Struggles and a gain

Friday:

Official weigh in today.
Last week: 80.7 kg
This week: 81.4 kg

That's right, a GAIN of 0.7 kg (1.5 pounds). My weight went up after my indulgent Saturday last week, and it just never went down again. I weighed myself every couple of days hoping that sticking to my diet would get the weight back off again, but no. It barely fluctuated all week, just stayed up. I didn't expect a big loss like the first week's water weight loss, but I wanted to lose something! A gain? Are you serious?

It is so utterly discouraging. I have never successfully lost weight. True, before my wedding I went on an extremely restrictive and punishing diet (chosen and paid for by my mother) and lost 5 kg (11 pounds) in six weeks, and was miserable every day I was on it. Aside from that, I've never even lost as much as 5 kg. Some of that is failing to stick to diets, but not all. I always lose some water weight in the first week and get all hopeful, but that is about it.

I've tried Weight Watchers and low-carb and no sugar/wheat/soy/dairy/alcohol, and high protein and nutritionist-led and intense exercise.

A blogger I read was recently told that dieting was "easy" for him, which is nonsense. And yet, I guess as someone who can't seem to lose weight at all, it can seem easier for some people. They work hard, they lose some weight. I work hard, I don't.

I was really depressed yesterday. Maybe from knowing I'd gained back half of last week's weight loss and couldn't seem to lose it again, maybe from it being second day of low-carb (low-carb makes me depressed, which is why I am trying carb cycling), maybe a bit lonely without my puppy, who knows. But it wasn't "a bit sad", it was the edge of actual depression. I know what that feels like. I had post-natal depression after my first child, and there is no way I will willingly go back in that black place. In the evening I had some carbs and did think I felt better, I went to bed quite happy and slept well. But I'm miserable again this morning despite carbs with breakfast. So it might not be that at all. I have no idea.

I don't know what to do. I didn't stick to my diet plan for breakfast. I have a busy weekend coming up that I have to get through. Saturday being my treat day makes that easier, except that last week my treat day ruined the whole week's work. Do I keep trying carb cycling? Do I switch to alternating high/low days in case that suits me better than having two low-carb days in a row? Do I give up and eat whatever I want until next time I'm ready to start again? Do I crawl back into bed and stay there with the blankets pulled over my head?