Juggling calories

Monday:

My eating was a bit muddled today. I didn't have a morning snack so I was really hungry at lunch time. I had planned to eat 3/4 of a quesadilla while out shopping but I ended up eating the whole thing for a whopping 600 calories, and a lot more carbohydrate than I am used to eating in one go these days. Then I was uncomfortably full all afternoon and at nothing until dinner, when I was ravenous again. My calories for the day are fine, and for some people three big meals is preferred, but I really didn't like it. I alternated between too hungry and too full all day. I prefer three smaller meals and two or three snacks, getting mildly hungry each time and never overstuffed. I can go longer and get hungry, it's not usually an emergency (but sometimes my blood sugar drops and I feel awful and act confused or mean), but then I overeat and sometimes make bad choices in what I eat. I know what my personal needs are, and generally I plan my day better.

I've been really tired the past two days, falling asleep with the puppy on my lap if I sit still for long. I'm not sure why, Thor has been sleeping through until nearly time for us to get up anyway, and I've had my CPAP on all night. I have been a bit restless though. Sometimes I find the CPAP annoying in the early hours of the morning because it stops me moving around - I can lie on my back or my left side easily, anything else needs very careful positioning. Sometimes I get up to use the bathroom and then the CPAP suddenly seems very intrusive when I'm trying to get back to sleep.

Overall, though, I got through the day ok. I ate too much at lunchtime so I just moderated my calories for the rest of the day. I was very tired but I got the grocery shopping done and then had some nice quiet times with my puppy. It wasn't a bad day at all.

The French Navy

Sunday:

There is a joke that the unofficial motto of the French Navy is "A léau cést l'heure".

My husband and I were falling over laughing at this. It only works if you know some basic French.
*(Explanation at the end)

I didn't really do anything today. It's been bitingly cold and raining here most days lately, so we don't spend much time outside. It was nice, though, just being home with the family. At one point I was watching a nature documentary with my son on one knee and my puppy on the other, while my husband and daughter were out looking for birthday presents for me. Not a bad way to spend an hour on a chilly afternoon.

What I did do was stick to my food plan. I am finding 1600 much more comfortable, it isn't a struggle to stick to. We'll see how my weight goes this week. I'm prepared to struggle a bit if that is what I need to do to lose weight. But it has to be achievable or I'm just setting myself up for failure.

I have been struggling a little bit with thoughts of my birthday. I have a strong sense of entitlement, that I should be able to take the day off from dieting and just stuff myself with whatever I want. And I could do that. But I also feel entitled to lose weight, get rid of my CPAP, and live a healthier life. I don't think "just one day" of overeating junk is worth the possibility a major setback. And it might not be "just one day", sometimes it can be hard to pull it back after a binge. So I am still determined to be moderate. Eat a bit more than usual, but not too much more.

* We puzzled over the meaning of these words for a while, and why it was supposed to be a joke. The water is the hour? Something like that? What does that mean and why is it funny? Then we tried saying it out loud. "A-lo say-ler". Hello sailor! Well, we thought it was funny!

Day 38 and still going strong!

Saturday:

I can't believe I'm up to day 38 of healthy living. More than five weeks. I haven't been perfect, but after each slip I get back on track straight away. There have certainly been a few moments when it would have been so much easier to just give up on the whole thing and dive into food, but I've resisted successfully.

I'm feeling very content today because my family decided not to go away. I tried hard not to mope but my husband could see how unhappy I was. I was really struggling with it. It was to see his extended family who live quite a long way away, for a birthday lunch. Usually we would all go, and in only one more week Thor will be old enough and fully vaccinated so could go in a boarding kennel if we want to go somewhere we couldn't take him (today's event was in a restaurant, so even if we were prepared to have him in the car for four hours each way we couldn't), but because it was this weekend I would have had to stay home with him.

We haven't been able to visit my mum either (both our families live in the same city, where we both grew up) but in a few weeks we'll arrange a boarding kennel and go and visit them all for the weekend.

Another reason I am feeling good is that Thor slept right through until after 7:00am, so I got to sleep and wear my CPAP all night. It makes such a difference to your mood when you get a decent night's sleep.

The kids had their swimming lesson this morning then I took Jasmine shopping for clothes this afternoon, quite successfully which isn't always the case.

Then Tim and the kids started up one of our Xbox dance games.

A conversation with myself about exercising:

Me: I wanted to go for a walk today but it is raining and freezing so I can't. But the intention counts right? So I don't need to do anything else.
Myself: Ah, no, it doesn't work that way.
Me: But I will have to change all my clothes into workout gear because I get so hot when I dance.
Myself: Yeah, so? It won't take that long.
Me: And then I will have to change again afterwards back into winter gear.
Myself: I can have a lovely shower first, and then I won't have to worry about a shower before bed when I'm tired.
Me: My sports bras are all uncomfortably tight around the back these days, and I can't put a bra on by myself with my shoulder stiffness, but I have to wear one to jump around.
Myself: Lucky Tim is home to help then. And you won't be wearing it long. And it won't be as tight as it was five weeks ago.
Me: I will be cold at first in my workout gear.
Myself: You'll warm up quickly.
Me: Then I will be too hot.
Myself: Really, me? You're going to complain about too cold AND too hot?
Me: Sorry.
Myself: Nothing wrong with a bit of sweat. Shows you're working. And it comes off in the shower.
Me: It is hardly worth exercising today, I probably won't exercise again for a week so it's not like I'm building up fitness.
Myself: The solution to that would be to exercise regularly. And even if you don't, dancing will be fun and good for you.
Me: I still don't really feel like it, but I guess I'm changed now.
Myself: Good. Off you go.

I ended up dancing for about 45 minutes at fairly moderate intensity, worked up just enough sweat to need a shower, and enjoyed the exercise.

What do you turn to when you can't turn to food?

Friday:

I'm feeling a tiny bit sad today. Probably intensified by the fact I have a bit of a cold, as do my husband and daughter. But what I'm sad about is that the rest of my family will be away a lot of the weekend and I can't go because someone has to stay home with the puppy AND I can't comfort myself with food.

Typically if I'm feeling a bit lonely I turn to food. In fact sometimes I looked forward to it - oh, I'll be alone all evening so I'll have plenty of time to eat all that stuff I don't want to eat in front of my family. Yay.

So what do you do when you no longer use food as a drug? Where do you get comfort, companionship, distraction?

