Saturday:
I am giving myself so much credit for today, even though I was far from perfect.
Had a horrible night, up three times with Thor and ended up just before dawn with a puppy who wouldn't sleep except on my lap, I was unable to stop crying from exhaustion. I spent the morning cranky, miserable and nauseated, frequently in tears or close to them. I forced myself to eat my usual breakfast at around 10am although I didn't feel like eating. The kids had their swimming lesson while I stayed home with Thor and a broken internet access, then at lunchtime I didn't feel up to cooking my planned food so we had 2 minute noodles. Not a great choice, I know, just empty carbohydrate and salt, but it was that or send my husband out for fast food. And while deep-fried chicken and chips or pizza probably would have had more nutritional value, it also would have had a billion calories. I can't say for sure I made the right choice, but I am calling it a win. I resisted what I considered the worse (and more tempting) option.
Then I did the grocery shopping and bought lots of healthy food. I got some biscuits for family and visitors, but after a brief struggle I bought ones I hate so I wouldn't be tempted. What I did have was a mini bar of chocolate. I had scheduled in a couple of squares to have after dinner today so I just moved that up.
I could easily have said today "I am tired so I NEED junk food," or "I am unhappy so I DESERVE junk food." And then I would have been even more unhappy later. I don't need or deserve what is literally junk.
Tim and the kids made raspberry banana muffins in the afternoon, I didn't have any. Tim offered to make dinner, delicious risotto. My day was very high carb low protein but I was so glad I didn't have to cook. And I finished the day only a few calories over.
I think I negotiated the rapids pretty well, with only a few minor bruises. So many times in the past I went straight to large amounts of unhealthy food to get through a hard day. It's nice to end hard day without an added burden of guilt and shame.
Tonight we are changing our system with Thor, to what you might call controlled crying. It could be worse for a couple of nights, but hopefully better after that. Can't go on like this. Wish me luck.
Natalie, beautiful post. Powerful, really. Having a day like you had--and embracing yourself and your resolve, navigating your choices as best you could--and making it through beautifully...wow, excellence my friend, excellence!! There's days like this and it's good, because it empowers us--makes our resolve stronger--showing us what we're capable of... And you, Natalie, have touched on something that is most powerful of all--The fact that you didn't sabotage yourself with negative emotions and abuse when you felt as if your choices weren't the best...You exhibited compassion for yourself--and you realized, sometimes the best choices are the ones that make sense in the moment. I applaud your efforts, 150%. You're inspiring to me. Thank you. What a great guy you have there--offering to cook!! You negotiated the rapids with great skill, young lady. Amazing. Great idea to analyze and change your strategy with Thor! I hope you find some relief soon! I bet you do! Oh--by the way, I love the differences in language found around the world...your "biscuits" are "cookies" to us in the USA. Fascinates me, brings me joy... I may refer to them as biscuits too, if only to feel more cultured! LOL
ReplyDeleteI often find myself want to translate Australian into American for some of my readers! The differences are fascinating. Actually I'm still not sure what biscuits are in the US, they are often teamed with gravy which doesn't make sense to me at all.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for the kind words. Sometimes I worry that I shouldn't be justifying bad choices, but honestly it was the best I could do at the time.