W27 D4 - walking

I just saw some photos of myself on facebook that made me cringe, taken at Christmas a few days ago. But I exercised yesterday, and today, and will tomorrow and every day. I can only walk at the moment, so I will walk. And keep walking.

W26 D5 - It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I have family (mine and my husband's) arriving from tomorrow afternoon and throughout the following day - there will be 5 extra people here tomorrow night and a total of 10 extras at the peak. My mother will leave after lunch on Christmas Day, but others will stay up to 3 days after Christmas.

People are bringing food and drinks, but I am providing the core of all meals and many snacks, so the house is full of food. I don't expect to lose any weight this week!

Not that I have lost any this year. Weight-wise, it has been a year of failures and setbacks. My shoulder is bad, it makes me cry, and the busy season is not letting me rest it.

But apart from my heath, it has been a good year. Next year will be even better.

W25 D6 - bicycle

We bought the kids new bicycles for Christmas this year and decided to get me one as well. I have not ridden a bike since I was a teenager, so I was very nervous. I am also scared of heights - yes, even that low to the ground! The smallest adult bike they had still seemed too big to me, so they built me an "extra small" model and it was ready today. The shop was only a 20 min walk away so to save taking it apart to put in the car I walked up there then pushed/rode it back.

I pushed it most of the way as it was in the middle of shops and traffic. No way I was riding on the road! When we got to the quiet streets near home I rode on the footpath. Very wobbly at first, but once I got going it was great. Even though I was going quite slowly, it is very fast for little effort when compared to walking. After only about 200m I had to cross a street so I stopped. And fell over. I hit quite hard with my knee and both hands on rocks and weeds. Later I saw my knee was bleeding under my jeans. What amazes me, and I am very grateful for it, is that it didn't hurt my sore shoulder much. I would have expected much worse.

I pushed the bike over the street and then (and for this I am so proud of myself) I got back on and rode the rest of the way home except for a steep bit. It was only a couple of blocks but it was my first ride in 20 years. Now the bike is put away for a week, until Christmas. I can see myself really enjoying riding, once I get used to it.

W25 D5 - diagnosis

Yesterday morning I had my shoulder xrayed and ultrasounded and got the results in the afternoon, then saw my doctor today. It turns out I have a big tear in my supraspinatis tendon - the rotator cuff. It wasn't at all what I was expecting (I thought I had frozen shoulder) and at first it really threw me. The thought of a ripped tendon made me really nauseous too. But by the time I woke this morning I was at peace with it. It is good news, I think, in comparison. It needs to be looked after, like a newborn kitten, but it feels like part of me again.

Since there was no trauma to my shoulder and the pain has been gradually increasing over 5 or 6 months, I assume it was originally a little tear that has gradually got worse. My doctor and I are taking the conservative treatment option first: rest and gentle physio, then a cortisone injection if I need it. Only if there is no improvement over a long period will we look at surgery. I am already back on anti-inflammitories which are helping with the pain of the inflammation in the joint.

Of course it severely limits my exercise. Some authorities recommend a sling to immobilise the shoulder so it gets proper rest, but there is a danger of frozen shoulder. Better to just be careful. I can't do anything that uses or jerks the arm. So walking seems the best option at present. Outside or on the treadmill at the gym.

W25 D2 - back to the gym

I found someone to share a two-for-the-price-of-one offer at the gym so I rejoined starting from today. I did 13.15 min on the treadmill (plus cooldown), 1 km, and I plan to try to better my time each day. That included a lot of slow walking at the start, but a 100 meter jog at the end. Then I did 30 mins on the bike, while reading a fitness magazine, 9.2 km. I will probably have to reduce the time on the bike, so I have to beat 6.1 km in 20 mins. With less time on the bike, I will do 2 treadmill sessions. I am not able to use any of the other gym equipment or do aerobic classes at present. Aquarobics may be ok, I will try it.

The reason for my limitations is still my shoulder. I am having an x-ray and ultrasound this week to confirm - or at least to rule out other possibilities - but it looks very much like adhesive capsulitis: frozen shoulder. I had it in my right shoulder 8 years ago after 2 years of RSI, and now it has hit my left. It greatly restricts movement in that arm and is quite painful if it is bumped or if I try to lift too much. Getting comfortable at night is near impossible so my sleep is broken and unrestful. I can no longer do up my own bra, although I can undo it one-handed, and if I am particularly stiff I can't take my shirt off either.

Exercise is vital to reduce the adhesions, staying still makes it freeze up more. But I have to be gentle. I knock it or jerk it accidentally every few days and weep in pain, but my shoulder is actually much freer for 24 hours afterwards because I have ripped the adhesions.

I have been walking many mornings and some evenings lately, moving and swinging my arms helps keep the shoulder limber and less painful, and getting a bit of exercise is a nice side effect. I've missed quite a few days from rain though - we have had almost constant rain for about a month and evacuations nearby from flooding. And summer + rain means humidity and mosquitoes. Even with insect repellant on when I go out, I am now covered in itchy bites. But... must walk as often as I can. I wake so stiff and sore that it is a relief to get up and about.

So, I am back at the gym - gently - plus walking hopefully a couple of times a day. It's a start.

Oh, and I am getting a push-bike for Christmas!

W21 D3 - No progress. Did you really expect any?

Lots of shoulder pain getting worse. Need to see doctor again. Frantically busy with work. No progress.

W20 D3 - discouraged

I really don't like writing here at the moment, I feel it is full of excuses and fails and no progress. But here we go:

I went to Zumba on Friday and it seemed a lot better than the first time I tried it, weeks ago. It was very new then, and Friday's instructor was much more experienced. I am as unfit as I have ever been, with my current weight and no exercise for weeks, so I found it exhausting but enjoyed it.

Sunday, my next scheduled class, was skipped because of PMS. And I slept in.

Then on Monday, I forgot to book Aiden into creche and it was full so I couldn't go even though I was in my gear and everything.

My plan was to exercise Mon/Wed/Fri/Sun, so tomorrow would be next but it is my turn to be the parent helper at Aiden's early pre-school. So I should have walked today. But it was raining. Well, it had rained all night, and looked threatening... But more importantly I started coughing up phlegm this morning and I feel pretty bleurg. I refuse to get sick AGAIN damnit. Too late.

W19 D4 - All better!

Ok, I think I am finally all better! Yay. It only took about 7 weeks...

Just spend the past 5 days on holidays (my husband could only get 3 days off, plus the weekend). Saturday: kids birthday party, drive to Sydney, lovely dinner out, my brother-in-law's engagement party. Sunday: breakfast in a cafe, kids play on the beach (overcast and cool, but lovely), visit father-in-law, lunch with cousins, park with the kids (now sunny), dinner with brother-in-law and his new fiancee. Monday: train into city, Sydney Aquarium, cafe, walk through the rain to our favorite bookshop in the world (Galaxy - it specialises in fantasy and sci-fi), train back to car, drive to my mum's for dinner. Tuesday: car, bus, train, ferry, bus up the hill to Taronga Zoo! Then ferry, train, bus, car back to mum's for dinner. Wednesday: mum plays with the kids while Tim and I start on our stack of new books, then we drive home to Canberra (about 4 hours).

Had a lovely time, but it is great to be home again. And with my own bed! The hotel beds and the futon at mum's were horrible.

Best of all, I have been well for the whole time. Ready to get back into fitness. 7 weeks until Christmas - not long, but I can make a start.

W18 D2 - On and On

I felt a lot better on Sunday and yesterday (Monday) I was cheerful and energetic. Even the sore throat was gone. I went to the gym for the first time in weeks and did a gentle half hour on the bike, did the shopping, then came home and did some editing work and a lot of housework (sadly neglected for the past month) and enjoyed time with my son. Monday is my most challenging diet-wise as I do the grocery shopping, my daughter has a friend over so I provide afternoon tea, and we always have guests for supper and games - lots of temptations there. I had a donut in the morning, 4 little cookies in the afternoon and a chocolate biscuit and a couple of squares of chocolate in the evening. Lots, you say!? You should see my usual Monday!

I weighed myself on Monday morning, 82.9 kg, no real change there.

Then I woke at 3 am this morning with my neck full of throat. Pain pain pain. My ears were throbbing, swallowing was agonising. I took some pain killers. No better throughout the day. Back on pain killers all day. Really depressing that I am not better after so long.

W17 D6 - Nothing new to report

Overall I am mostly better (what is this - week 6 of being sick?) but my sore throat continues. I considered seeing my doctor again but decided against it after doing some reading which suggested that there is nothing she can do. I also had a day of nasty diarrhoea earlier in the week. I guess I am just full of germs. I think I need to start some gentle exercise now, walking seems ok.

W17 D6 - big jeans

My old jeans had dissolved where the thighs rub together, so today I went to buy new ones. Last couple of times (to my horror) I had needed a size 16. This time I didn't even fit into a size 16. (Well, I could squeeze in uncomfortably with a bulging muffin-top.) And Just Jeans didn't stock a size 18. I didn't fit into normal size clothes. Oh My God.

I went to Jeans West, where I had bought my last pair - a men's size 36. I had to get a 38. But at least they had some that fit me.

I feel huge and miserable.

I'm feeling, health-wise, a bit better today; but not yet well enough to exercise. I want to curl up into a sad ball with a family size block of chocolate to comfort me. Like that would help.

W17 D4 - Doctor

Still sick. I think, since my last post a week ago, that I got a bit better then worse again. I saw the doctor yesterday. She was of the opinion that I have had a whole series of different colds and flus in a row, probably passed on by the kids. Aiden is finally well again, hopefully I will be soon too. I am taking painkillers for the sore throat plus zinc & vitamin C.

I also talked to the doctor about my left shoulder which isn't getting better, I am now on anti-inflammitories for that and if it doesn't get better soon I will go for x-ray and ultrasound, and probably start the whole painful physio process. Blah.

