Suffocating

Friday:

Yesterday I didn't exercise and I ate some chocolate marshmallow biscuits. "Some" being a number between one and ten. Steps under 3000. I was just so tired. At least I got immersed in writing and added quite a bit to my word count. But otherwise the day was a write-off.

I told myself to stop being an idiot and just use my CPAP already. Yes, I hate it. But how long do I have to be non-functional from sleep deprivation before I'll give in? Well, it seems I got to that point. We've had a cool change so I can't even blame my resistance on the heat. Sleep apnoea isn't my only sleeping issue, but it's one I have a specific tool to deal with.

So last night I made sure the machine was all clean and ready, and put the nose pillows on (only covers my nose, but I have to keep my mouth closed or the air goes in my nose and straight out my mouth which feels weird and unpleasant) as I got into bed. And felt like I wasn't getting enough air. I've felt like this before, especially when I first put it on and pressure is still building up, and particularly if I am still breathing a little more heavily because I've been moving around. I pulled the mask off and waited until my breathing settled down, then tried again. And got that horrible feeling of suffocating. Drowning. Heart rate rising in panic. Need air.

I checked that the mask had air flow, I checked the tubes weren't tangled, I waited until I was relaxed again, I tried five or six times, in different body positions. Same every time. So I gave up. And I was exhausted again this morning.

I am not claustrophobic at all and I don't have problems with something covering part of my face (except when it is hot and sweaty), but I have had this issue before in a milder form that I got past. The sleep doctor adjusted the settings so that the air pressure would ramp up quicker (it starts slow because some people don't like the feeling of air blowing up their nose and want to wait until they are asleep before it blows hard - not me) and that helped. I don't know what went wrong this time.

At lunchtime I was just so tired that I decided to go and have a lie down and listen to my relaxation app (and hopefully have a nap) and I decided to give the CPAP another go. And I had no problem with it at all! Breathe in, breathe out, easy. Slept for about 20 mins, unfortunately the daytime meditation wakes me up at the end of the program (I can turn that off but forgot to), and woke feeling much better. 20 minutes can't make up for weeks of bad sleep, but I felt less exhausted and much calmer and happier. I probably stress about not sleeping a lot, so I feel better now I have a bit of confidence that I can get some more restful sleep in coming nights.

Wow, that was a lot on that topic! Moving on. This morning I drove Tim to work (finally back at his normal office, his work at Parliament House finished yesterday) then had breakfast in a café before doing the grocery shopping. The bacon and eggs was lovely (I ate about half of what they served) and for the first time ever I tried the grilled tomato they always put on the plate and it was really nice! Super intense tomato flavour. I wish I had tried it before I got full, as it was I only had a few bites. Next time I'll definitely eat the tomato. Usually I give the tomato to my husband if we are breakfasting together in a café.

After my nap I had a good writing session. Chapter One is coming along nicely.

I was happy this afternoon because I found out that a magazine I accidentally subscribed to - and didn't like at all - was being discontinued and they wanted to know which of their publications I would like instead. So I'll actually get one I enjoy reading instead of that rubbish. (They might have been willing to do that before, but I never got around to contacting them. They made it easy.)

I went for a walk with Aiden while Jasmine was in her ballet class. Around 45 mins.

My steps should be up to 9,000 by the time I go to bed.

Report card:
Diet: Good today.
Exercise: Good.
Water: Poor again. Maybe not pushing myself towards 12 glasses was a bad idea, because I only made 6 again today unless I guzzle some more before bed.
Sleep: Poor, but with hopes for tonight.
Mental Health: Was poor, better this afternoon.