Some people turn to a new addiction, like alcohol. Obviously I don't want to do that.

I've had this problem a few times lately, when feeling stressed or bored or whatever. Not allowed food but I want something... I pace around aimlessly, flitting from task to task and abandoning each, unsettled. It was particularly bad on the scamming day because I couldn't use my computer to distract me either. At least I have that back.

Oh well, I'll survive.

Weigh in Thursday

Thursday:

Starting weight: 85.3 kg
Last week: 81.9
This week: 81.4
Loss: 0.5
Total loss: 3.9 kg

I lost half a kilogram this week, and I am very happy with that. I really wasn't expecting a loss at all. I guess not turning to food when stressed really helps! Half a kilogram is a good steady loss.

I took Thor to the vet this morning for his final immunisation shots (and some drops in his nose!) This time the vet said 7-10 days, and then that a week is ok, so he'll be able to walk the kids to school with me on the last day of term next Friday. Just in time for the school holidays. Yay, only a week until we can go out for walks and to the park! And last night he only woke once, nearly 6am, so that is going really well.

**My bank just called me and the scammers tried to take around $600 but it seems to have been successfully stopped. So that is good.

My computer has been completely wiped and reset from the original start-up discs so hopefully we've removed any viruses they put on. And the bank's fraud department is checking everything their end.

So yesterday generated a lot of stress and work, but hopefully no worse will come of it. I am trying to forgive myself for being so gullible. Sean Anderson made a lovely comment yesterday about how being trusting just means to expect others to be as honest as you are. I agree that is not a bad thing and I would hate to always assume the worst of everyone. But "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me", I will be a bit more careful from now on.

Being scammed

Wednesday:

I was scammed today, by what was apparently a well-known group. They were certainly very smooth and professional. I never thought I would be taken in like that. I feel so stupid and upset. After 'grooming' me for an hour on the phone, they ended up with access to a lot of stuff on my computer. Of course everything is changed, banks notified etc now. I am writing this on my laptop, we are going to completely wipe my PC. I don't care if I lose a few unsaved photos or a few days writing. I'll feel safer.

When I found information about this particular scam later on a government website, it talked about how they use a mixture of friendliness and bullying and that was so true. I started off very cautious and they were calm and reassuring (I talked to a couple of different people) then later when I got suspicious somehow they were able to bully me into continuing. Oh I feel like an idiot.

I was vulnerable to this particular scam because I'd been having a lot of internet troubles for the past few days, with no internet access for hours at a time, so when someone from the internet provider called to help me fix it, it seemed quite reasonable. They didn't really know I was having problems, they just call people at random on the chance that quite often they will get someone who is.

It ended like this: I was trying to make a small payment to them, using my MasterCard online, but it apparently wasn't going through. So he got me to log into my bank account to see if the payment had been made. (Yes, stupid me.) He started flipping through screens from his end! He had access to my account. I burst into tears and he shouted at me, telling me he wasn't doing anything. He was really aggressive, how dare I accuse him. I was about to pull the plug, when he apparently put $1500 into my account. What the? (Turned out he had just transferred it from another of my accounts, which I didn't realise at the time.) It was weird enough to make me pause for a moment. I asked for an explanation and I didn't get one that made sense, but what he wanted me to do was go to an ATM and withdraw $1200 of this and put into his nominated account and I could keep the other $300. What what what?? I turned off the computer and pulled all the plugs on the modem etc, and even the landline phone, then called my husband, the bank, and the police. My husband came home for a while and also called his brother, who is a bit of a computer expert, for advice. I was shaking for an hour.

As far as I know I am have not lost any money, but they have quite a few of my personal details which is scary for identity theft.

One thing that almost gives me half a smile is when he asked me when I needed to get back to work and I said I didn't work, I was a housewife. Looking back, I can see his 'oh' was of disappointment!

Really though, I am very very unsettled and distressed. My stomach is all churned up and I feel sick still, many hours later.

Just to put the crown on my afternoon, the kids were still not home half an hour after school finished. They haven't been walking home without me for long, only a couple of weeks, and it is only two blocks away. There is no reason for it to take them half an hour. I got really scared and went out to search for them. I found them dawdling home over the school oval, apparently with no idea they had been playing with friends so long.

One ray of light in the gloom, I didn't turn to food. What I really wanted to do all afternoon was write it all out on my blog! Which I have finally got access to do. Writing it out helps, even though you all know now how stupid and gullible I am.

I just realised that yesterday the section I wrote for my novel (and didn't save to a USB, so will now be lost) was an exploration of how my heroine is extremely trusting and some people saw that as a weakness but others didn't. I suddenly see it as more of a fault than when I wrote it yesterday!

Revising calorie limits

Wednesday:

Two good things. Firstly, I got through games night last night only using the 200 extra calories I'd planned - half chocolate, half sour lollies. Big improvement on the past couple of weeks when I overdid it. And secondly Thor only woke once last night, around 4:30, so I am feeling a lot less zombie-like today. Yay! Although it was really hard to get out of bed this morning, my body wants more of this lovely sleep invention.

Not quite so good; I don't expect a loss this week when I weigh in tomorrow. Firstly, it is that time of the month which means water retention. And secondly, it is that time of the month so I want to eat more. And thirdly it is freezing cold here so I want to eat more. And fourthly I have been slacking off a bit on my daily cognitive therapy tasks - reaffirming why I want to lose weight, not reading while I eat, sticking solidly to my calorie limit without giving myself a choice about it. I just got a little bit complacent, I think, because it was feeling fairly easy. For the first three or four weeks I spent a lot of time each day concentrating on my weight loss; rereading my book and advantages card and planning healthy food etc. Without any conscious decision I just put less focus on it over the past week or so. I've still been doing pretty well, but a few extra calories have crept in each day, usually in mid-afternoon.

In the first Beck book she doesn't give you any diet guidelines to follow, she just helps you stick to whatever diet you have chosen. But the second book, which I bought recently, has the addition of a diet plan, some recipes, and a formula for working out how many calories you should be eating (which goes down when you lose weight). I was quite happy sticking to 1400 calories for the first few weeks, it seemed like the right amount to satisfy me as long as they were nourishing balanced calories. But the formula Beck uses says I should be eating 1800 a day, and that no one should go below 1600 (at least not without consulting a nutritionist, it's true it is very hard to get in all the national guidelines on dairy, fibre etc if you are eating less than 1600). And other people (hi Marion) have said 1600 is better. So now I'm not sure. I have been very hungry this week and I have had 1800 a couple of days but I was ok on 1400 before that. I think its hormones and the cold weather. Should I eat more in winter?  I feel like I won't lose any weight on 1800, I haven't this week. But I don't want to keep trying for 1400 and failing because that feels bad. But maybe it won't be so hard the rest of the month. Arg.