With my contraceptive pill and the Vitamin D (I have a deficiency! In Australia!), I am taking around 12 tablets a day. Some before meals, some with meals, some after meals, some anytime.

I can't exercise at the moment. But I can still make choices. So, from today, I will:

1) Track my food. Even if/when I go over.
2) Take all my tablets carefully. But try to cut down on the painkillers.
3) Do the shoulder stretches 3 x a day as recommended by the doctor.
4) Not eat after 8.30pm. Usually I have unnecessary snacks that make me feel bloated right before bed. No more!

That is all I am committing to right now.

W16 D5 - very sick of being sick

Well last Wednesday, the day of the previous post, I went to the gym and did a gentle half hour on the bike. I felt ok. Then I did the grocery shopping. They were doing some work on the road outside the shopping centre so I had to park further away, and walking back to the car with a full trolley was hard work. By the time I got home I felt exhausted, so much so that I was in some emotional distress. I asked my mother to stay a bit longer, she babysat while I took an hour nap.

The next day I was ok again and had a lovely day, I went to Floriade (local tulip festival) and sat on the balcony of the cafe there for a couple of hours. I read some of the stories I am judging for a competition, looking up every so often to see the lovely sweep of flowers. I also had a couple of brisk walks.

But on Friday I came down sick again. Still cold or flu - runny nose, headache and aching teeth. I was feeling mostly better by Tuesday, a couple of days ago. But last night the sore throat started up again. Horrible all day today.

My poor 3 year old son has been sick the whole 4 weeks too; like me he gets better for a couple of days then gets sick again. Is it all one 'flu or are we catching a sucession of them? My husband was sick for one week, my daughter not at all.

I am so sick of being sick for weeks and weeks. I realise that on a global scale I am not very sick at all and I am very lucky that my husband is the main breadwinner so we can get away with me not working, and also I have had quite a few child-free days during the period. But I am still sick of it.

And I am making no progress at all towards my 12kg weight loss by Christmas goal. I am perhaps eating a little less, but not exercising at all. On Sunday - or it might have been Monday - I weighed 82.4kg.

Ow my throat hurts. And I am tired. But I need to go and make dinner for hungry children. And life goes on.

W15 D4 - (I think)

No blogging for a couple of weeks. No exercise, no healthy food. I have had the flu, and also hella-busy (as my friend Kelly would say). I took on a job with a 2 week deadline; it was always going to be tight, with some evening/weekend work, but then my daughter had an assembly that I had to go to, and pick and return my husband to/from work so he could come too, taking a big chunk out of one day (I only have about 12 hours per week kid-free work time), and then I got the nasty flu and was struggling through that, staying up to 11pm the final couple of days with my RSI playing up.

I have felt wretched, and have been eating for comfort and energy to get me through.

The last couple of days I have been over the flu, except for a residual runny nose, but I still feel very lack-lustre and tired and in need of recouperation. But I have to get back into exercise sometime, and my mum is here with the kids this morning (school holidays) so I am about to go up to the gym and have a gentle ride on a stationary bike.

I have been sick so much for the past few months! Oh well, it has to end sometime.

W13 D6 - sick yet again

Hasn't been a great winter/spring for health in this house. I went to the gym on Monday but haven't been for the past 3 days and don't expect to go until I get better. Again. My little boy Aiden has been sick (cold or flu) since Tuesday, and Tim & I came down with it on Wednesday. I don't have the runny nose so much, but a very sore throat and headache and general blahness. And I will have to do lots of work on the weekend, I am a bit behind.

W13 D1 - 82.7kg

I made it to the gym this morning for my 50/50 class. Then did a little gardening (Tim did lots more than me). This afternoon we (the family) went to Floriade - Canberra's spring flower show. So quite an active day. And the first day of low-salt.

After the gym I started to get a headache in the shower. Tim thought I might be dehydrated but I have been drinking lots and it hasn't helped. It has been getting worse all day. I finally just took some Panadol but that hasn't kicked in yet. The pain is mainly at the front, just above my eyebrows. Ow.

W12 D7

A bad week for weight loss. A combination of a sore shoulder, PMS, and general laziness meant that I haven't been to the gym since Monday. Yet I eat and eat.

A while ago (more than 3 months) I had a health check up, mainly because I was feeling tired a lot. Everything was fine except that my cholesterol was high and I was low in Vitamin D. Pretty crazy for someone living in Australia to have low Vitamin D, but I don't go outside a lot. Since then I have been trying to get a little more Winter/Spring sun, and am also taking tablets when I remember. But, apart from a half-hearted scan of the internet, I have done nothing to combat my high cholesterol.

BUT on Thursday Tim had his health check at work. In the past he has been quite fit, but he hasn't ridden much since he broke his shoulder blade 6 months ago and then recently got a company car as he is doing his bosses (high stress) job until Christmas, and of course he has been eating my cooking for the past 10 years. This year, his check up showed that he is now slightly overweight and that his blood pressure is VERY high. Stress would be a big contributor, but all the salt I have trained him to eat can't be helping. I had already shopped for the weekend when I found this out, but from Monday's shop we will be on a low-salt diet. And low-fat, for my high cholesterol. A healthier diet, essentially. The main thing, at least to start with, is to completely cut out convenience food. I cook every night, but often use things like a jar of pasta sauce, or a packet of taco seasoning. All high in salt and sugar and various nasty chemicals. So they have to go. I had a scan of our pantry and was rather horrified at the sodium levels. Tim should cut down to about 1,600mg per day. The lasagne I cooked tonight would have ended up with more than that in his serve, and that is just one item of the day.

What I struggle to do for myself I can enforce for someone I love (like sticking to my gestational diabetes diet when I was pregnant with Aiden). Hopefully the new diet will help the whole family.

W12 D2 - shoulder pain

I went to Zumba, finally, last Thursday night. I enjoyed it, perhaps not quite as much as I had hoped. I've done a bit of dancing, but this was mainly based on Marenge (?sp) which I had never done, a bit of salsa, and a bit of Calypso - which even the instructor said made her feel stupid to do! I was pretty fun, and trying to learn the steps distracted me from the workout.

Friday was my day off, then Saturday was so stormy I didn't leave the house, then Sunday was Father's Day devoted to Tim (and lots of yummy food) so I ended up having three days off exercise instead of one. I went again this morning.

I weighed myself on the weekend, 82.9kg on Saturday and 82.7kg on Sunday. I don't feel like I am getting anywhere, but then I haven't been very consistent sofar.

The really bad news is that my left shoulder is gradually getting worse. I had problems, starting 10 years ago, that originated in my right shoulder and spread down both arms and hands. RSI and then frozen shoulder. It was a really bad time, I had endless painful physical therapy, anti-inflammitory drugs that turned out to be very bad for many people, and I ended up having to leave work altogether. I couldn't even dress myself and I got quite depressed. I am very careful with how much time I spend on the computer etc now, the RSI starts to come back if I don't look after it.

But this brand-new pain is in my left shoulder and doesn't feel muscular like the RSI, it feels more like the frozen shoulder. It really hurts when I move it abruptly and I have lost a lot of movement, I now can't do up my own bra at the back. It is scary, I don't want to go through all that again. I will see a doctor soon. I can't remember exactly when it started because it has been gradual, was it before I started exercise 12 weeks ago or around the same time? Is BodyPump too much for it? But why frozen shoulder anyway? That is more likely to come from lack of movement, like when I stopped using my right shoulder due to the RSI pain. It may not be frozen shoulder at all, but it has been there for at least 12 weeks and it getting worse. Do I stop any exercise that involves it (I am always careful) or do I use it more? Do I put a total ban on computer use, which would mean giving up my new job, even though I only work 15 hours a week with lots of breaks? It is hard not to get depressed about it.

W11 D4 - Hot and tired (doing well)

I have exercised 4 days in a row, 50/50 on Sunday (previously blogged), x-trainer/rowing/bike on Monday, BodyPump yesterday morning and BodyStep this morning. I am both sleepy-tired and muscularly-tired, I think I need a break. May or may not try Zumba tomorrow night.

Yesterday the sun was definitely thinking about rising when I got out of the house. I got to the gym on time, but was one of the last in the room and it was packed! Last week I merely missed out on the weights I wanted, this week there wasn't even any bars left! I had to use the instructors second bar (she, like some others in the class, use 2 so they don't have to take weights on and off for different muscle groups). I used the heavier weights again, Pump is feeling really good.

This morning I was again one of the last in the room and it was nearly as full as yesterday, so I was right up the front beside the instructors platform rather than in front of it, so I was turned a bit sideways compared to everyone else which was a little confusing when learning new steps (it was a new routine starting today, they run each routine for a few weeks - a month maybe?). Fourth day in a row, I was quite tired. But worse, I was hot. Someone else complained about the temperature and they checked but the air conditioning was on, or so said reception. I drip sweat in that class anyway, and I was really starting to suffer in the heat. Someone up the back slipped and twisted their ankle so we stopped for a few minutes so she could be looked after, but as soon as we started again I was hot and exhausted. I kept at it for half an hour, with a few short breaks to try to recover, then decided I couldn't do it any more and left. The difference in temperature between that room and out in the weights room was very noticable, the moment I walked out the door there was blessedly cool air on my face.

Another reason I left the class early was that yesterday all the showers were busy when I finished my class so I just went home and showered there, I don't sweat nearly so much in a Pump class so I was ok with doing that. But today I needed a shower right away and couldn't face the possibility that I would force myself through the class and then couldn't have a cool shower straight away! So I left early, had my long luke-warm shower and came out as the rest of the class were starting on their abs. I still got in 30 mins of very strenuous exercise and don't regret leaving early, I think it was the right decision.

First day of Spring!

W11 D1 - Weigh In

This morning I was 83.1kg. Bummer. I really only went to the gym twice last week, plus one good gardening session, and my eating was pretty bad. Three slices of Tim-made raspberry cheesecake yesterday! Not his fault, I bought the ingredients.

