Tuesday:
I've been trialling 1600 calories this week because I was having trouble sticking to 1400 all of a sudden. I've found 1600 very comfortable. But after five days my weight is not only above the last weigh in, but above the week before that! And there is no way it is going to go down again after birthday cake and restaurant dinner tomorrow. I think Thai food is pretty healthy, but it's still going to be more indulgent than eating at home. And salty, too, no doubt. I am dreading, a bit, my weigh in on Thursday.
I am still having this huge internal battle about how much to eat tomorrow. Especially with my weight going up already, I feel like I might as well take the day off dieting. But then I don't want a really horrible number on the scale on Thursday! What if I undo all my weeks of hard work? To be honest, I can't wait for my birthday to be over. I am too conflicted about it, I want to just get back to normal. Usually I love celebrations, and not just because of the food!, but while I'm working so hard to lose weight it is a big distraction.
It's a bit disheartening that increasing my calories a bit has made me quickly gain some weight back. (the Beck Diet says I should be eating even more, 1800, and still losing weight on that!) Obviously I need to go back to 1400. So it was a bit harder. Getting healthy is worth it. My calorie tracker gives me extra calories to spend if I exercise and I am going to use that. Only if I exercise, I'm allowed a few more if I'm genuinely hungry (not just feeling like I deserve food as a reward for exercise).
I'm hoping exercise will help me sleep better too. I have been really exhausted these past few days. If I exercise doesn't help I will get my CPAP checked to make sure it's still preventing sleep apnoea. I certainly don't feel rested. I am tired and snappy and doze off every day in front of the TV.
later:
Tonight instead of having my allotted 200 calories at games night, I had about 900. I need more of a strategy for this, I am so inconsistent. Well, all the food I ate was things I provided, so there is an obvious step to take there. And I was already in "birthday mode". Feel all yuck, as I always do when I overeat.
Good night all, and sweet dreams.
You're getting to know yourself very well, Natalie. I encourage you to keep your head up and practice a confident patience as you proceed. This journey doesn't need to be perfect in order to be successful. Be kind to you. If you feel going back to a lower count is important, by all means--do that. As far as the anxiety and indecision about how to handle the birthday celebration...Please allow me to offer: Enjoy yourself and try to shift the focus and perspective away from food and onto the people around you, the wonderful day that's yours--and how blessed you are to be here... It sounds a little crazy, but shifting the focus even a tiny bit can make a dramatic difference. It's hardly ever the food we remember and appreciate after a special day like this--it's the connections and fellowship with those whom we care about most. I wish you well, Natalie. However it goes, remember--it doesn't define you and it doesn't diminish your efforts. You're moving forward in a wonderful way and what's ahead for you is something to get powerfully excited about. Happy Birthday!!
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