I guess the sensible compromise is to increase to 1600 for this week and see how I go with hunger and with weight loss. If I don't lose any weight next week I'll have to rethink again. But I will try it, while refocusing my energy. It is worth the time and effort.

Fat vs sugar

Tuesday:

Last night I watched a show about fat vs sugar. It started off a bit unscientific, they got ONE set of identical twins (the hosts of the show, both doctors, one person in each group is not really a valid sample size for a study!) and put one on a high fat/low sugar diet and the other on a high sugar/low fat diet. They could eat as much as they wanted of their assigned foods. They both lost weight, fat and muscle loss, in the four weeks. The high fat twin was deemed to be doing more damage to his body, I think. Surprisingly, his insulin resistance was much worse than his high-sugar brother's. But overall they said either extreme was bad and you shouldn't cut out any food group or overeat in another like that.

They then looked at scientific studies. The bit that interested me was that people don't generally eat just fat or just sugar. Lump of butter, anyone? A couple of tablespoons of sugar by itself? (But what about soft drink/soda?) And in studies with rats, they generally wouldn't overeat or get fat when given free access to fat or sugar along with healthy rat food. But mix them together... oh my. Apparently the most palatable combination is around half fat, half sugar. Cheesecake! It seems to switch off our self-regulation ability. The rats stuffed themselves and got obese. And people are the same. One reason all that processed food is so dangerous. The combination of fat and sugar together does not appear in nature, they said! (Although it occurs to me, isn't milk - including human milk - both fatty and quite sweet?) Anyway, it wasn't really an in-depth report and mainly covered one researcher's life work, but it was interesting just the same.

The last two days I've finally got back to writing properly instead of just staring blankly at the screen, I've had a couple of good sessions, the first since we got Thor. So that is exciting. Maybe I'll get this book written eventually after all. It's amazing what a bit of sleep can do for the brain.

The temperature has plummeted here and it is definitely making me want to eat more. Have to make sure I have hot and comforting yet healthy options available. I've got some chicken soup simmering away on the stove for tomorrow's lunch.

I cleaned up my blog roll a bit today, taking off blogs that hadn't been updated in months - or in some cases years. Still following around 30, either weight-loss or writing related. It's always sad when a blogger disappears. Unless they say goodbye you assume relapse that they don't want to confess. Other people I follow have said they are taking a hiatus. I guess I understand that, although I mostly just talk about day to day stuff so I never have to stress about what to talk about, or about being profound. It must be almost exactly four years since I started, just before my 40th birthday. Happy birthday, blog!

A better night

Sunday:

I feel a million times better today! Even though I got up just as many times last night (put Thor to bed at 10:30, was woken at 12.15, 2:15, 5:00 and finally 7:15) I was only up for a few minutes each time. Instead of me sitting with him for half an hour (or in one case over an hour) trying to get him settled and quiet and ready to go back to sleep, I just gave him praise for going outside and a cuddle then put him straight back in his brand new bed and closed the door. And you know what? The first time he whined for maybe 5 minutes, the second time 2 minutes, then not at all. What were we worried about? So although my sleep was still broken, I spent most of the night in bed and it made such a difference.

We still want him to go outside when he needs to go to the toilet rather than using the floor, so we'll just have to put up with getting up for a while longer.

I was prepared for a weight gain today of up to a kilogram after yesterday's high carbohydrate, high salt diet and I was right. Up 0.9 kg overnight! I'm not worried, it's just water weight that I will lose again within a couple of days. Goes to show how much of a difference what you eat can make. I ate around the same number of calories as usual, but some foods just make you hold on to water.

I've finished ripping out all the favourite and "must try" recipes from years of cooking magazines and put them all in four folders. It took a couple of weeks. There is definitely a pattern in the recipes I marked. I have at least five for lemon tarts, for instance. And three or four for Thai beef salad. Similar recipes come up every year or so, and the same ones appeal to me each time. I have an extensive chicken chapter and a tiny fish section, and the dessert section is about the size of all the others combined! I hardly ever make dessert, and then it is usually a few tested favourites, but that doesn't stop me bookmarking chocolate self-saucing pudding every time it is published.

A good day with much healthier food than yesterday.

When 2 minute noodles are the "good" option

Saturday:

I am giving myself so much credit for today, even though I was far from perfect.

Had a horrible night, up three times with Thor and ended up just before dawn with a puppy who wouldn't sleep except on my lap, I was unable to stop crying from exhaustion. I spent the morning cranky, miserable and nauseated, frequently in tears or close to them. I forced myself to eat my usual breakfast at around 10am although I didn't feel like eating. The kids had their swimming lesson while I stayed home with Thor and a broken internet access, then at lunchtime I didn't feel up to cooking my planned food so we had 2 minute noodles. Not a great choice, I know, just empty carbohydrate and salt, but it was that or send my husband out for fast food. And while deep-fried chicken and chips or pizza probably would have had more nutritional value, it also would have had a billion calories. I can't say for sure I made the right choice, but I am calling it a win. I resisted what I considered the worse (and more tempting) option.

Then I did the grocery shopping and bought lots of healthy food. I got some biscuits for family and visitors, but after a brief struggle I bought ones I hate so I wouldn't be tempted. What I did have was a mini bar of chocolate. I had scheduled in a couple of squares to have after dinner today so I just moved that up.

I could easily have said today "I am tired so I NEED junk food," or "I am unhappy so I DESERVE junk food." And then I would have been even more unhappy later. I don't need or deserve what is literally junk.

Tim and the kids made raspberry banana muffins in the afternoon, I didn't have any. Tim offered to make dinner, delicious risotto. My day was very high carb low protein but I was so glad I didn't have to cook. And I finished the day only a few calories over.

I think I negotiated the rapids pretty well, with only a few minor bruises. So many times in the past I went straight to large amounts of unhealthy food to get through a hard day. It's nice to end hard day without an added burden of guilt and shame.

Tonight we are changing our system with Thor, to what you might call controlled crying. It could be worse for a couple of nights, but hopefully better after that. Can't go on like this. Wish me luck.