It's a new day, and a new week. This morning I went to the gym to my favorite 50/50 class, it seemed really hard but I got throught it. This afternoon we all went to the Japanese gardens and the kids ran around while Tim and I sat in the late-winter sun and talked. Then home and some housework. Tiring but nice day. And a lamb roast to look forward to!

W10 D6 - Chocolate. Lots of chocolate.

I went to the gym this morning, did 20 mins X-trainer, 5 mins rowing machine, 20 mins bike. Worked up a good sweat.

On Fridays I try to get out of the house, so I take my birthday lap-top and go and find a new place to sit and work. Today I had the bright idea of going to the chocolate shop, Koko Black, in the city. First I had morning tea - a taster plate with a teeny chocolate cake, a scrumptious scoop of chocolate mousse, and two shortbread biscuits. I also bought one passionfruit ganache chocolate. All delicious. Then I tried to work for a couple of hours. They had the doors open and it was rather cold, and the little table and hard wooden chair were not ideal. And I bought an unwanted expensive mineral water to justify my continued presence. The plan was for my husband to come and meet me and we would go to lunch, but he called at 1pm to say he couldn't make it. So had lunch at a nearby favourite Chinese and went home.

W10 D5 - Zumba, or not

I've been too busy to blog for the past week. When I last wrote, I thought I was getting over my cold/flu but I got a bit worse again. Saturday I weirdly swelled up such that I couldn't wear my wedding ring. Sunday I was much better, and did an hour of strenuous gardening which I count as my exercise for that day. I forgot to weigh myself on the weekend, but on Monday I was 82.6kg so no real change there.

I did not go to the gym on Monday, I decided that this was the last year I would get a whole day alone with Aiden (next year he will have 5 days a week at either preschool [3 mornings] or childcare [school hours]) so I took him to Questacon, Canberra's wonderful Science Museum. It is all interactive with animatronic dinosaurs and Mini Q for 0-6 year olds and a room showing you how music works and all sorts of great things. We used to have an annual pass, but haven't been for a while since that expired.

Tuesday I got up at the crack of dawn (it was actually almost sunrise! Yay for almost Spring) and did BodyPump. I wasn't late, but I was last in the room and all the lightest weights were gone! No-one else uses the lightest weights by themselves, but they add and subtract for different exercises. I had to grab the second-lightest weights. Only half a kilo (about a pound) heavier - but remember I had only just gone up to the lightest weights from nothing but the bar! And I felt it! It was good though. I really felt like I was working, but without hurting my shoulders. I think I will have to continue with the new weights. My thighs were sore the next day, from the squats and lunges with the extra weight.

I had a restless night, waking often checking what time it was and telling myself I still had 3 hours (or whatever) before the alarm went off. By the time it did, I was exhausted. I turned it off and went back to sleep. Very bad precedent. But I don't really regret it. I had felt wiped out when I went to bed at 9.30 , and I still felt wiped out when I finally got up at 7.30.

Today, I didn't get up early because I planned to go to Zumba tonight at 7.15pm. My husband usually gets home at 7.00, which would allow me to make it if I was dressed and ready to run out the door. But there was a bad combination of circumstances - he was about 10 mins late (too late), and I was still frantically working on an editing job that was due back and I didn't get finished until about another 10 mins after that (much too late). Oh well, maybe next week.

Friday is supposed to be my usual day off, but I have just had 2 days off so I will go to the gym after I have dropped the kids off, before I start work. That eats into my work time, but I really need to put some priority on exercising. After the gym, I plan to take my laptop out to another new place (Koko Black, a chocolate shop that Tim has bought me things from but I have never actually gone in and sat with a hot chocolate) and then meet Tim for lunch, and then come home to finish whatever various kinds of work I have for the day. I have an editing job already lined up, about 3 hours worth, and I have to write up an article for the Editing Society's newsletter, and read some fiction for a competition I am judging... plenty to do.

Oh... diet... bad. 5 days until Spring, my plan is to start working on my eating habits then.

W9 D5 - mostly better

I was feeling horrible for 2 days, much better today. I still have a runny nose but no longer feel like my head is full of snot, and my sore throat and headache have gone away. I will continue to rest myself tomorrow, then back into exercise on Saturday.

I do seem to get sick whenever I throw myself into exercise. Ease into it then, you say? But when I exercise more gently/less often I don't seem to get any results (I suppose it is good for me anyway - better than nothing) and I have to ramp it up sometime! But when I do, I get sick. Or maybe it's only when I exercise hard, then take a break. Hmm, happened after my birthday, then this week. Work hard, take 2 days off in a row, and bam. Frustrating. Hopefully, if I keep trying, I will eventually get fit enough to get past this. Of course I probably get sick just as often even when I don't exercise. I have 2 kids to pick up every germ going around.

I felt very productive today. No paid work, but lots of stuff from my list of things to do.

W9 D3 - sicker

My husband woke me just before 6am to ask what time I had to get up to go to the gym (it would have been too late anyway). I said "I'm sick, I'm not going to the gym", and went back to sleep.

I feel like death warmed up. Sore throat, headache, runny nose, tired eyes, achey and tired. And I had to work until 9.30pm - just finished then. But that job is done and sent off thank all the gods. I can now collapse and take tomorrow off. Much of it in bed, hopefully.

W9 D2 - not seedy, sick

Yesterday I thought my general malaise was due to the cocktail party the night before, but I am worse today so I guess I am sick. Sore throat, headache, fatigued. I cancelled creche and didn't go to the gym this morning. Got through the grocery shopping with Aiden in tow.

I will just have to be very careful about what I eat, if I can't exercise for a few (more) days.

I have editing work to do, I picked up a job on Friday that is due Tuesday (tomorrow night), I haven't had much free time and it is taking longer than I thought. I need to get some done today while Aiden entertains himself, and finish it tomorrow while he is at playschool. I am a bit worried, also, that I might be on a downward sickness slope, so I need to get as much done as I can while my brain is still functioning.

W9 D1 - Weigh in

Wow I feel so seedy this morning. Nice party last night, too many cocktails. There was a belly dancer as entertainment. But I feel shocking this morning, I have already missed my 50/50 gym class and I have to do editing work this morning and take my daughter to a party this afternoon so I don't think I will be exercising (again) today, not a great start to the new week.

The past three days my weight has been: 82.5kg, 81.9kg, 82.8kg! Bit of up and down, eh? Today very up! Although I exercised pretty hard most of the week, I also had a very bad food week, two parties, a supper, some take-away, and various other junk. This week my goal is to track calories and stay under my limit! And exercise 5 days.

W8 D7 - Party time

I didn't go to the gym today but I did go for a brisk walk with my husband, up to the bike shop to pick up his bike. He forgot to take his helmet so he couldn't ride it back, so we briskly walked back together. His bike was in the shop because about 6 months ago he came off it, at speed, on a slippery wet bike path on the way to work and broke his shoulder blade. A few cyclists rode past him, as he lay there in the rain, but no-one stopped so he called me on his mobile. I threw the kids in the car and drove over there. I had to take his bike apart so I could fit it in the boot and get Tim to the hospital emergency room. I knew nothing about the intricacies of taking a bicycle apart, and ended up getting both wheels off but probably leaving a couple of small parts behind. Anyway, he is all healed up now but his bike was not in the best condition after my ministrations so he put it in for a service and picked it up today. He can't actually ride it yet until he replaces his helmet, and needs to also get some riding gear. His previous compression pants were ripped apart by the gravel, and then cut off by the nurse.

My mum is visiting this weekend, so she is babysitting tonight while Tim and I go to a party. Yay parties! It is a friends birthday - she says she is turning 21 again.... It is a cocktail party, apparently inspired by my own party 6 weeks ago.

I also went to a party of sorts last night. My speculative fiction writing guild has had lots of nominations for Ditmar (SF) awards in various categories so we were celebrating. The website I review books for got a nomination, so I guess that counts as me! The party itself was pretty lame, it was basically like a regular meeting without the structure and we all took a plate of food or some (atrocious) wine. And I was on time and spent 10 minutes waiting in the winter cold and dark outside the hall waiting for someone with keys to turn up, wondering if I was in the right place. It turned out ok, but I hope tonight's birthday party is a lot more fun.

Back to the gym tomorrow.

W8 D6 - Day off

Today was my day off from exercise (and early mornings) to give my body a rest. The kids woke a bit earlier than I liked, but at least I got to sleep in a hour later than the past 3 mornings. Of course I also went to bed an hour later last night! Oh well.

Some bad food choices today (all week in fact) and I feel rather bloated and yuck. Probably mainly due to it being that time of the month. I foolishly weighed myself this morning - back up to 82.5kg, again probably due to the time of the month. I hope. But I do need to get my eating under control at some point!

My medium-long term goal at the moment is to be 70kg by Christmas. A bit over 12 kg in 19 weeks. My first thought was for 17kg (65kg), but nearly a kilo a week might be a bit ambitious. I don't know what my eventual goal is yet. I used to think 55kg, that might be unrealistic but I am not sure. I think 58kg is the top of my "healthy" weight range so I will go for that. Ten years ago, my acupuncturist thought I should weigh 45kg! I would be a skeleton. Asian girls can be skinny. But, depressingly, he thought I was "obese" when I thought I was still a rather sexy shape!

So, my Christmas goal is 12kg out of a total of 24 (.5) to lose. Halfway. I'll get there. And 70kg would be so exciting. I didn't really start to HATE my weight/shape until about 73kg.

W8 D5 - Stumbling out of bed

It was really really hard to get up at 5.45am this morning. I slept much better, only waking a couple of times (which is probably normal, everyone wakes a few times during the night but usually doesn't remember it), so I was actually asleep when the alarm went off. I got up to pee but it was a huge mental effort not to crawl back into my warm bed. I told myself I couldn't get slack (in the first week back!) and lose momentum, and that I had tomorrow off and could sleep in until 7.30 then. I wavered a bit but with sheer willpower (don't say it doesn't exist!) I got into my gym gear and out the door.

