Looking for closure

Monday:

I had a few things to do this morning so I was out and about until lunchtime, but I was moving very slowly the whole time. No energy at all, I probably looked like I was competing in a "slowest walk" race. Just shuffled around and got everything done eventually.

I'm sleeping poorly despite wearing my CPAP all night. Also eating badly, although I am trying to improve. Too much stress. Maybe when the funeral is over this week it will get better. I have been pretty anxious and depressed all year, for good reason, I keep wondering if I should talk to my doctor but I keep hoping time will help but then something else bad happens! I don't think I could take sleeping tablets anyway, with sleep apnoea (it might relax my throat too much) so it would probably be counselling which I don't want right now. I just need a stretch of a few months without a family member dying. I've been trying to write a eulogy for dad and I'm finding it hard. Still, I think I got it finished. I don't even know who else is speaking, or if anyone is. I think I'm the wrong personality type to have handed over control of the funeral. I should have just arranged everything myself by phone. But if I'd done that I would now be moaning about how difficult and stressful that was. You just can win in a sad situation like this.

I'm trying to find some enjoyment each day - and trying not to make it food! I can't think of anything for today. I didn't get out for a walk. And damn, I just realised I missed Game of Thrones this morning. Oh well, I can watch it when we get back. At least I can feel the satisfaction that I got some important things done today.

... talked to my aunt this evening so I know who is speaking now and have told her the subjects I am going to cover. They seem to have everything organised. Maybe I can just relax about that extraneous stuff and take the time to say goodbye to dad. We are off on our road trip to the funeral tomorrow. I hope everyone (including me) can get some closure.