The toothpaste spit arc

Friday:

I've been trying hard not to complain too much about the constant sleep deprivation from having a puppy who needs to go out a couple of times a night, but there was at least one funny result of being frequently half-asleep. I was brushing my teeth at bedtime and turned sideways to dry my hands at the same time as spitting out the toothpaste. Luckily the dirty clothes basket is right under the hand towel so most of the arc of spit went on dirty clothes. I had to laugh at myself.

Less fun is the struggle to get any creative work done, I spend more time staring at the screen dopily than actually writing anything. Tim is really feeling it too, he works long hours and rides his bike to and from work and needs his sleep. Oh well, I keep telling myself this is a relatively short stage.

Weigh-in Thursday

Thursday:

Starting weight: 85.3 kg
Last week: 82.9
This week: 81.9
Loss this week: 1.0 kg
Total loss: 3.4 kg

I am very happy with a loss of 1.0 kg (2.2 pounds) this week. The line on the graph is still going down down down. And 3.4 kg in four weeks is great.

It is just under two weeks until my 44th birthday. I don't have plans for a party this year. I just don't have the energy to spare, I would rather sleep than stay up late! And party food is still a bit scary for me. I need to practice being around it, I suppose. I'm supposed to have gone to a restaurant by now to practice making good choices and not overeating. I'll do that for my birthday. I'll be fighting feelings of entitlement ("but it's my birthday!"), maybe that is a bad time to start?

The tradition here is for the birthday person to chose the entire menu for that day. Well I'm the mum so I do that every other day of the year anyway! But we have a special breakfast, junky snacks after school, favourite dinner, and dessert (we only have dessert here on special occasions or with visitors). I really don't want to totally ignore my diet, not even for one day! It will be a Wednesday, which means I won't have the car. Or maybe I will, I think Tim and the kids will probably stay home instead of going to karate lessons on my birthday.

So here is the plan: something special for breakfast but not too much of it. Normal food while the kids are at school; fruit for morning tea, a nice but healthy lunch that I take a bit of extra care with. Afternoon tea when the kids get home... hmmm not sure. Right now I am feeling a lot of resistance to not having a mini party with them, like cake and some chips (but it's my birthday!). I need to work on how I feel about that, considering I will be having extra calories a couple of other times throughout the day. Cake in the afternoon instead of dessert after dinner? Because maybe dinner out. I'm thinking Thai food which has lots of healthy options. We don't like Asian desserts so cake for afternoon tea might be a nice festive alternative. Overall, I'm planning to allow myself to have more calories than usual but not too many more. Not an all-day binge. A weight gain wouldn't be a very nice birthday present to myself.

Let it go

Tuesday:

I was angry and upset but I did NOT turn to food.

It was nothing so very bad, just house-training the puppy. He has taken to waiting until we come back inside then peeing on the carpet. Today I stayed out with him for an HOUR AND A HALF, nothing. Came back inside because it was getting cold (winter here, remember) and he barely made it in the door before letting go. I went from happy to furious in a second. I yelled at him and had to put him back outside for a few minutes alone so I wouldn't take out my frustrations on him, I know he is just a confused puppy. But it takes me so long to calm down when I get so upset about something. An hour later I was only just starting to feel better. Still, I did not turn to food.

I said yesterday that last night's overeating was unplanned, but I have realised that wasn't true. I provided most of what I ate, knowing full well I was going to partake. I "gave myself permission" because it was a special occasion - friends leaving and I likely won't ever see them again, or rarely. Yet although I knew for a couple of days in advance what I was going to eat, I guess I didn't let myself think about it too closely. And then was annoyed at myself after the fact! Oh well, moving on.

I got my new Beck diet book in the mail today, the follow up to the one I have been using. It is mainly the same information, repackaged, which I already knew but I wanted my own copy of one (the other is a library book) so I thought I might as well get the new updated one. It is perfect timing, tomorrow is the final day of the six week course in the first book (four weeks of actual dieting, I overlapped the first two weeks of preparation with the actual diet time). Then I can start going through my new one, which is arranged differently into five stages instead of 42 days. I will read it all through before starting on the tasks.

One thing I've been scared of with this diet attempt is that usually a fail means a total fail and I give up entirely and wallow in junk food again. But I'm up to nearly four weeks and although I've had several slips I've just got back up straight away and kept going. This cognitive therapy stuff is really working for me. Concentrating several times a day on why I want to lose weight, giving myself credit for what I do right, not considering a slip the end of the diet, planning ahead what I am going to eat but only one day at a time (I have in the past made weekly plans that I haven't stuck to at all), setting small goals instead only looking ahead to goal weight, dealing with feeling like life is unfair because I can't eat everything I want all the time, it is all helping.

Arsenic hour

Monday:

I was so cranky tonight at arsenic hour (it is traditional for toddlers to be tired and hungry in late afternoon/early evening when mummy is trying to cook dinner). Not enough sleep last night - what a difference that makes! - and Thor getting under my feet. I ended up tying him to the kitchen table. Then I cut my finger on the aluminium foil around a tub of cream cheese:

 I took the photo because I was so cranky I was thinking about suing the makers of Philadelphia cream cheese and I wanted evidence! Well my husband is a lawyer.

Here is Thor being a good boy:

 Investigating the strawberry patch, one of his favourite places to wrestle plants into submission:

And in his second favourite garden bed, the herb patch:

 

We had our games night one day early because some of our friends are moving to another city tomorrow, their house was all packed up so they said they might as well come over. I ate too much again. This is a pattern that must not continue. I am totally for occasional treats, but not eating so much unplanned. It looks like we are continuing Dungeons and Dragons with the four of us left, for the time being at least, so managing my supper consumption is something I still need to work on. The rest of the day I did very well, even being tired and cranky. At least I don't automatically turn to food anymore - unless it is right in front of me. 



Dance competition

Sunday:

I exercised today! Yay!

Thor slept from 10:30 to 7:00 which was so wonderful, and it meant I had some energy to spend today. I challenged my family to a dance contest - first to 50 stars (each track awards a maximum of 5 stars). As I expected, I started off in the lead but as I got tired my husband started catching up. My movements were losing their precision and energy. But I just managed to hold it together long enough to beat him, then collapsed! Jasmine wasn't far behind us in points, Aiden gave up half-way through and was out playing on the trampoline. Tim and Jasmine even kept dancing until they both hit 50 stars, but my 50 minutes of exercise was enough for me for the day.