It wasn't raining, maybe just a light sprinkle, and wonder of wonders I could see a lighter area low on the eastern horizon - evidence of the sun waiting to rise! Winter is nearly over.

Today I put more weight on my bar for BodyPump. That is, I put SOME weight on my bar! 1kg on each end. It was certainly managable, probably not too long until I can increase that a bit, always being careful of my shoulders. I still had no weight on the bar for the 2 tracks where you lie down, that hurt my r. shoulder at one point even with just the empty bar. And I didn't do push ups or the other floor-work (abs) at the end, hurts the neck and shoulders too much. But I did a lot, and certainly more than Tuesday, just 2 days ago!, so I feel quite good about it.

I was starving hungry when I got home, I would have made poached eggs but the pan I use was dirty and I could be bothered taking the time to wash it so I just had toast.

W8 D4 - No more tears

I got up at 5.45am this morning (light drizzle, 6 degrees which isn't too bad for Canberra winter), and went to BodyStep. I got through the whole thing and didn't cry! Yay!

I don't have any boosters under my step, so I have the lowest step in the whole class, but I am certainly working hard enough. I didn't see my face until after my shower, but at that point I still looked like I had 2nd degree sunburn. Very red. And I was still sweating after my shower too. It is a great class, very hard work but fun. Step is my favourite.

My food is still a bit out of control, but I am not worried. I am not concentrating on that at the moment. Just working hard at exercise. I really should focus on drinking more tho.

I am quite good at choreography and picking up new routines, but by the end of the class I was so tired I had to stop a couple of times to catch up with what the instructor was doing, and nearly fell off the step twice.

I got new gym shoes on the weekend, but I am not sure about them. My right foot hurt through a lot of the class, even though I adjusted the laces a couple of times. They are less than a week old, I'm pretty sure I can still take them back if I want. I will give them a few more days. I'm not sure if they are supportive enough around the sides of the foot - I chose them for that light bouncy feeling but maybe I should have gone for the other pair.

W8 D3 - Pumping it

I've been keeping up with the exercise, I put Aiden in creche yesterday and did crosstrainer/rowing maching/bike for 50 mins, and today I went to the 6.15am Pump class.

We had our usual Monday night D&D game, but I left them to their merriment and went to bed at 9.30. I slept very poorly, waking 6 or 7 times to check the clock. I was using my new mobile phone as the alarm and I had not used that function before and I guess I didn't quite trust it. Hopefully this won't be a problem in future. The alarm came on as planned, rather pleasantly musical. Of course it was pitch dark, and pouring rain.

Got up, Aiden woke and cried (not sure why) and I went and comforted him which used up precious seconds, dressed but no time to make even a rudimentary breakfast so grabbed a muesli bar to eat in the car. Gym seemed even more crowded than usual at that ungodly hour, I guess all the runners had to come inside too.

I have mixed feelings about the class itself. I have to be very careful because of my dodgy shoulders; I have to modify some of the moves and I do the whole class with no weight on the bar - just the bar itself which probably weighs less than a kilo. I think I can move up to 1kg each side next time for a couple of the tracks, but for most of it the bar itself is enough. I was protecting my shoulders, but I didn't feel I was using my muscles enough. Other times I have found it hard work so I am not sure what was different today - do I usually use some weight for some of it? It has been a while. I will work up to it, anyway. The exercise is good for my shoulders if I am gentle, but there are some moves I just can't do. I must have done some work, because by the end I was in a rather slimy sweat and my body feels tired, but at the time I wasn't feeling the muscle burn as much as usual.

Well, three days of exercise in a row is great.

There isn't any work up for me yet today - maybe I should go and have a nap!

W8 D1 - 82.2kg

I only went to the gym twice in the past week and ate really badly - junk and snacks and meals smothered in creamy sauces - yet I am back down to 82.2kg. Go figure. Oh well, not complaining.

But the deal was that I go to the gym 4 times a week and I didn't do that, so I am going to have to go to early morning gym classes. I kind of want to. I want to feel like I am pushing myself, that I am really making an effort to get healthy. I'll go to 6.15am classes on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.

I did my 50/50 class this morning, worked really hard and I'm all tired and pink in the face, even after my shower. I do so much better in a group class, with a trainer up the front egging me on. It felt different this week, not that it was easy (definitely not) but last week I just started with no energy and the whole class was a struggle, much better today.

I haven't been tracking my calories, but I have started that again today. I will track even when I eat bad things and/or go over my calorie limit. It's great to start the day with exercise; both because it is done and out of the way, and because I know I have all those extra calories and don't have to deprive myself. Also, having just exercised makes me more likely to eat healthily because I feel healthy. But goodness I am tired, I could go straight back to bed now. If I didn't have a husband and children who want some attention. They already let me have a nap yesterday afternoon!

As I often complain to people, and my doctor, I am tired nearly all the time. My doctor recently ran some blood tests and there is nothing wrong with me other than a vitamin D defficiency - crazy for someone in Australia but I don't go outside much - so I am on tablets for that, when I remember to take them, and I am supposed to go out in the sun (not in the middle of the day of course) for half an hour each day. Which I still don't. Anyway, my constant tiredness seems to just be from being unfit. I can no longer blame my kids for waking me during the night. My body just isn't working efficiently, and I don't sleep comfortably at night. Exercise should help me sleep because my body will be properly tired, and losing weight will help me sleep more soundly. That is the theory anyway. I am sick of being tired and lethargic all the time.

W7 D1 - Weigh In

I forgot to weigh in yesterday (I tried clothed, after breakfast, of course with a horrible result that doesn't count) so I did it this morning. 82.9kg. I am not happy with that at all. I didn't focus on my eating, but I did do some exercise. And after 3 weeks of no exercise, maintaining the same weight, I exercise and suddenly put on weight! And don't tell me muscle weighs more than fat, I didn't exercise enough for that! Urg.

I went to the gym this morning, to my favorite 50/50 class. I found it really tough, but got through it. All sweaty and exhausted, which is great.

The deal was if I went to the gym 4 times I wouldn't have to get up early. I managed to fulfil that. But I am still worried that it wasn't enough, I really need the group classes, and I plan to get up early on Tuesday (BodyPump) and Wednesday (BodyStep). Constantly revising my plans as I go.

I have already booked Aiden into creche for tomorrow morning.

I know the number on the scale isn't everything, and I should feel good that I am finally back into exercise after a 3 week hiatus, but that number makes me sad.

I started tracking food again yesterday, for the first time since my birthday. I went over my limit, even with my extra exercise calories. And then I ate 2 mint slice biscuits, after I was already over. Sigh.

Doing ok

Well I have exercised a bit most days, but nothing really strenuous. Did not exercise Tuesday, on Wednesday I did the long walk to playgroup and briskly home, Thursday I went to a TBC (total body conditioning) class at the gym, it was core strength work and unfortunately we were on our hands and knees a lot which puts too much pressure on my dodgy shoulders. I stuck it out for half an hour then went and did 20 minutes on the bike - but not very fast. Friday I went to the National Library to work and went around the outside first, going up and down all the sets of stairs and walking fast in between. I went inside and did the stairs once in the foyer but then the information desk lady asked if I was lost and I felt a bit silly. In all, about 10 minutes, quite strenuous but not for very long.

I hope to go to the gym today (no class) and tomorrow (50/50 aerobic/step class).

Week 6 - starting again, again

Yesterday (Sunday) I weighed in at 82.0kg, down a little from previous weeks. I had spent a couple of days unwell, last week, but had plenty of healthy days yet still didn't exercise. And my healthy food lifestyle had been gradually slipping too, so to have lost a little rather than gained was a pleasant surprise.

Last night I made a committment (to myself, but I also told my husband), either I would get to the gym 4 times this week, during my "work time" while work is currently slow, or else in the evenings, or otherwise next week it would be back to early mornings. So if I want to avoid getting up at 5.45am, I have to find a way to make daytime/evenings work.

Today I put 3 year old Aiden in the creche for an hour and went to the gym. There was no group class at that time, but I worked really hard on the cross-trainer, rowing machine, and stationary bike for a total for 45 mins. I did much better than I usually do without an instructor egging me on. The rowing machine was funny, usually I find 10 minutes on that a real challenge but I was doing mental arithmatic in my head (working out what would be reasonable to charge my freelance clients) and just kept yanking away on the bar. I barely noticed the exercise, but I was all sweaty afterwards.

I haven't exercised during the day on Mondays for a while because I felt guilty putting in Aiden in creche, he doesn't mind it but this year he already has Koalas (early preschool) on Tuesday and Wednesday and childcare on Thursday and Friday so I can work. But creche is only an hour, and he seemed quite happy. I spend the rest of the day with him.

I am already really feeling today's exercise, plus I went to the library, did the grocery shopping, and walked my 6 year old to and from school. I am quite exhausted! I feel that that is good, it shows I have been working hard.

Week 5 - same

Weighed 82.4kg this morning. Another week of sickness. Tim spent 4 days home sick, the kids got mostly better but are sicker again and I feel yuck.

Week 4 - tracking again

I am feeling mostly better, not well enough for strenous exercise but I could go for a walk later if it stops raining. And I am determined to track my eating, even if I go over.

I did my Sunday morning weigh-in, I am 82.4kg (0.1kg up from last Sunday) so basically I have maintained over the past week. Not too bad considering I only exercised twice and I ate a lot. Down 0.7kg from my original 83.1kg. The big gain in the middle was from only two party days!

I'm not sure how to title these posts, I tried numbering each day but I keep getting that mixed up. I have called this post "week 4" when it is the first day of week 4 rather than the end of week 4. But it is the 4th weigh-in.

Blah

Didn't exercise. Didn't track food. Hope I'm better tomorrow.

More flu

Feeling sick and miserable and disgusted with self. Eating for comfort. Sinuses full of green mucus. Yuck.

