Stumbling

Friday:

Still struggling today. I think Tim being away really gets to me. But he is coming home tonight!

I've already changed my diet so much -- I eat far more vegetables, much less take-away and biscuits and other junk, cook healthier meals -- but it seems like that is not enough for the universe and it's just not fair! Waah waah waah. Do I have to give up every single thing I like? Measure out tiny portions forever?

There used to be at least a theoretical option that I could just learn to love myself the way I am; I don't agree with the fat acceptance movement but I am only moderately overweight (in my own eyes, anyway) and maybe I don't need to fit into clothes designed for pre-pubescent girls. But now, with the prediabetes, that is no longer an option. It is no longer about vanity and maybe getting a bit more energy, with ill-health way off in the distance. Diabetes looms above me, ready to give me a heart attack or take my eyesight.

So.

What I do now seems to be about right to keep me at this weight. To lose 20 kg, I need to do more. I've tried both various diets and increasing exercise several times over the past two years, and keep failing. Doesn't matter, gotta keep trying anyway.

At present, trying to restrict my calories further just puts me into a deprived panic and binge mode. So I'll go with exercise.

Last night I decided that if I stop working I can exercise three or four hours a day. Unfortunately I can't just "stop working". My income is pretty negligible compared to my husband's so that isn't really the issue, but I have a current client who has more work lined up for me and another client who will get back to me with a revised manuscript soon. Even if I take no more work, saying I'm booked up for the rest of the year, I still have at least two months work over the next four months, and I can't totally predict when I will get it. That's the life of a freelancer! I have made these committments and I am not prepared to go back on that. But I think I will not take on any new work for a while.

What do I do in the meantime? I can try doing 1 hr gym class each day plus walking kids to school plus 30 mins gym three afternoons a week while the kids are at Gecko. That is what I should be doing already. But that leaves me so little working time; once I allow for lunch & stuff it gives me about two hours a day. Maybe I can make that work if I am more efficient with my time, but I have already wasted so much time with this current job that I am behind and need to devote a lot more time to it. Instead of rambling on on this blog, for a start!

The other option is getting up at 5.45 every morning to do a 6.15 am class at the gym instead of going to the 9.30 class. OMG that is so early. I get up at 7.30 at the moment, and still struggle to drag myself out of bed. I did it for two weeks just before my 40th birthday, not since then.

I can't go to the gym in the evening, Tim gets home too late.

I don't know what to do. I feel defeated before I begin. I hoped writing this all out would help me work things out, but I just keep finding reasons why it's all too hard.