To restrain Thor so he didn't get under our feet, we put his day bed near us but not in the way and then put him on his lead with the end attached to a chair. He could move around a bit and get to his water bowl but not to where we were dancing. He only struggled for a few seconds, he hasn't been on the lead very often, then he just lay in his bed and watched or slept. So that is a potential problem solved.

My food has been excellent today. I added an apple to my afternoon snack after all the dancing, but otherwise stuck to my plan. Another day done and dusted.

No cupcakes for me

Saturday:

Quiet Saturday. I stayed home with Thor while Tim took the kids to swimming lessons, and in the afternoon I did the grocery shopping. Had a disrupted night with the puppy up at 3:00, 4:15 and 7:30, and Aiden coming in to cuddle at 7:00. But on the other hand I got to stay in bed until 9:30, which was lovely, so I may have made up for the frequent sleep interruptions.

Tim and the kids made lemon & raspberry cupcakes. I didn't have any. I am feeling pretty strong. Thursday's weigh-in only showed a 0.2 kg loss this week but I have dropped another 0.8 kg in the two days since. I really am feeling a bit thinner, and seeing progress makes sticking to my plan easier.

I have a big overflowing folder of recipes, some I use regularly and some I haven't tried yet, and many years worth of cooking magazines full of sticky bookmarks. My project at the moment is organising all this into four folders. I'm just doing a bit each day, gradually getting things transferred into the new sections and throwing out some recipes I have never used. Tearing out three or four pages from each magazine instead of keeping the whole thing will free up a lot of shelf space. But it is going to take a while. I have tried putting it all on computer, but it turns out I prefer paper.

Feeling thinner

Friday:

Today it is raining. And cold, of course. Raining and cold. So I did not put the puppy outside with a bone and go for a walk.

Also, Thor has gone back to sleeping all day. Maybe because it is a brumous day? Wait, what? I thought brumous meant cloudy, but I just looked it up and it means foggy or misty, wintery. Well it is certainly wintery, but not foggy. Just gloomy clouds.

Today for lunch I had a small serve of pasta with some chicken breast, sun-dried tomato pesto and a splash of cream. It was delicious. And 500 calories! Maybe I should check before I cook... Each of those four elements is quite high calorie and they sure add up. I kept to my calories for the day though, even if "supper" was picking at the leftover roast.

Apparently the latest cover of Time magazine is about how we should eat butter and how authorities were completely wrong about demonising fat. My friend who did her dietetics degree about five years ago is very anti-saturated-fat and pro-carbs, and they may still be teaching that, but I think that is lagging way behind all the new studies. Nowadays it is trans-fats and sugar that are the evil ones, natural fats are fine. Sugar was once just "empty calories", now it is addictive crack that makes you eat more and more. Trans-fats were originally promoted as a healthy alternative to saturated fats, now we know they are far worse.

It's kind of scary that they will probably change their minds again in another five years. There is a line from a movie or TV show where the high-fat cook shrugs and says authorities will soon be telling us we're not eating enough bacon.

I've been writing my "Advantage Response Cards" i.e. why I want to lose weight. I've come up with many reasons, some not so obvious. Like bras being more comfortable because they aren't digging into back fat.

I'm actually feeling a bit thinner today. It's a nice feeling.

Week three weigh in

Thursday:

Week three weigh-in!

Starting weight: 85.3 kg
Last week: 83.1 kg
This week: 82.9 kg
Loss this week: 0.2 kg
Total loss: 2.4 kg

Considering the extra treats I had this week, I am happy with any kind of loss. The line on the graph is still going down! And I am under 83 again which feels significant for me because it was my "highest ever" for a while before it went up even more. Next goal is 80! Then after that it will be 75, which I am looking forward to even more than eventually reaching goal weight, because a couple of times in the past on the way up 76 was the point where I went from feeling a bit overweight to really starting to hate the way my body looked. Getting back under that will be awesome. Anyway, for today I celebrate being under 83 again.

I took Thor to the vet today because the paperwork I had said he was due for his next vaccination, although I thought the breeder said not for another two weeks. And it's not for another two weeks. Don't know why the previous vet put that date, only two weeks after the last shot, maybe just a mistake. So that was a waste of $56. She gave him a check-up though and everything is good. And told me the schedule for worming him. But he'll get his vaccination in two weeks and then still can't associate with other dogs or go to the park for two weeks after that! Another month stuck at home. So definitely need to get my exercise sorted.

At lunchtime today I put Thor outside with a chicken neck to gnaw on and he was happy with that for well over half an hour while I had my own lunch inside then came out with a cup of tea. So I might use that time to go for a walk tomorrow. I probably worry too much about him stressing if left alone. I have been out for short errands of 45 mins or so a couple of times, leaving him locked in the bathroom which is where his night-time crate is, and come home to find him not in his bed but sleeping in the little clothes basket on my dirty socks. I don't think he was too bothered, and he certainly didn't mind being left outside for a little while with food today. I'm the one who stresses. I'll build up the time alone slowly, for my sake if not his!

I bought some index cards today. The very first thing you are supposed to do for the Beck Diet Solution is to write down all the reasons you want to lose weight and then read your cards a couple of times a day (there are other things to put on index cards later, too). I never did that exactly as ordered. I made myself a trio of keywords that I could easily remember and then thought about them occasionally... But I am so happy with this cognitive therapy stuff that I am going to go back and do it exactly as Beck recommends.

My keywords, by the way, were Sleep, Mirror and Christmas. "Sleep" because I hate that I have to wear a machine to bed so I don't stop breathing while I'm asleep. I want to beat sleep apnoea. This keyword concept expands to health in general - improving my insulin resistance so I'm not pre-diabetic anymore, being able to be more active without being tired, taking pressure off my joints. "Mirror" refers to how I feel about my appearance, when I look in the mirror, when I try on new clothes, when I catch a glimpse of myself in a shop window. And "Christmas" is about how I think others see me and maybe judge me. I see my mother's side of the family only for things like weddings, and every second Christmas. They are all slender and fit. I have three aunts in their 60s who are upright and trim and could beat me in any sporting contest you'd care to name. Every time this second Christmas approaches I plan to lose weight so I won't be the only fat one there anymore, and every time I fail and just get fatter. I care about lots of other people's opinions of me (my husband, for instance!) but that keyword "Christmas" reminds me how awkward and inadequate I feel at that time of year. The three keywords are in order of importance to me and could be relabelled something like Health, Self-Esteem and Appearance.