The flu

I finally come down with the flu my kids have had for days. I think I have been fighting it off for a while, but a couple of nights with little sleep (getting up frequently for the sick kids) made me more vulnerable and I have succumbed. Or maybe the Doritos did it, who can tell.

My 6 year old daughter Jasmine was well enough to go to her much-looked-forward-to vacation care (I will pick her up very early, just after lunch) but my 3 year old son Aiden is still home with me, coughing away as he plays a Go Diego Go game on the other computer. I did a bit of editing work (which I picked up last night, before I knew I would be sick today), got it done, and wrote up my scores for some Aurealis Awards judging. I will have to take my son grocery shopping soon. Or we could just make do with leftovers and I could shop tomorrow. But what if I am feeling worse? Better to get it over with, then pick up Jasmine, come home, and collapse.

No exercise today, I will have to control my eating.

Good and bad

I went to the gym this afternoon. That was good. Then I ate most of a family-size bag of Doritos. That was bad.

My kids are still moderately sick, but before mum left this afternoon I took the opportunity to go to the gym. No class, but I did 30 mins of cardio machines and 30 mins of strength machines. I did not push myself really hard, but I am ok with that as I have felt, on and off, that I was coming down with the kids flu and I didn't want to overtax myself and make it worse. But I still got some decent exercise in.

After my party weekend there was still a grocery bag of goodies left over (as well as the cake mentioned in previous blogs). I got my husband to hide it away, but last night I really wanted some Doritos. Tim and I agreed that although he will avoid tempting me, he is not the boss of my diet or responsible for my eating. So I had some of the Doritos, ok fine, and put the rest away. My mistake. I just put them in the cuboard. An open packet of cheese supreme Doritos in the kitchen cuboard. Who could have guessed where that would lead? Um... me hiding in my bedroom (so my sick kids wouldn't see and want some) eating 3/4 of a bag - the rest, in fact. Not ok.

I am a bit sick of houseguests. We have had constant but changing visitors for nearly a week, up to six extra people sleeping here at a time. It is fun of course, but also a lot of work, and expensive. I was feeding more than were sleeping here too, as even the ones staying at hotels were here for lunch and/or dinner. I love cooking for people. But, as I say, it is a lot of work and a lot of money. And we have been running the dishwasher about 4 times a day. I still have a sink piled with pots and pans I haven't quite caught up with. Mum went home after lunch today and the 4 of us are alone at last. Well, 3, Tim isn't home from work yet. But my dad is visiting next week for a few days. And every set of people has different dietary needs. On Lent, sensitive to salicylates, diabetic...

Enough winging. I am just tired. I hope I am not coming down with the flu.

A new start

Right. This is a new day. Forget the past 5 days. I had a healthy breakfast. I will go to the gym tonight when my husband gets home (both kids are still sick, and grandma is going home this morning anyway, so I can't leave them). I will go back to eating food that nourishes my body. No cake. I will track everything. 2 fruit, 2 dairy, 5 veges. That is the plan.

Ignore the scales that said I was back up to 82.2kg this morning. That is all in the past. I can't change that, but I can change the future.

Sick kids

Both my kids are still sick, and as one of them has been vomiting I don't feel I can go out to the gym and leave my nearly-70-year-old mum to cope. Maybe this afternoon. Or tonight, after Tim gets home, as I have planned for normal Tuesdays.

There is still the cake mum brought in the fridge. Damn shame.

Calorie overload

I am still not back on the diet wagon. I went to throw away the rest of my birthday cake this morning, taking the whole huge box out to the bin (I wanted Tim to take it to work, but he couldn't be bothered carrying it on the bus) but the bin was so full after the big weekend that I literally couldn't fit another thing in. So I took it back inside and put it back in the fridge. After all, mum was coming in the afternoon and might want some. And a bit later I had a piece. And just after lunch I had another piece. Then mum arrived. With a cake.

So I had a piece of that.

Then I went out with my husband, we saw "Eclipse" at Dendy which has premium seating with dinner served to your seat. We were given a gift certificate for it. We enjoyed the movie, along with some hot chips, pizza, and crumbed chicken.

Today I didn't exercise, and I went over my calorie allowance by more than 500. Really bad.

I didn't exercise today because both kids were sick so I couldn't do the shopping until mum got here to babysit and then we went to the movies and yes ok I could have gone to the gym as well in between but I was not feeling so great myself ...

Putting it all behind me, tomorrow is another day.

Too much food still in the house!

I really struggled with food yesterday. Even though I did my exercise, I STILL went over my total calorie limit by about 200. After 2 days of indulgence, my taste buds wanted more more more! I had a couple of pieces of leftover birthday cake (and was horrified at the calorie count), and the last piece of lemon tart in the evening. Lunch was also a killer. I had bought some roast duck and chinese pancakes to have for dinner on my birthday but some houseguests turned up very early and there was a scramble to make something for dinner that could feed a couple of extra people. So we had the duck for lunch yesterday. And boy did it have some calories in it! Very fatty. And delicious.

Tim couldn't be bothered taking the rest of the birthday cake to work today so it is going in the bin. The rest of the leftover party food has been hidden away for future events. I am going out to dinner tonight but I will make wise choices (in fact I plan to look at the menu online before hand).

I still have a sore throat and can hardly talk, and both kids are sick. I would like to go to the gym this afternoon when my mum gets here, but I'll see how I am feeling. Got to get back on track!

Rescheduling

I know I said in my last post, 2 hours ago, that getting up early was the only way I could do this, but I am desperate to make it work some other way. I found out, at my aerobic/Step class this morning, that Zumba does not cost extra as I had previously thought. So:

Monday: 7.00pm BodyPump
Tuesday: 7.45pm Dru Yoga
Wednesday: 7.30pm (approx) use equipment
Thursday: 7.15pm Zumba
Friday: --
Saturday: 2.00pm (approx) use equipment
Sunday: 9.00am BodyAttack/BodyStep

This still gives me 4 classes a week. I have scheduled 6 sessions of exercise a week because I know that quite often I will miss one of these. For instance tomorrow night (Monday) I am going out, and I have things on 2 Wednesdays a month.

I might not always make it to Monday's BodyPump class because it requires Tim to be home by 6.45 to look after the kids, and these days he usually doesn't get home until 7.00pm. But he is going to try. It means he has to have dinner and then get both kids to bed by himself, and we have visitors every Monday night at 8.00. I should be home shortly after that. Hopefully it will work out. I am putting exercise above socialising, or having a clean house when visitors arrive.

Tuesdays, I am going to try Dru Yoga. I tried one Body Balance class once and I could hardly do any of it, both due to general inflexability and because of my shoulders (for instance the Downward Dog position puts too much weight on my shoulders). I left after 15 mins. But I learned later that that was a hard class with the hardest teacher. Dru Yoga was recommended for beginners. I will try it.

Wednesday night there is only a BodyBalance class which I will not do (see above), so I will just use the equipment. If I have managed to do Sat/Sun/Mon/Tue already that week, I will skip Wednesday night. Or, of course, if I have my Editing or Spec Fiction meeting that week. I look on Wednesdays as a make-up session, if I missed something earlier in the week.

I am really looking forward to Zumba on Thursday, it is described as a Latin dance fitness party, and I have seen it on TV. I would have done it long ago, but I had the idea that it cost extra and gym fees were already high enough. I have always loved dance. It should be a great cardio workout. Because it is 7.15pm, Tim should be home in time, but he will have to get the kids to bed by himself again.

I have Friday off. I suppose if I have missed a few classes, for whatever reason, I could go and use the equipment this night.

Saturday is a busy day, Tim takes the kids to gymnastics in the morning and then goes to a dance class after he brings them home. There is a good class (TBC) at 9.45am and BodyPump at 10.45am but they would clash with our other committments, so I will just go and use the equipment after lunch. Or it would be good if we had some kind of family active time instead.

Sunday is the BodyAttack/BodyStep class, my favorite of the week sofar, and the one I just did this morning.

So over the course of the week I have 2 cardio classes, 1 weights, 1 flexibility, and 1-2 equipment (I use cardio). Quite a good balance. We'll see how the week ahead goes.

Week 3 - The weigh in

I weighed myself on my birthday, Friday, and I was down to 80.6kg which was awesome, 2.5kg lost in 12 days, down from the original 83.1kg. But this morning, two days later, I weighed in at 82.3kg. Arg! But not unexpected.

In between the two weigh-ins was my birthday weekend. On Friday I had two croissants with butter for breakfast, a 2-course lunch at a restaurant with my husband, afternoon tea with my kids, dinner with dessert, then the PARTY with 4 cocktails and lots of snacks. Lots of guests stayed over, so on Saturday I had crumpets for breakfast, lots of pizza for lunch + dessert, cheezels in the afternoon, and dinner with dessert. The last guests left just after breakfast this morning. I am officially back on the wagon!

It was a great couple of days and I don't regret making merry, but it has certainly shown up on the scales.

I hope I am not coming down sick. I feel ok, except for my throat. We had Singstar at my party and I really pushed it, by the end of the night my throat was very sore and I could hardly talk. The next morning was the same (unfortunate with all those guests) and even this morning - my throat isn't really sore but I can barely speak. Tim and the kids all seem to be coming down with a cold. I am still about to go and do an exercise class, I feel fine within myself other than tired. I will see how I go and decide later whether to skip tomorrow mornings pre-dawn class and just go to the gym later in the day if I think I need the sleep, my mum with be visiting and can look after the kids (school holidays just started) so I will be able to do that. I never work as hard on my own but that is ok if I am a bit sick, I won't want to overdo it but I will still want to do something after that weekend!

As for the experiment, 12 days of hell, well getting up at 5.45 really is hell, but it seems to be the only way I can get to the gym regularly and it certainly gets results. So I am going to continue with it.

Day Twelve - last day of hell

Actually it hasn't been hell today, I didn't get up early because I really needed some extra sleep. In fact I haven't exercised yet today. I have been frantically busy getting ready for tomorrow's party and 8 weekend houseguests. I just got the beef bourguignon browned and into the slow cooker. It is for 12 people, and took about an hour and a half. I still have the dessert to make, and some party food. And a LOT of house cleaning!

