Looking ahead

Friday:

With my weight continuing to go in a downwards direction, I'm starting to wonder where this will lead. I needed to lose at least 25 kgs (more than 50 lbs) from my starting point. I can easily imagine losing around 10 kgs, because that is how I see myself anyway. Overweight, but not as big as the woman I see in photos and mirrors. I'm still shocked every time I see the truth.

I wasn't always overweight. I always describe photos of myself as a child as looking like an "abandoned waif" - slender with big worried eyes - and it was only yesterday that I realised that "abandoned" was quite likely how I was feeling at that time. All in one year my eldest brother died in an accident, and my other brother's long hospitalisation with burns meant I didn't get much attention for a while, and then my parents divorced. Of course they tried their best but it was a traumatic time for everyone. I probably felt very lost. Anyway, I wasn't overweight then.

I was a bit curvy from puberty, but didn't really put on weight until I was about 25. Then two things saw me pile on the kilos. Firstly I was in a job I hated, so that I was eating a lot of junk (and drinking cola) to get through the stressful days. Then straight after I got away from that I went on medication that I'm sure made me put on 10 kg in a year. Up to just before my marriage, I don't think I'd ever been on a diet, but my mother encouraged me to do the SureSlim program and even paid for it so I'd look good on my wedding day. I lost 5 kg, but was miserable every second and was unpleasant to live with.

Fourteen years and two children after that, the weight has continued to creep up despite endless attempts to lose weight. I have never ever lost more than 5 kg at a time (and that only twice, the other time was with Weight Watchers), and always put it back on straight away. Well I'm approaching that point now, not quite yet but soon. I still feel I'm going strong with this attempt, eating Mediterranean is filling and relatively easy even though I'm on restricted calories. What if I really do it this time? What if I lose 10 kg and really look like I look in my imagination, then keep going down? What then? May sound silly, but it's an almost scary thought.

I went for a walk this morning, I only had time for 20 minutes. So ironic that when I didn't need to get up, I was waking ridiculously early, now that I have to be back at a certain time I am sleeping in! Well sleep is very important to me, I'm sleeping until 7 while I can. I could always exercise later, but it is summer here and it's hot and muggy already early, I'd prefer to go out then while it's at least bearable.

Some cute mushrooms:

Cauliflower soup and tea for breakfast. I was going to have yoghurt but I only made it overnight and it wasn't quite set yet.

Cashew and celery stir fry for lunch, with leek and snow peas:

It was hot and sunny when I did the grocery shopping in the morning, but after lunch a storm rolled in. Rain poured down and there were immense crashes of thunder directly overhead. Lots of storm damage in other areas of Sydney.

Then it all cleared up and was sunny again. I had a lovely afternoon. I watched US Biggest Loser - I have no idea which year it is from, whether old or recent, but Bob has a hilarious mustache that makes him look like he should be on Miami Vice.

Then I did my guitar practice until my fingers were too sore to continue. I love this picture of the two guitars. So cute.

Dinner was supposed to be snapper and roast vegetables. I was pretty sure I'd had snapper before and that it was one of the "ok" fish - I'm not a big fan of seafood but I'm trying to eat it around once a week for the health benefits. I baked it in the oven with some lemon zest and spices and it was just horrible - partly because it had a real "fishy" smell but mainly because I'd overcooked it. Way overcooked. It was dry and rubbery. I don't have a lot of experience with cooking fish! I can usually do salmon well enough. Anyway, after I gnawed away for a while I decided I couldn't eat it. Everyone else was having pork chops, but I only bought three so that wasn't an option. So I had a square of cheese, a couple of pieces of potato (that was mainly comfort food for the disappointment of a yucky dinner) and my roast vegetables. Still came to about the right calorie count, but it didn't feel like a proper satisfying meal.

I also burned my arm on the oven. :(

I got my winnings from my Dietbet - I invested $30 and got back $40.61, not a huge profit but I don't do it for the money! I reinvested in another Dietbet starting on Sunday.

Tomorrow is Jasmine's birthday and I intend to eat some of the things, but not all of the things. We are going out for lunch then having a family dinner for 16 at home. Lasagne was Jasmine's choice! I am looking forward to it.