Monday, June 1, 2015

Looking for closure


I had a few things to do this morning so I was out and about until lunchtime, but I was moving very slowly the whole time. No energy at all, I probably looked like I was competing in a "slowest walk" race. Just shuffled around and got everything done eventually.

I'm sleeping poorly despite wearing my CPAP all night. Also eating badly, although I am trying to improve. Too much stress. Maybe when the funeral is over this week it will get better. I have been pretty anxious and depressed all year, for good reason, I keep wondering if I should talk to my doctor but I keep hoping time will help but then something else bad happens! I don't think I could take sleeping tablets anyway, with sleep apnoea (it might relax my throat too much) so it would probably be counselling which I don't want right now. I just need a stretch of a few months without a family member dying. I've been trying to write a eulogy for dad and I'm finding it hard. Still, I think I got it finished. I don't even know who else is speaking, or if anyone is. I think I'm the wrong personality type to have handed over control of the funeral. I should have just arranged everything myself by phone. But if I'd done that I would now be moaning about how difficult and stressful that was. You just can win in a sad situation like this.

I'm trying to find some enjoyment each day - and trying not to make it food! I can't think of anything for today. I didn't get out for a walk. And damn, I just realised I missed Game of Thrones this morning. Oh well, I can watch it when we get back. At least I can feel the satisfaction that I got some important things done today.

... talked to my aunt this evening so I know who is speaking now and have told her the subjects I am going to cover. They seem to have everything organised. Maybe I can just relax about that extraneous stuff and take the time to say goodbye to dad. We are off on our road trip to the funeral tomorrow. I hope everyone (including me) can get some closure.


  1. Natalie maybe you are adding stress to deflect from your grief... take time for yourself, walk out even doing the "slowest walk" race. The goal is for you to live your lost and meditating.

    My thoughts will be with you and your family this week. Take care of yourself.

  2. Richard's right - take a few minutes to do something non-food for yourself each day: short walk, meditate, listen to music. Grief uses up every single emotion we have to spare. Hugs!