I won't. Or is it that I am just stuck in a mental rut where I take the junk food automatically?

As an example; say I am craving some fresh fruit. I'm a bit thirsty and maybe I've eaten something fatty that makes the idea of a crispy juicy apple really appealing to freshen my mouth. Put a great looking apple in front of me beside a packet of salty fatty chips and I will likely still take the chips. Even though I don't really want them. I don't really understand this behaviour, but it needs to stop. It's ridiculous.

This is probably just classic comfort eating - using types of food that actually make me feel worse in a mistaken idea that they will make me feel better somehow.

So I am working on telling myself "I don't really like that food" (if that is true) or "I don't really want that right now."

Twenty years ago I enjoyed sugary soft drinks and cordials. Gradually I found them too sweet and started reducing my consumption. Now my favourite drink is cold water with a squeeze of lemon juice. I am not being virtuous in drinking this, I am not making a sacrifice of taste vs health. I genuinely like it the best and find sugary drinks nasty. I want to get to that place with some other foods that I still eat even though I no longer enjoy them much or enjoy but feel sick if I have too much. To recognise what I really want and go for that instead of automatically taking the unhealthiest option. Eat the apple, dammit!