Stuck to the plan today and I have plenty of calories left for my yoghurt and fruit supper.

Day 21: Back on track again

Wednesday, later:

Today went really well, diet-wise. I stuck to my plan. I was a bit hungry mid-morning and I didn't feel like my scheduled fruit, I wanted something more substantial. But I told myself fruit would be enough and then I would have a delicious hot lunch (leftover beef casserole) only an hour and a half later - and I was right. An apple was fine. And lunch was awesome.

I still haven't done any formal exercise, but with Thor suddenly getting more active and wakeful I've been playing with him in the back yard. It's getting really cold outside as we head deeper into winter, so I have to move around to keep warm! I jog laps with him or kick a ball around for him to chase and growl at.

I had good sleeps the last two nights with Thor only waking once near dawn, and having the CPAP on for around six hours, but I've still fallen asleep in the afternoon in my armchair the past two days. I guess I still have a lot of catching up to do. I look forward to feeling full rested, one day.

I've ordered the follow-up to the Beck diet book I've been using so hopefully that will give me another wave of interest and energy to keep going.

21 days completed.

Games night

Wednesday:

I didn't do quite so well yesterday. Firstly, the puppy totally defied my attempt to pin down his routine. He decided to completely change it up. Instead of spending all morning and a fair bit of the afternoon napping, he only slept for an hour then was up and active until after lunch, and only had a couple of short naps later. He was really busy all day and wanted to play with me or at least follow me around the house. I guess he is growing and changing rapidly at this age. But I didn't get much done.

Then for some reason I got really hungry in the afternoon and ate quite a few extra calories. And then some more. And then we had our weekly games night and I'd decided to eat very little - maybe one square of chocolate - because I'd already had treats several days in a row. Instead I ate about 400 calories worth of stuff. There were Doritos. Damn you Doritos. I ended up quite a bit over my calorie limit for the day. It was the first day I really felt I'd done quite badly.

But what were the positives? Firstly my extra afternoon snacks were not just random junk. I didn't grab sugar. I went for filling healthy protein - a little tin of tuna in water and then some cashews. And then in the evening I ate too much but I did stop way short of past binges. I stopped eating when there were still plenty of Doritos in the bag. I limited myself. It could have been much worse. And I never at any point gave up on my diet or decided to just start again tomorrow or next week or next year.

But still, that makes four days in a row when I have had treat foods when I had only planned for one. Time to rein this in.

I don't expect to lose weight this week. My official weigh-in is tomorrow but as of this morning I am slightly above last week's weight. That is sad, but I have to keep pushing forward.  It reinforces that I have to stick to my plan pretty closely or I won't lose weight. I won't be surrounded by temptations again for a while, so that helps.

Dungeons and Dragons games night might be ending very soon. Two of the six people in our group are moving to another state next week and can only come one more time. Four people is enough to play, but one of them will be home with a new baby in a couple of months. We've been playing for about eight years now, a long time, with this core group of four and lots of others who have come for a year or two then left (the women don't usually last very long!). I am quite bored with it and wouldn't attend if it wasn't at my house, and all the junk food is hard (we occasionally try to clean that up but it doesn't last long) but it is nice to have a social evening every week. So I don't know if we'll be looking for new people or taking a hiatus.

I have had two pretty good night's sleep in a row and I will use that energy to do better today.

Queen's birthday

Monday:

Today was Queen's Birthday public holiday. Some of our guests were still here so we had a more elaborate breakfast and lunch than I would normally make but I didn't overeat. I didn't have any of the chocolate I offered them, I had an apple for my snack. And tonight I only ate until I was full even though there was more yummy food available and I did briefly consider it.

One reason I was so careful was that I was saving up calories for a treat. Tonight for supper I am going to have that leftover chocolate mousse! I have been looking forward to it all day and it has actually helped keep me from straying. I didn't want to have to tell myself I couldn't have it because I had no calories left.

So I am doing excellently well sticking to my food plan, and I give myself lots of credit for that. Now I need to work on my exercise. I plan to spend the mornings working, Thor is happy to sleep on his daybed next to the computer and sleeps for about three hours with only a short wakeful period when he needs to be taken out, so I have plenty of time to get some writing done. Then after lunch I will try using the Xbox to dance. I'm not sure how my little puppy will react to that! I don't want to trip over him. He'll get used to it if I do it regularly.

Temptations

Sunday:

Today was much harder, diet-wise, but all the more reason to be proud of myself.

Thor has been very excited by all the visitors so maybe that is why his sleep was a bit more disrupted last night. He woke just as I was going to bed so I had to stay up for a while, then was up at 3 and 6 and finally up for the day at 7:30. So my sleep was rather disrupted, and I only wore the CPAP for my first sleep of around 11:30 to 3 so some of my sleep was of poor quality.

I made a fairly high-calorie breakfast but had no morning tea and a light lunch (soup) so I expected it to balance out - but the French toast breakfast was a bit more calorific that I had thought! The light lunch was satisfying at the time but then I got hungry. I had to pop out to the shops because I had more people staying for dinner than I expected, and all the snack food looked so tempting. I badly wanted to get an armful of junk food to enjoy with everyone while we played games and chatted in the evening. But somehow I managed to resist.

I came home and had my planned cheese and crackers (four pieces) from the cheese platter I offered but could easily have eaten a lot more. And then everyone went out to the park to play boule while I stayed with the very overtired Thor and after a while started to get dinner ready. So I was home alone, still a bit hungry, and with the knowledge that there was a platter of cheese, dried fruit and nuts on the table and, worse, a chocolate mousse left from last night in the fridge. Oh, that chocolate mousse was calling me! And only 280 calories, not so bad, right? Even though I was already a bit short of calories left for the day. I honestly don't know how I resisted it.

I made a lovely dinner and yes I might have picked at bits of pork crackling as I was carving it up. And then I had the dessert everyone else was having, icecream and berries, instead of the healthier version of yoghurt and berries I had planned. But no one is perfect, right? And I didn't even eat it all, mainly because my father-in-law started talking politics and he gets very loud and excited and I hate it and left the table as soon as I could (and I'm not the only one!).

After the kids were in bed we played more games and everyone else scoffed down some supper and had liqueur. I didn't have anything. I watched other people, a couple of them quite overweight, eating, and had no impulse whatsoever to emulate them. I actually went quite judgemental (hopefully only inside my own head): how can they eat so much! Don't they know it's unhealthy and fattening?! Like I haven't done exactly the same thing many times.