I did a sneaky early weigh-in this morning, I was up to 81.7kg which was sad - I assume it was affected by last night's indulgences which were still in my body. Official weigh-in tomorrow.

Day Eleven - restaurant

I went out to a meeting tonight, with dinner afterwards. I knew I would be eating late, so when I cooked dinner for my kids and husband I stole a bit. Then at the meeting I had some chips, and cheese & crackers. And a few cherries, but I am ok with the cherries. And at least I didn't have any wine. Then finally dinner, where I made a really bad choice, diet-wise, and got a noodle dish. Essentially carbohydrates and fat. So very bad evening all round, in regard to calories and healthy choices. My exercise session is this morning was the only thing that saved me going over my calorie limit, and even then it was getting close.

I will do better tomorrow.

Day Eleven - nearly there

This morning I got out of bed on time but due to an unavoidable delay I didn't make it to the start of my class so I just used the cardio equipment. I managed to work quite hard - but not as hard as I would have at BodyStep.

I won't be getting up early tomorrow morning, I need to store up some sleep for my party. I'll go for a walk or something during the day. I am really tired. Quite shatteringly tired actually. I have no paid work on today, there is a lot of housework waiting but maybe I should crawl back in to bed.

I had a beautiful dream last night that the alarm didn't go off and I slept in until 9am. Bliss.

Day Ten - BodyPump

There is such a temptation, at 5.45, to snuggle down for just a few more minutes ... but I resisted, and got to my BodyPump class in time. It was a good session. My plan last week to skip Tuesdays obviously didn't apply as I had all weekend off, and also I have decided I like Pump so I'll see what happens. I may skip Mondays instead, since yesterday didn't work out. The temperature at 6am got up to the giddy heights of 0 degrees C, much warmer than yesterday.

It was my turn to be the helper at my son's playschool, so I spent the morning helping 3-year-olds thread coloured pasta onto wool, rolli out play-dough, and go to the toilet. I wiped down the tables and swept the floor after the 20 or so kids had had their morning tea, making that job last as long as possible, then joined them outside in the cold for a hour. Finally I mopped the toilet floor and walked Aiden back home.

Presumably it is a combination of the early mornings, this morning's class, and all the squatting and sweeping etc at playschool, but I am completely exhausted now. Various bits hurt, and my feet are very tired. I am glad my turn helping at playschool is over for the term!

I was tidying our games room when I got home and discovered some leftovers from last night's supper. I put the block of chocolate away in the cuboard with the jelly snakes but switched off the part of my brain telling me not to and ate the two double-coat Tim Tams. Last night I had two Tim Tams and 5 jelly snakes, still really good compared to my past history but enough to take me a bit over my allowance for yesterday.

I slept better last night, or would have but Aiden woke at 4am. Tim got up, but Aiden wanted his mummy. It is a bad time of night to get back to sleep - for me anyway - and it took me a while. Still a better night than many lately. To get enough sleep, I left our supper guests with my husband (we play Dungeons & Dragons) and went to bed at 9.30.

Only two more gym sessions between my and my birthday! I hope 4 in a row will be ok this week. I can go to bed early tonight.

Day Nine - tired and cold

Wow it was a really freezing day all day. It was supposed to get to 11 degrees C, but it certainly didn't feel like that any times I was outside.

I have felt a bit miserable today, I think for two reasons. The lesser is that, with the class changed around this morning and me just using the cross-trainer/bike/treadmill, I really feel like I didn't do enough exercise today. I didn't go fast enough, hard enough. My calorie program said I burned over 300 calories in the 50 minutes, but it wasn't there to see how slow I was going. I need to get over this constant guilt. It's an ongoing thing, and apparently quite common for overweight people (I think I blogged about it before) to not give themselves credit for doing at least something. Never good enough.

The bigger problem is how much I am dreading getting up at 5.45 tomorrow morning, and many mornings in the future. I will be so tired and cold. The thought of it almost makes me want to cry. I need to focus on just one day at a time and hope it gets better. I suppose in spring - 2 MONTHS AWAY - it will at least start to get warmer and lighter. Why did I have to chose this time of year to start? You know why? Because I didn't start last summer, or the summer before that, or the summer before that. The time is now. Anyway, a forever of freezing mornings with not enough sleep seems to stretch into the endless horrible future. And with no morning cuddles with my little boy. So, don't think about the future. Just tomorrow. I can do it tomorrow.

My right shoulder, my old RSI injury, is hurting today. I am mostly 'cured' as long as I am careful with it, but cold and tiredness and illness always make the pain return.

Dietwise, much the same as previous days. I am, just after dinner, slightly under my daily limit but I will be using some of my exercise calories this evening at my regular Monday night supper. I'm glad (mostly, a little bit of me is sad) that I don't have much junk in the house or I might have eaten more today. Oh, I forgot to post my chocolate, so I am probably actually already into my exercise calories.

Day Nine - very very cold

I had a very restless night, I kept waking up and thinking: 'Please please don't let it be time to get up yet' - and it wasn't. I woke about every hour from 1.30am. Finally the alarm did go off, it seemed extra hard this morning to get out of bed. I hadn't had to get up at 5.45 since last Wednesday (it's Monday) so I don't know yet if it is something you can get used to.

It was -4 C outside! I didn't think to grab my gloves, by the time I got there my hands were red with cold and I could hardly fumble my gym card out of my wallet. Tomorrow I will have beanie, gloves, and trackie pants on over my gym shorts as well as the usual jumper on top. I think we had a really cold change yesterday. It is just about the middle of winter in Canberra, after all.

When I got there I found that they were going to use the variable cross-training class to do boxing, which I can't do due to my dodgy shoulders. So I had to just use the equipment. Arg! I got at at 5.45 in the -4 degree darkness for this?? Oh well, I got in a workout of sorts. Still, it was a hard morning.

Day Eight - busy

My stomach was a bit unsettled but improved throughout the day, I am going to go to the gym tomorrow morning.

I went over my allowed calories today (by 65 I think) which was disappointing. I didn't have any extra calories from exercise to use. Actually I worked hard all day, on housework, but that doesn't count. Still not enough fruit (1/2), or vegetables (2), but I probably had my dairy today. And I drank 6 glasses of water. I tend to eat a lot of meat, cheese, and carbohydrates, I need to replace some of that with fruit and vegetables. I am feeling a bit discouraged after 2 days without exercise, but I will be back into it tomorrow.

Day Eight - still sick

Unfortunately my stomach is still not right this morning, so I can't exercise today. Both my kids are also complaining of stomach ache and headache (although the 3 year old might just be copying). I just hope I am well enough to get some major house cleaning done today. At least I feel better than yesterday.

Yesterday sucked so badly. I stayed in bed all afternoon worrying about all the stuff I should be doing. Felt considerably better (and hungry) at dinner time - Tim had taken the kids to the movies so I decided to start dinner rather than waiting for him to get home and cook. I put a steak in the hot pan and oil splashed up straight at my face. I reflexively closed my eyes in time which was lucky as my right eyelid was quite badly burned. There were also splashes on my forehead, under my eye,and next to my mouth - but the eyelid was definitely the worst, perhaps because it is thin sensitive skin. It is the only bit still hurting this morning.

Partly from the pain, but also a lot from the shock, I cried for quite a long time. Not just leaking tears but big sobs, like my 6 year old daughter does.

Anyway, that was my yesterday. On the good side, I stayed under my calorie limit because I didn't eat much all day. But no exercise, very little water, 1 fruit and 1 vegetable and no dairy. Oh well, I was sick, it can't be helped. Hopefully I will get fully better over the course of the day. It is very frustrating to get sick when I was doing so well. It seems to happen a lot when I try to get fit, I know that this time I was going hard which may have contributed, but other times I have been more moderate and still get sick. I am not going to let it make me give up this time. I'll be up at 5.45 tomorrow morning ready for cross-training!

Day Seven - sick

Urg and blah. Looks like my bit of nausea and headache yesterday actually meant something. This morning I had some stomach discomfort, I thought it was hunger and had a hearty breakfast. Shortly afterwards I had nasty stomach pains. It is now after 4 pm, the pains have lasted all day, migrating to my intestines, and I have a killer headache. I have been in bed most of the afternoon. It's all very annoying.

On the bright side, I am getting whatever sickness this is over and done with well before my party on Friday.

Day Seven - the first weigh-in

My first weigh-in was last Sunday, I was 83.1kg. As this kick-start is for 12 days, this morning was the half-way point so I thought it was a good time to see how it was going.

The scales said 81.3 kg. At first I thought: that is pretty good for 6 days, 0.8kg. Then I realised that it was actually 1.8kg lost! Yay. To check, I weighed myself again: the number jumped up and down for ages and finally settled on 81.9. Not quite as good. And so different I needed to check which was right. 81.2, 81.2, 81.2, 81.1, 81.4, 81.3. I think we can safely say that the 81.9 was an abberation and that I am around 81.2/81.3. So that is really good.

I got to sleep in this morning but I didn't really sleep. I woke again around 6, and just drifted after that. It was lovely to be able to stay in bed. I wish I was better at sleeping tho. I finally got up at 8.30 because I hadn't eaten since dinner 6-6.30 last night, and I was getting hungry.

Day Six - headache

I was feeling a bit queasy in the gym but put it down to tiredness. It still could be, of course, but I have been feeling a little nauseated on and off all day. I now also have a nasty headache. I refuse to get sick when I am doing so well.

Today I did my exercise, kept within my calories (again, only with my extra earned exercise calories) and tracked everything I ate. I've only had 1 fruit and 1 dairy and probably 1 or 2 vegetable servings, which isn't so great, also only 3 drinks so far. I might have a glass of milk in a little while. Through most of the day I only ate when I was hungry - I actually felt genuinely hungry a couple of times! - but I ate too much for dinner, beyond fullness. Perhaps not as good as day as some have been, but I have fulfilled all my core objectives which is great.