So overall I had a few more calories than usual, I got up to 1650, but I resisted so many things! Sometimes it was easy, like supper, sometimes very very hard. I consider the day a huge win in terms of mostly sticking to my diet under sometimes adverse circumstances.

Mint chocolate mousse

Saturday:

Another successful day. Despite a worse night with Thor and then having visitors here - and having a planned dessert of mint chocolate mousse which turned out really well; light cream cheese, dark chocolate, bruised real mint, egg whites and a tiny bit of sugar, around 280 calories plus a smidge of whipped cream on top - I stayed just under my 1400 calories for the day! Go me.

Can't remember what number day I'm up to ... 17? Awesome.

A very wet bed

Friday:

Another good night! This time Thor slept from 11:00pm to 5:45am. I've got up that early to go to the gym before (ok, for two weeks four years ago). If he keeps sleeping a bit later each day like this it will soon be our getting up time anyway. And I slept deeply, with the CPAP on, until then.

The night didn't look like it was starting off great. I went to put the CPAP on as I was getting into bed and although it seemed to be working I wasn't getting any air at all. Turned it off and on, opened the lid - definitely air coming out there. But nothing through the nose pipe. Felt all along it, couldn't find a leak. I unhooked the pipe to look at it more closely and water went all over the bed and me! What I think happened was one of the kids, or maybe the friend they had over that afternoon and played hide and seek with all over the house, picked up the machine and tipped the water from the humidifier down the tubing. Not on purpose, of course, just looking at it. I had noticed it wasn't how I usually leave it but thought nothing of it. And of course with the low point of the tubing full of water, air couldn't get past. So it was late, I was tired, and I didn't really appreciate having to change the sheets and try to towel-dry the mattress, and change my freshly washed pyjamas too. Ended up getting to bed around 11:40, very late for me. But after that it was a good night.

I had an awesome moment after I crawled back into bed at 6:30 this morning. After I warmed up, I became aware that I was 100% comfortable. I was sleepy but not exhausted, warm and cosy, and my body felt like it was floating. I made sure I enjoyed the feeling.

Mum and I don't talk that often on the phone but we email quite a lot these days. But right now I don't really have anything to talk about except Thor! And mum doesn't like animals and is only interested in the sense of wanting to know how my life is going. So I ask her how she is, but don't really have a lot to say about myself. I've barely left the house and yard for a week.

I sent the kids to school by themselves this morning, that is news. Jasmine walked by herself one day when Aiden was sick, but I worry about the road they have to cross. Lately I've noticed that all the other kids Jasmine's age (ten) or a bit younger are walking by themselves or taking younger siblings. Not that I have to do something just because other parents do! But it was an influence. And carrying Thor back and forth has been a pain. I'm not allowed to let him walk yet outside our yard but he really really wants to so he struggles in my arms. I suppose I could have left him at home. But ten is old enough to walk and to look after her brother for two blocks. (I was roaming around a lot younger than that as a child, but I don't base my parenting on that. A lot of bad stuff happened in my family including my ten year old brother getting hit and killed by a train. And my other brother ending up in hospital a few times with horrible permanent scars. And once we accidentally set the reserve (bushland) on fire. I am a cautious parent because I KNOW bad things happen.) But I finally let them go without me. I was watching at the window from 3:00 waiting for them to get home safely, which they did. When Thor is allowed down on a lead we'll make the school trip part of our morning walk, but they will probably always be walking home alone (together) from now on.

Food was a bit trickier today. I went out at lunchtime because that is when Thor's nap coincided with the library being open, then when I got home the lovely chicken soup I was making wasn't ready like I thought it was when I turned it off when I left the house. But it was past my usual lunchtime and I was hungry. So I had some leftover roast chicken, then later the soup as well. So I had two lunches. However I have finished dinner with a handful of calories to spare. No supper tonight, but I've got through the day within my budget even if it didn't quite go to plan.

Weigh day

Thursday:

Starting weight: 85.3 kg
Last week: 83.9 kg
This week: 83.1 kg
Loss this week: 0.8 kg
Total loss: 2.2 kg

I am happy with a loss of 0.8 kg this week, 0.5 - 1.0 per week is supposed to be healthy and sustainable.

Thor slept from when we put him to bed around 11:00 (he has naps all day, but on someone's lap or in his little day bed next to the computer, but at night he has a crate in the bathroom) until 5:00 am! Getting better and better. And I had my CPAP on that whole time. The humidifier lid did pop open early on but I just shut it again. Not sure if there is a fault or if I'm not latching it properly. Anyway, it was a great stretch of sleep. Then another hour and a half or so after that. I must have been woken at a bad time during my sleep cycle the second time, I was very groggy and it was hard to get myself out of bed. But since that passed I've felt much better today.

When I took Thor outside after lunch I even jogged a couple of laps of the backyard with him instead of mainly watching him sniff around. He had his first bath this afternoon, it's the first halfway sunny day we've had. Not too traumatic, and I didn't get all that wet.

Today's task in the Beck book is to think about how to respond to food pushers and prepare for it. I don't think I have a problem with this one. I've been a fussy eater all my life so I've had a lot of practice saying "no thanks." Or sometimes I will accept something and have a taste but if I don't like it I just leave it and don't feel too guilty. I never feel like I need to finish everything on my plate. And I don't currently have anyone in my life who tries to push food on me.

I do think that Dr Beck underestimates the hurt a food pusher can feel if their food is rejected. Some people, particularly women of an older generation who might not have worked outside the home, can base a lot of their self esteem on other people appreciating their cooking. I am not so extreme, but I do feel proud when people like my food and disappointed if they don't eat something I've taken a lot of trouble to make. Having said that, I don't think people should give in to food pushers! The dieter's long-term health and happiness is more important than a few moments of disappointment.

We have a long weekend coming up here (Queen's Birthday) and we have people staying here all weekend (two different groups on different nights). I've been thinking about how this will affect my food plan. I've decided that mostly I will stick to what I would eat anyway. I will buy some biscuits for snacks but only kinds I don't like much so I'm not even tempted, and also offer healthier options like fruit and cheese. On one night I will have yogurt and fruit for dessert while I offer everyone else ice cream and fruit (of yoghurt if they want it, of course) and the other night, my only extra treat, I will make small individual chocolate mousses for dessert. I worked it out to be around 280 calories each if I used the recipe that is supposed to make 4 to make 6 smaller ones. Apart from that I will be making and eating the kind of food I have been for the past couple of weeks.