Headache and tired.

Tomorrow, Saturday, is my official sleep-in day. Yay! Tim takes the kids to gymnastics, and they don't get home until after it finishes at 9.30. Of course I get woken when they all get up, but I get to stay in bed and hopefully get back to sleep. Tim goes to a dance class in the late morning, so I will go to the gym in the afternoon.

Day Six - still doing it!

I can hardly believe it is day 6 and I am still exercising (every day!) and restricting my calories!

It's Friday today, there is a bus strike so I had to get up a little early (but not 5.45 early!) to drive my husband to work, then back to drop Jasmine at school and watch her get an award at morning assembly (for overall improvement), then Aiden to childcare, then get hair ripped out of my body with hot wax, pop into the shops to grab a couple of things + some strawberries for morning tea, then was at the gym at 10.30. The plan was for 20 mins on the cross-trainer, 10 mins rowing, 30 minutes on the bike.

The strangest thing happened. After only a few minutes on the cross-trainer I was feeling fatigued. I wanted to get off and try something easier, like the treadmill. But I stayed on and kept going. Isn't that weird? I then got on the rowing machine, usually in the past I have done 5 minutes but today I wanted to do 10. I was busy thinking about my party next week and hardly noticed the 10 minutes go by. Finally on to the bike. I set it for 30 minutes. Pretty soon I was feeling very tired and even a bit nauseous. But I kept going. The timer kept counting down. After 5 mins I told myself to do 10 and then we'd see. At 10 I decided to do 20. And finally I made myself do it all.

This might not sound strange to self-disciplined and/or fit people, but for me this was a really major change. I didn't want to do it, but I did it anyway. I was tired, but I did it anyway. I felt a bit queasy from tiredness and possibly hunger, AND I DID IT ANYWAY.

I showered, grabbed an apple (okay, okay, and two Nice biscuits, I was starving) from the tea room, drove to the cheesecake shop and ordered my birthday cake for my party next week (lucky they don't sell cake by the slice or I might have caved), came home and had lunch. And that is my day so far.

I know I should feel really proud of myself, I have exercised six days in a row - 5 at the gym and one walk - I have stuck to my calorie limits, and I have kept going even when I didn't want to. But I don't really feel proud. I feel bewildered.

Day Five - walking

I managed to get some exercise in today, I went for a brisk half hour walk. I went a bit early to pick up my son from childcare and walked around the lake. I went quickly enough to get up a glow. The lakeside is very busy on weekends, but on a Thursday afternoon there was almost no-one, I actually got a bit nervous and turned back to be nearer the roads and people.

The walk gave me an extra 100 calories to spend which I really needed, I used all my calories today for the first time. As with previous days, I am partly eating from tiredness/stress/boredom or just for the taste rather than from hunger. But still, I did well overall on my 'day off'.

Day Five - resting

This morning, snuggled down in a warm bed until 7.30, I felt very strongly motivated to find some way to exercise regularly that did not involve getting up at 5.45. But after checking my gym class schedule I don't see how I can. I really need to do classes, working out on my own doesn't motivate me. My gym has some 9.30 classes, but none that I like/can do with my shoulder restrictions. Also, that would cut heavily into my very limited work time. I could potentially try another gym, but I have paid at this one until November. I did try another gym once, but after the year there ran out I came back to my Club Pink. It is a really nice gym, it is just that the 9.30 classes have gradually been swapped for the wrong ones. But for the moment, that is what I have to work with, so it looks like I am still doing the 6.15 ones.

The original plan was 6 days per week of vigorous exercise, but after yesterday's breakdown I have decided I am not ready for that. I am changing to 5 days so that I can have an extra break in the middle. My current concept is:
Saturday - after lunch, use gym equipment eg cross trainer (no classes at a time I can go)
Sunday - 9.00 am, 50/50 class (aerobics/Step)
Monday - 6.15 am, Xtraining and core class
Tuesday - day off (but I walk a bit on Tuesdays)
Wednesday - 6.15 am BodyStep
Thursday - 6.15 am BodyPump
Friday - day off

I still get a good variety, and only have to get up early 3 days a week instead of 5. Of course this week is a bit different, I am taking today off (Thursday) so I will go tomorrow, no class so I will use the equipment and I don't have any urgent work so I will go at 9.30 am. Oh, actually I am getting my legs waxed at 9.30, so I will go after that.

One challenge for the two days I don't exercise is that I don't get those extra 'exercise calories' that I have been relying on. If I run out by the end of the day I might have to do some exercise anyway just to earn myself dinner! It is probably a good idea to go for a walk or something anyway.

I'm feeling tired and run down today, I definitely needed the break so I can get back into it with energy tomorrow. It was so so lovely to sleep in until a normal time!

Day Four - hurdles

This morning it was harder than ever to get out of bed in the cold pitch-darkness. I had been awake since about 5 am, waiting for the alarm to go off, with Tim tossing and turning beside me. I treasured every moment I was still snuggled down under the covers, but kept checking the clock to see how long I had left. At 5.45 I dragged myself up.

I have been packing my gym bag the night before so everything is ready, towel and water bottle and change of clothes in the bag, gym clothes sitting on top where I can find them easily even with only a little light coming through the crack of the ajar ensuite door. Pull my hair into a ponytail, brush teeth, grab something to eat in the car on the way, and out the door.

Today it was Body Step. My favorite class, but the most energetic. After the warm-up, I was exhausted. After 15 minutes I was in tears. I was just so tired. Fourth straight day of vigorous exercise was too much for this obese sedentary body. I would not let myself leave the class, but I barely did the routine, moving too slowly, small steps, often marching on the floor rather than using my step. Even so, it was hard. I kept hearing Michelle from Australia's Biggest Loser shouting "no crying in the gym!" but the tears kept coming. I was up the back of the room, and hoped that anyone looking at me thought it was sweat. I hadn't had enough sleep for days, plus I was just physically exhausted. Once I had myself under control, the thought of telling Tim that I needed a day off set me off again. I hated the thought of disappointing him. I made this committment to work hard, and my body was betraying me.

A blogger I follow, BitchCakes, goes to weight watchers and often talkes about 'reframing'. I need to reframe this experience into a positive. I am not a failure. I did the class as well as I could, even though I was so tired. Taking a day to rest my body is not giving up. I am making this a sustainable lifestyle, not a 2 week crash diet. I am not lazy. I have been working very hard at my diet and exercise, and also at my day job which has been very hectic. I have had a huge job that was actually due yesterday - I told them I needed another 24 hours and finally got it in at 8 pm today. So I have had that to deal with as well. And I did it. Tim has been working very long hours too, up to 11 pm one night, it is 8.30 pm now and he isn't home yet, so I have been getting both kids to bed by myself most nights as well. Tomorrow I can rest my body and my brain. All I have on is the grocery shopping, and looking after myself with rest and healthy food. I could even have a nap if I wanted. Oh bliss!

Food today has been similar to previous days. I am still eating real food, but too much of it and sometimes when I am not really hungry. I am within my calories, but only because of the exercise (I counted this morning as part Step and part walking, I also walked the kids to school and playschool - I don't count the slow walk with a 3 year old but I do count the 15 minutes of brisk walking home).

I can hardly express how relieved I am at the thought that I don't have to get up until 7.30 tomorrow. That is more in my mind than the not doing exercise. I am still struggling against feelings of failure and giving up. I will listen to my body tomorrow, maybe do a gentle walk, but nothing strenuous. Right now I am going to catch up on my emails and the blogs I read, watch the 'House' episode I taped on Sunday, and when Tim gets home I will have a hot bath and sink into bed. See you tomorrow. After the sun is well up.

Day three - staying on track

The only reason I am still within my daily allowance of calories today is because I have all those exercise calories earned this morning. Otherwise I would be over by about 250. I have eaten all real, healthy food (except for one square of chocolate, my indulgence of choice) but I have had large serves of high-calorie items like nuts and cheese and spaghetti bolognaise for dinner. My bowl of pasta was huge. I had a salad as well, which I had after the pasta and forced myself to eat, and I am feeling quite overfull.

Even if I am eating good food (I consider things like pasta and cheese good food even if they are high in calories/fat/carbohydrate) I still need to consider portion sizes and only eating when I am actually hungry. Something to work on.

But; today I have done my exercise, tracked all my food, drunk 6 glasses of water (and will have more before bed), stayed within my total calories, and eaten 2 fruit and 2 dairy. And I won't eat after 9 pm. My only vegetables were at dinner - a salad plus the tomato, onion and mushroom in the pasta sauce. Probably 3 serves total, I need to incorporate vegetables into my lunch. A pretty good day though. I think I am actually starting to feel proud of myself. 3 days is great.

I also feel a little less sleepy-tired today. I think I slept better last night. I did wake up several times from about 3.30 am onwards, checking the time, but I will learn to trust the alarm. It is hard getting up so early, but also hard needing to go to bed so early. I feel like I hardly get to see my husband (who doesn't get home until 7 and sometimes much later). And I have taped a couple of favourite TV shows but haven't had time to watch them.

Work-wise this has kind of been bad timing, in that I have a big job on hand that was supposed to be due today but will be 1 or 2 days late. It might have been late anyway, but I have been tireder than usual and haven't been able to sit up and work in the evening. I would have really loved being able to have an afternoon nap or two as well. I work freelance, so some weeks I would have been able to. But not this week. Not until I get this work done, anyway.

As a new lifestyle, I feel this is mostly do-able. I am assuming I will get used to early mornings, and I kind of hate to say this but I am already sort of enjoying the exercise. That is hard to admit, because it makes me feel like I should have been exercising more for years. But I have to put the past in the past. I will tell guilt and shame and self-loathing that they have no power over me!

I think the worst thing about this new exercise regime, in the long term, is the reduction of time with my husband. I hope that when I get more used to it I won't have to go to bed quite so early, but even so I will be going to bed at least an hour before my husband. To get 8 hours sleep I need to go to sleep at 9.45 pm, and even if I fall asleep relatively quickly (which I don't do now) I would want to be in bed at 9.30. That is so early! I am not totally sure that that is a sustainable routine. I have early exercise class on 4 days a week, later on Friday and Sunday, and I have Saturday off. I suppose I only have to go to bed early from Sunday to Wednesday nights. And I have various meetings on 3 Wednesday nights a month, I only get home about 9.30. I'm thinking that Thursday morning - the fifth straight day of exercise and after an early night - is going to be the hardest one! Thursday is another Pump class.

Well, I have made the committment to do this for 2 weeks, then I will see how well it has worked.

Day three - Body Pump

Firstly, to cover the rest of yesterday. I had a healthy dinner; chicken breast with chilli sauce and lots of vegetables. Then instead of my usual Monday night pig-out I had 4 squares of chocolate. I savoured each one. Delicious. Got to be proud of myself for that.

This morning I dragged myself out of bed at 5.50 am again. I am actually going to have to make it 5.45 in future, I was a teensy bit late for class yesterday and a lot late today - I had trouble finding parking (so many people go to the gym early in the morning!) and I missed the whole warm-up track. I had planned to eat a banana in the car but I couldn't get the skin open (arg) until I parked. The top bit was all mushy and disgusting from my efforts to open it while peering through fogged up windows, and I didn't have time to eat it all anyway - just a bit in my hurry from the car to the gym door - so I had to do Pump with only half a banana for energy.

It went ok. I don't enjoy Pump as much as cardio classes ('enjoy' being a relative term). I know weight-bearing exercise is good for me and also it means I am not doing 6 days of cardio in a row, but I prefer to feel all sweaty exhausted after a class rather than muscle-aching exhausted. Also, I have an old shoulder injury that means I have to be very careful with lifting and I can't do all the exercises. At least I didn't have to wash my hair today as I didn't sweat much. I bet my arms will be sore tomorrow.

Speaking of sore, my calves were sore after the first day (my favorite class, 50/50 aerobics and Step), and after yesterday morning's cross-training and core class I am sore in my abs, glutes and thighs. It is kind of a good sore - it lets me know I am working hard.

I had Nut Feast cereal when I got home and then for morning tea I had a high-calorie but reasonably healthy combo of cheese, nuts (cashews, almonds and macadamias) and dried peaches. I think I had too much of each. I am still eating food more for the taste than because I am hungry. I need to learn to listen to my body more.

I try to have some carbs (not too much) and protein with each meal, so for lunch I will probably have something on toast. Tuna, or a poached egg. Cheese sounds good but I have had that today already. Or creamed corn. Even not hungry, I think about food a lot. But at least I am planning ahead so I don't binge on bad stuff.

Oh, there is still half a packet of chips in the cuboard from Saturday. I have thought about throwing it away, but it is quite a good feeling to know it is still sitting there and I have been able to resist it. Don't want to tempt myself too far tho.

Day two - the day

Wow I am really feeling it today. My leg muscles are a bit sore (actually not as sore as yesterday afternoon) but I am really really tired. Both physically tired and sleepy tired. I went to bed at 9 pm last night, so if I had slept well I would have got nearly 9 hours sleep. Unfortunately, I am not very good at sleeping. It takes me a long time to get to sleep, and then if I wake I have trouble getting back to sleep. I am hoping exercise and weight-loss will help with this. The night before that, before the first day of my new lifestyle, I had a very rare coca-cola to help me concentrate while driving home from Sydney in the evening. I am not used to caffine, so it contributed to poor sleep. So after two bad nights, plus all the new physical exercise, I could hardly keep my eyes open today. Unfortunate, as I have an editing job due tomorrow. I think it is going to be a day or two late. Monday is my day home with my 3 year old son anyway, so I am not sure how I expected to get any work done.

Perhaps caused by the tiredness, or perhaps just because day two is a little less motivational than day one, I am struggling with cravings a bit today. I have plenty of calories spare, thanks to my cross-training circuit class, but I really wanted to stick to healthy food. We have visitors every Monday night and always have supper. I am planning to allow myself a small amount of indulgence, within my calorie allowance, but all the more reason not to splurge during the day. I did have one square of chocolate, and some flavoured rice crackers (not really bad, but nutritionally empty).

I need to learn to give myself credit for things. Yes I had one square - one square! 5 grams! - of chocolate, but I did NOT have my usual row or more. I did really well to restrict myself to one piece. I ate it in three small bites, savouring the flavour. I had some salty, cardboard-equivalent rice crackers, but I did NOT have the half-packet of chips sitting in the cuboard, which was what I really wanted. Victory! And, of course, this morning I got up at the godsforsaken hour of 5.50 am, in winter, in the dark, and went to the gym and did an hour of really strenous exercise that left me red-faced and pounding-hearted. I need to learn to accept that yes, I have done well!

Day Two - the dawn

This morning the alarm went off at 5.50 am. I got out of bed and dragged myself into my gym clothes and a jacket. Had half a glass of water and made myself a peanut butter cruskit sandwich which I ate in the car. Drove to the gym. Was shocked at how many people are up and exercising at this time of the morning.

The class (cross-training circuit) was hard, but I think it was no harder than it would have been any other time of day. My legs weren't particularly sore from yesterday, thank goodness. I was hot and sweaty and exhausted by the end. Had my shower and then half a bowl of high-fibre cereal (it wasn't very nice) in the breakfast room. I plan to try all the different cereals there since I don't have to buy a whole packet - or indeed pay for them: well, of course I do really in my membership.

I'm a bit too tired and dazed to feel proud of myself. I'll see how I feel later. Amazing to think that when I finished my exercise, my husband and children were still in bed!

Day one

I'm at the end of day one (just had dinner) and my core targets have been achieved. An hour at the gym (my calves are sore, I hope I can walk tomorrow because I have a cross-training class!), I dipped into my extra 'exercise calories' by 65, but still have more than 500 available if I need them (clearly I don't today), and I tracked everything I ate. I may still have a small snack in a couple of hours. I won't eat after 9 pm. All good, healthy food.

I've done ok with my secondary goals. 5 glasses of water (and will try to fit in another, but not too late or I will be up in the night more than my usual once) and I have blogged (obviously). Fruit/vegetable/dairy targets not so good. I had half an orange before I went to the gym, but as I don't shop until tomorrow the bowl was pretty bare. I ate a carrot and a half - pretty much the only fresh vegetable we had left, but I also had some creamed corn on toast and sundried tomatos on my pasta. I'm letting myself off these two targets today as we honestly had very little. I'll shop for lots of fruit and vegetables tomorrow. As for dairy, I had some milk on my cereal and some romano cheese on my pasta, together they might add up to one serve of dairy (just). My supper might be a yoghurt.

So... today I just need to get to bed at an early hour, taping "House" which is on too late (goodness knows when I will get to watch it), as I am getting up at (cringe) 5.50 am tomorrow. Ooh, that reminds me, I need to pack my gym bag and lay out my clothes so I am ready to crawl into them and go. Is it possible to exercise without eating breakfast first? I am going to have to try.

12 days of hell

I turn 40 in 12 days. And I have probably put on weight every one of those 40 years. I stopped growing upward in my teens, but kept growing outwards. I have, in the past, kept my weight partly under control with a certain amount of exercise, but last year I went back to University to do a postgraduate degree and this year I started part-time work (after being at home with my kids for six years). I have really struggled to find the time to exercise.

It is not just about being thin (although that would be great). My health is really starting to suffer. I had gestational diabetes with my second pregnancy, so that adds to my risk of getting type 2 diabetes. I am tired and sluggish all the time. I feel unhealthy and unattractive. So, time to do something about it!

I have tried, and failed, to change my diet and exercise a few times recently. My husband thinks that I need some quick, positive results to keep me motivated. So I am giving my lifestyle change a kick-start. For the next 12 days I will:
* exercise for an hour at the gym 6 days a week
* stick to the daily calorie recommendations of the CalorieKing online program
* not eat after 9 pm
* track everything faithfully.

The exercise is going to be hard. I have done very little in the past 18 months (although I still have gym membership, at ruinous cost) so I am very unfit. Even worse, the only way I will able to get to the gym on weekdays is to go early in the morning. The classes are at 6.15. Just shoot me now. Usually I drag myself out of bed at 7.30. Or, actually, 10 minutes after that, after lying comatose for a while. And I will have to get out of bed at 5.50, assuming I don't have breakfast before I go.

I've chosen to count calories because it gives me flexibility about when and what I eat. Of course to stay within my calorie limit I will need to eat primarily healthy low-fat food. But I don't have to give up chocolate entirely.

My secondary goals are:
* drink at least 6 glasses of water every day
* eat 2 fruits, 5 vegetables, and 2 serves of dairy every day
* blog here every day.

I have committed to this for the next 12 days. Then I will celebrate my birthday, and then review the whole diet/exercise thing. I am hoping that in the next 2 weeks I will feel some kind of difference in myself, enough to motivate me to continue. I suppose that, really, even if there is no major change, I will have to continue anyway. Or find a better way.

Ok, here is the scariest bit. Today I weighed in at 83.1 kg on my home scale. This is my highest non-pregnant weight ever, and only 3 kg less than my highest pregnant weight. It was really horrible to see that number. If you think it isn't that huge a number - well I am only 152 cm (5 foot) tall. My BMI is about 32, which puts me in the Seriously Obese. Not overweight, not obese, but Seriously Obese. So, from today, I am doing something about it. I expect it to be hard. I will do it anyway.

I went to the gym this morning (for the 9 am class, it is Sunday so I didn't have to get up early). I worked hard in the BodyStep class. I bet I will be sore tomorrow. And that is an exciting thing. Calorie tracking is going well, and I expect to be comfortably under my limit. Day one is going well.