Day 15 successfully accomplished!

Does that count as a win?

Wednesday:

Is this a fail or a win? Last night I had 200 calories to spend on treat foods. I started with a couple of wholegrain crackers with cheese, which I didn't count as a treat but it put something in my stomach. I chose some chocolate and some chips and counted them out onto a plate. So that was good. Then I randomly grabbed a pear cider which would totally take me over my treat limit. I ignored the "good me" voice warning me against it and told myself it was ok. That is the fail bit. I fully intended to eat/drink more calories than I had planned for.

I ate half the chocolate and some of the chips and had a few sips of the cider. And didn't want any more. It wasn't any effort of will power, I just didn't want to have any more. So I didn't. Is that a win? I'll call it a win. I could easily, in the past, have just eaten the rest even though I didn't want it; I did that all the time. But this time I pushed it away.

I always say I'm not addicted to sugar, I don't even like sweet things much except as a little taste. But these past two weeks I've been mainly sticking to real food and therefore unintentionally having less sugar - just a bit in my tea and the occasional piece of chocolate. And my food cravings - which are generally for non-sweet things - have been almost non-existent. I'm not sure if it is related to reduced sugar/fake food or if it's just that I am still in the "honeymoon" period of a new diet. I have rarely made it to the two week point before though.

I've been in a few situations that are typically tempting for me; games night, shopping when hungry, my own cooking, but I really haven't been all that tempted most of the time. Food doesn't seem as important as usual. I have houseguests this weekend so I have to negotiate that. Do I offer any unhealthy dessert/snacks? Or only what will fit into my food plan?

Another good night with Thor only getting us out of bed once. The arrangement is that Tim takes him outside in the cold dark (maybe rain) for a toilet stop then I stay up with him inside for the 20-30 minutes he needs to get sleepy again, and put him back to bed. Alternating would mean one person could stay in bed, but I am scared of the dark and Tim needs his sleep to work the next day so this way works best for both of us. And once a night isn't too bad. Four times a night was horrible.

Unfortunately I'm having a lot of trouble with my CPAP. Since getting the flu a month ago, I think I've got through a whole night with it a total of three times. At first it was just the frequent coughing that would make me give up, but now I am having some technical issues. Twice there was a loud air escape from the machine which I couldn't investigate in the dark (turned out it was just the lid to the humidifier popping open under pressure, I mustn't have shut it properly), and for the last couple of nights air has started escaping around my nostrils after I've been wearing it for a while (maybe when it gets up to full pressure). But why now? Have my nostrils changed size or shape? I didn't have this problem before. The CPAP isn't a whole mask, just little plastic marshmallows sitting inside my nostrils. I wriggle it around but can't stop the air leak. It is noisy (comparatively, in the dead of night) and unpleasant if it is blowing into my eye. Always right nostril, I think. If it keeps happening I'll have to investigate other masks, but it is weird because this exact one was working perfectly for me before.

[edit: when washing it this evening I found the inner part was inside out which would hopefully explain the escaping air - hopefully will be better tonight]

Still on track with my food but not exercising at all except for walking the kids to and from school, carrying a puppy. I can't let him down because he is not fully immunised yet. He really wants to walk, but I can't let him. Too many other dogs around. Sigh. He is cute and cuddly and takes up soooo much of my time. It's been 14 years since I had a dog, I guess I forgot.

Day 13: Treat day

Tuesday:

A much better night that I had dared to hope for! Thor woke at 1:30 and was only up for a very short time, then slept through until nearly 7:00am! Totally awesome! I woke a couple of times in the night, amazed that he was still quiet, then happily went back to sleep. So that was an awesome treat!

So I am feeling a million times better today. Not nauseous with sleep deprivation anymore. Still not particularly hungry though. Part of that is constant distractions. I had a very small lunch and was looking through the cupboards for something else (not recommended practice) but then Thor woke and I took him outside for a while. By then I wasn't hungry anymore and decided to wait until afternoon tea.

I've finished dinner having only had around 800 calories again today. It is games night so I am going to allow myself 200 calories of treat food again, plus maybe a bit of fruit or something.

So tired

Monday:

Thor got us up four times last night. He is getting used to his bed and being alone, and not resisting much when being put to bed, but he still wakes frequently and needs to be taken out - into the cold rain. Having no luck with the inside tray. He waits until I let him out of it then goes and pees on the carpet. Any tips? I'm reminding myself this is a relatively short phase, I've just got to get through it.

Nausea from overtiredness making food very unappetising. And I'm either constantly watching the puppy to try to forestall accidents, or am carrying him or have him on my lap, so preparing food for myself is tricky. I've just finished dinner and I've only had 820 calories today. I was interrupted by needing to go and clean up an accident, I wasn't feeling very hungry anyway and just couldn't eat any more after that.

Who decided getting a dog was a good idea?

But look at this face...

So mostly I had a pleasant but very unproductive day, hanging around with the new puppy. Waves of tiredness made me pretty miserable at times, and I got a bit frustrated with the toilet training. But I know it's only day three! I was just already on the edge of being exhausted, with my sleep apnoea issues, and now I am way over the edge and in free fall. I'm hoping for at least a slightly better night. At least it isn't raining.

Like having a baby in the house

Sunday:

Day eleven, I think. Hard to be sure with the sleep deprivation. Thor was up from 12:45 - 2:00, then 4:00 - 4:30, then 6:00 onwards. Tim and I shared being up then handed over to the kids at 7:30 and tried to sleep in a bit. Hopefully it won't be like this too many nights. Our puppy is unused to sleeping alone, he had brothers and sisters before. He spent most of this "awake" time actually sleeping on someone's lap, he just didn't want to be put back to bed alone. I watched some TV, but there is nothing on at 4:00am!

Today was spent playing with Thor and relaxing. We're getting to know each other. Unfortunately it was raining most of the day, which made taking him out for toilet trips unpleasant for everyone involved. It was the first day of winter here. Night time trips outside not looking fun. It doesn't snow here but gets well below freezing at night.

Jasmine loves cuddling him and letting him sleep on her lap. Aiden is more active, running around with him and rolling balls.

Still sticking to the food plan. Was super tired today but ate less instead of more. Even with the roast tonight, one of my favourite meals, I left quite a lot on my plate. Too much effort to eat!